The Mockingjay and the Albatross
by Howlynn
Summary: It has been 40 years since the rebellion. Katniss has buried two husbands and her first love. Can she find a last shot at romance in district 4 or is Finnick too broken and bitter. Curiosity doesn't kill the cat, but being stubborn may. BookII
1. Chapter 1  Gone Fishing

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

**Sequel to - Mockingjay and the Chameleon. **

**Author**: **Howlynn** **Realm**: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins **Story Title**: The Mockingjay and the Albatross **Summary**: Katniss and Finnick end their affair. A last goodbye. **Character/Relationships**: Finnick Odair/ Katniss Everdeen, Haymitch Abernathy/ Katniss Everdeen

** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author notes**: Ahhh – thanks for the kind reviews.

**Warning: This may be an addictive substance, please check with your personality profile before beginning the program. Not responsible for any feelings of feelings you may experience. Not responsible for dark smexy feelings or nightmares about Fanfic characters. Tears are not a bug -they are a feature. If you are easily offended - do not read past this point. Seriously -stop while you can.**

(Warning – Language, sexual content, candid discussion of near death and suicide, You know - my typical mess)

( This is a scene I originally intended to include in MJC but cut.)

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><p>S<em><strong>et up-<strong>_

After Katniss is shot, everything changes for her and Finnick. They had to end the comfort they had found in each other while Katniss was destroyed with rejection. Finnick would soon be married, and she has returned to Haymitch – just like Finn intended by offering to help in the first place. He is dealing with it by avoiding her and after she sees the footage of him taking such a horrible risk to protect her, when he truly should have left her for dead – and the fact he told Haymitch of their affair – well she is a little too displeased not to have a chat. Can Finnick explain why he would tattle of their adventures to Haymitch?

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><p><strong>Gone Fishing<strong>

Finnick avoided me. He had been shot as he carried me but when he'd fallen, he'd covered my body with his own, protecting me. Haymitch showed me the footage of him laying on the edge of the tarmac, trying to fend off those who were intent on killing me. Johanna had fought like a demon, protecting the two of us as she tried to drag us, inch buy inch, to safety. I owed him a piece of my mind for tattling about us to Haymitch, but I owed him a punch in the nose for acting so stupid and almost getting himself killed.

Finn was sneaky, but I was a hunter and my target couldn't avoid me for long. He liked to walk up on the surface in the afternoon, when the sun was hot and few district thirteen people were willing to brave the heat.

He didn't hear my approach, as he lay hidden in a vent shaft housing. He'd stripped off his uniform and was baking himself in the sun, trying to return his skin to its former tan glory. He is a pretty man. It is strange to me that something like that mattered so much to people, because what made Finnick Odair beautiful to me is the person he is inside.

I watch him for a moment, thinking of the fact that I had made love to him more than any man in my life so far, yet it did not sway my heart to more than friendship. I would die to protect him, but I would not die to keep him for myself, the way I would Haymitch.

I positioned myself above him, casually looking down at him in a threatening, aggressive way. I pulled an arrow silently and released it. I want to scare him a little, just for fun.

The impact noise startles him and he jumps as the arrow lands four inches from his head, impaling his canteen. He sat up, blinking and trying to understand where the danger came from. He'd moves too fast and winces in pain at the still bandaged injury he'd sustained saving my life.

I smile as I calmly speak. "You are not much of a soldier Finn. I could have been an enemy and you wouldn't have a chance. Your weapons are six steps away and you are not aware of your surrounding. Mistakes like that can cost you your pretty life."

He releases his breath in relief. "Katniss, what the hell are you doing?" He shouts in anger.

I hop down, hiding how the jump made my own side scream in pain. "Trying to decide if I should kiss you or kill you."

"Do I get a vote?" He asks with a shake of his head.

"Maybe. Depends on how you explain your inability to keep secrets and what you were thinking, trying to die to save a corpse." I glare at him with amusement.

He sighs, "What do you want me to say?"

"How could you tell on me? How could you betray me?"

He frowns. "I was trying to help."

"By bragging that you were banging me? To the one person I most wouldn't want to know about it."

"God no, Katniss. I was trying to understand how he could stand to lose you. I was trying to figure out what was going on in his head. If it weren't for Annie, I could have…" He stops speaking and just looks at me shaking his head.

"You could've what?"

His jaw sets with hard determination. "I could love you."

The impact of those words, soften my expression. I glance at him with sly amusement. "I already do love you Finn. I will forever, but I would never be in love with you. I think you're a great man and one of the kindest people I've ever met. But our hearts belong elsewhere, and it doesn't bleed over for me."

He smiles. "Exactly. So I wanted to fix it. I wanted to get the two of you on the same page."

"By telling him that you were hitting it?"

He blushes. "That isn't all I told him, Katniss."

"I am coming to the end of my patience. What did you tell him? When did this conversation take place and what did he say?"

He looks down. "Ok. Have a seat." He yanks my arrow out of the canteen and uses the new hole as a drinking spout. He hands me the useless arrow. The tip is bent. "You have too much confidence in your aim, Katniss. You would've felt bad if you'd killed me. My canteen never did anything to you."

I twirl the arrow and smile mysteriously. "I wasn't aiming for the canteen."

He sucks in his breath, looking at me in horror.

"I am kidding. I don't miss Finn. I know the quirks and flaws of each arrow and compensate. You were in no danger." I explain seriously.

"Still not funny." He leans back comfortably in the sun, taking a calming breath. "After we spoke on the roof I was sure you just needed a little help. Afterward, I was lost. I was terrified the next morning, that if I told you the truth, it would lead you to even greater frolics with your final intent. I was scared you'd be mad or I'd say the wrong thing. But you said yes."

I look at him and smile at this memory. I nod, "It was a good day. Doc."

He laughs and winks at me. "The longer we were together, the more terrified I became that you were going to find some way to give them what you thought they all wanted. Nobody was even questioning how dangerous you were. You know people ask to be removed from your squad. You scare people Katniss. You have no life preserving boundaries. I knew why. You searching for your martyr footage, was making you some kind of legend. I couldn't stand the thought of it. I intended to beg him to give you some small hope. I meant to find out why you were so damned disposable to him. I mean for all I knew he didn't care at all. I called him."

"Wish I had been around for that one." I laughed.

"He answered the phone and did not ask a single question." He looked at me eyes wide. "He said, 'I hear you are fucking her Odair and when you hurt her, I am going to kill you."

"He knew?" I whispered astounded.

"Never underestimate him, Katniss. I told him I wouldn't have time to hurt you. I told him that I would never touch you again if that was what he wanted. Told him the footage of your death could probably be delivered within hours if I dumped you right before a hostile contact." His head rolls and he looks at me.

I don't react and roll my finger telling him to continue.

He looks back at the sky, speaking calmly, "I ask him If I should just speed things along for him and slit your throat. I told him it'd be faster if I sabotaged your armor. I didn't like his answers much. He said you were responsible for yourself. I accused him of getting off watching his tributes die all those years and now he'd replaced them with his victor. I said things Katniss. I asked him if he would watch your death promo and use it like porn. " Finn's face reflects the anger he had felt that day.

"Holy crap. What did he say?"

Finnick stretches his face up at the sky and closes his eyes then smiles. "He called me some names and I called him some names and then, we discussed my growing addiction to something he was not smart enough to hold on to and he hung up on me."

"Had to have been Johanna. She hates him. I bet she told him." I theorize.

"If she did, it was out of love, not hate. She loves him and me and you, as a matter of fact." He looks at me amused that I didn't know that.

"I like her too, but if you tell her that, I would have to end you." I flick his ear hard and he howls with mock pain. "You're such a wimp. He never said a word to me. God you piss me off Finn."

He leans over and kisses me. I return it. "Just checking," He murmurs. "You aren't really going to kill me."

"I owe you my life you idiot. More than just for the bullet you took. I wasn't trying to get shot then you know. I was starting to be ok, thanks to you. So how did you guys go from that pissed off to he thought it was funny?"

"At the hospital. He came to thank me for trying to save you. They were losing you and he'd given up. He told me even if you survived, the swelling was killing you and they didn't have the facilities to help you. He wanted to know if I had been kind to you in our passions. I gave him some details meant to hurt his feeling honestly. His reaction was anything but what I expected. His eyes shone like he was hearing something sweet. He thanked me and that was when I got it. He was insane about you. Completely bonkers. As bad as you. You were thinking he wanted you to die and it looked like you had accomplished it. I asked him what he would do if you never woke."

I shivered at the thought this was all going on while I was flirting with not returning. I take his hand. "What did he say?"

Finnick dropped his eyes. "He pulled out a nightlock pill and smiled and said he was going with you."

"I can't see him that way." I say amazed.

"So, I told him I wanted him to know the truth. And I explained how you sometimes pretended I was him, and why we started and why we continued. I told him how he had destroyed you beyond my ability to help you with his foolish rejection. I told him that other than the footage he got of you seeking to die to please him, cutting you down from the shower was a waste of his time. I told him that he would've hurt you less if he raped you because making you love him, then throwing you to the wolves was a hard way to die. "

"Oh Finn…" I say deflated at his cruelty.

"I know it was a horrible thing to do, but who else could tell him. He did exactly what I thought he would. He finally believed. He lamented all the things he'd never said to you. He admitted to himself that he had no idea you felt the way you did. I told him to make it up to you. I told him how it had taken me months to get Annie back even a little. I told him how she had heard me even though they said she couldn't." Finn has tears welling in his eyes.

I look away, so not to embarrass him. I don't want to see his tears because my own are so close.

He reached in his pack and opened a tiny tin of oranges. He split them with me as a distraction while he continued. "When I got released a couple of days later I came to visit you. He had not left your side since he left my room. Your fever was down and they had told him to keep up whatever he was doing because you were fighting now and the chances were still small, but better than nothing. I came as often as I could. He would let me sit with you, so he could grab an hour or two of sleep. He made me promise to talk to you and hold your hand. Lots of people came Katniss, but he wouldn't even shower if I was not there. Nobody else was good enough, not your mother or Prim or even Gale. He didn't stop anyone from seeing you, but he world hover."

I frown thinking of how I had dreamed of him. I had memories of that time. I had been beside him much of that time. "It was like watching television through a tank of water. I couldn't find him sometimes, and it hurt to listen. I would put up with the horrible pain as long as I could to hear him. I kept waiting on him to leave. I knew once he left, I could let go of the pain. His voice. I can't explain what it does to me. I crave it Finn. Does that sound insane?"

He grins, "Not to me it doesn't. Annie brought him fresh cloths and cleaned up the apartment. She told him it should look nice when he brought you home. He blushed and told her not to be silly. But he spoke to your mother and she disapprovingly delivered your things to him."

We sit silently for a short time. I smile at the images he's given me. Haymitch was threatening to kill Finnick if he hurt me, yet he was unable to comprehend his own impact on me. "You know what's sort of funny?"

"That you haven't shot anything but my canteen and dinner will suffer tonight?" He complains.

"No, that he is so smart and yet, just as clueless as I am when it involves people loving him." I admit.

"I am glad you guys are ok. I can't imagine this place without either one of you." He slips his arm around me and I lean into him, liking his hot sun-baked skin against my cheek.

"Don't you ever put yourself in the middle of a mess like that again for me. I couldn't live if Annie lost you and it was my fault. He showed me the footage of you crawling on top of me." I grouched at him.

He shrugs. "Must have been instinct. Last thing I remember you were in my arms, looking at me trying to say something and then you went into convulsions and I fell. It hurt and I thought that my being clumsy just killed you. Then I was on the transport here. What do you remember?"

"I remember being really calm. I wanted a drink and I wanted his voice. I looked at the camera and said I loved him. He said he loved me too. As the pain grew, the sound faded. I hurt so much I couldn't even feel it all. You were coming at me and I could see you were screaming but it was all completely quiet. I kept trying to tell you it was ok and that …" I am too embarrassed to tell him all that went through my mind. "But I was more tired then I had ever been and I just hoped you knew."

"I knew baby. I knew. I just couldn't let you go. Couldn't let them have you. Even if there was no chance, I couldn't let them get you. I was afraid they would make things out of you." He has to whisper the last sentence and I feel him shudder with revulsion.

"I guess everything is over between us now. We have to go back to friends and make sure we don't let it get weird. I am going to miss you Finn, and I will always remember. I am grateful that we had that." I say trying so hard to sound casual, but feeling a loss I couldn't explain.

"Nobody ever knows when it's the last time. I couldn't help thinking it as I ran with you. Your blood was still in my hair when I woke and they wouldn't tell me if you were alive. I kept imagining you. It ached in me that I would never see you look like that again. Stupid thing to worry about at that moment, but I couldn't help…" he looks in my eyes, his head tilts at me in a questioning way. "Katniss. I'd like to tell you Good-bye."

I give him the smoldering look, he taught me. "If we do, it really is cheating. Are you going to tattle?"

He laughs. "That did it. Risk and shouldn't. You just took a sweet little candle and set the forest on fire. The danger makes me want to even more. He really might kill me you know…worth it to me. Last goodbye and forbidden fruit? Your call Katniss." The look of desire in his eyes is playful but unmistakable.

I cover his lips as my answer. He lays me back and we are both smiling at our terrible need to say farewell and celebrate that we are both still alive. "You know. He wouldn't really kill…"

"Shhh shhh shhht. Convince me afterwards. Not now. I have never purely just wanted someone so damned much." He gasps, as he franticly demands every inch of me.

I smile, remembering his lessons. "It's wrong Finn. We can't. Don't stop. If we get caught…"

He groans in pain at my words. "I don't think I can stop."

His need electrifies my own. I remember saying, "Anything you want Finn. I know it's the last time, so anything you want.." on purpose, but everything after that was like a mewling animal. I feared the sound of us echoing in the vent shaft would be heard clear down in the deep safety levels and still, I could not hold back. At that moment, I didn't care. I would not have stopped for a bomb.

If Bliss could be measured in sweat, we should be sprouting wings. His hair hung in dark rings as if he'd been swimming and mine was plastered to me like I had just been awakened with a bucket of water.

"Katniss. You know it's getting dark right," he eventually says.

"Oh crap!" I say popping up in alarm. "We look like…"

"I know. But either we face the music or we spend the night outside," he says.

"He will come looking," I say seriously.

"We could be camped at the entrance, so it looks like we just got locked out."

"You keep telling me not to underestimate him." I am frantically throwing my cloths on, heart pounding; the first pulsation of regret is swimming in my heart.

He is gathering our things and on impulse I hand him the bent arrow. "You ever need me. Send this too me. Anything Finn. Annie too," I say looking down, hoping he understands.

He accepts the arrow. "Friends for all time."

"I owe you my life Finn. Every moment is a gift from you. When I say anything. That's on the list. My life. For her too."

"Me too baby. If we don't hurry I may have to cash it in before midnight." He bends to me and gives me a last kiss.

I sigh happily. "No matter what. I am glad we did." I turn and shake my hair out as I jog to the door.

The Guards are just beginning to swing the door shut as I call out to them. I wave and call to them and we chat about my lousy luck with hunting today. They grin as I try to be cool and hold them up, giving Finn time to catch up. Something tells me we had an audience.

Finn strolls up as if he has all the time in the world. "Hi Katniss, have a good hunt?" he says as cool capitol Finn. The guards snicker.

"The best." I tease and the two guards can't hold it in any longer. They are losing all pretence that they don't know exactly what we have been doing. The elevator ride is uncomfortable with them staring openly and snickering.

Finnick puffs up in irritation and demands, "Is there something funny, gentlemen?"

"No Sir," they say together trying to wipe the smirk off their faces.

"Miss. Everdeen. I don't mean to intrude, but you do know your shirt is on wrong side out?" The shorter one says just as the elevator doors open.

I look down to see it is true. I look at Finn, mortified. Suddenly it's too funny not to laugh and we laugh way too loud at our own stupidity.

I sneak into our apartment quietly in the hopes that Haymitch might be napping. The room is empty. I breathe a sigh of relief at the site of the empty couch and know that he must be at the dining hall still. I enter and close the door. I spin at the movement behind me.

He towers over me smirking and calmly amused. His eyes narrow as he appraises my appearance, "Have a nice hunt, sweetheart?" His voice drips sarcasm. "Catch anything of note?"

There is no way he could know, so I play it cool and shrug. "No. Too hot I guess."

"Was it now?" He bends to kiss me then wrinkles his nose as if I smell and pulls away. "We still have time to catch the last sitting if you are hungry. But you might want to take a quick shower. Wash some of the fish off," He purrs darkly.

I look up at him. I scowl. "Are you saying I stink?" I ask innocently. I dump my stuff on the floor and yank my cloths off on the way to our still doorless bathroom.

I am just rinsing the shampoo out of my hair when he joins me. He smiles at me and I see what is on his mind. I tease him playfully and he devours me, watching my face intensely as he demands my submission to him. The fear that he suspects, adds a dimension to my own driving heat. He smiles as I shiver and twitch in his arms. He holds me, continuing his rhythm though my pleasure.

His mouth bends to my ear and he says through gritted teeth, "I don't own you, Sweetheart, and I never will. But I will make you mine. I am going to possess you in ways you don't understand."

My voice is heavy with fulfillment but I realize that he is saying more than words of simple passion. "You already do, Haymitch. You already have." I say back to him and he emits a low growl and he loses control of himself. We stand there locked together as the water grows cold. He has me clamped to him greedily. His fingers are curled in my hair tightly as if he doesn't want me to get away from him. Rather than feeling trapped by his actions, I refuse to let him go as well. "I'm sorry." I whisper finally.

His hard eyes lock onto my own. He studies me and then smiles. "Don't be." He kisses my forehead and slowly his death grip relaxes. "You're here now."


	2. Chapter 2 Salt on the Rim

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

**Sequel to - Mockingjay and the Chameleon. **

**Author**: **Howlynn** **Realm**: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins **Story Title**: The Mockingjay and the Albatross **Summary**: Katniss and Finnick renew their friendly adoration. **Character/Relationships**: Finnick Odair/ Katniss Everdeen, Haymitch Abernathy/ Katniss Everdeen

** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author notes**: Ahhh – thanks for the kind reviews.

**Warning: This may be an addictive substance, please check with your personality profile before beginning the program. Not responsible for any feelings of feelings you may experience. Not responsible for dark smexy feelings or nightmares about Fanfic characters. Tears are not a bug -they are a feature. If you are easily offended - do not read past this point. Seriously -stop while you can.**

(

**Salt on the rim**

Everyone assumes Katniss Abernathy – Mellark ends up with Peeta at the end of Mockingjay and Chameleon. What if that wasn't the last love story?

Takes place approximately 40 years after the last hunger games. Please review.

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><p>Salt on the rim - Chapter 2<p>

There are days that kill you. There are days you think you will survive. There are days you wonder how you have managed to grieve for so long and why isn't it any better? There are days when the calls of your lost ones seep in your soul and rip you apart.

It has been twenty-seven years since I felt him inside me. But sometimes, when I dream, I can still feel his breath in my ear and I reach for him. Then, all these years later, my heart feels the crushing weight of the hovercraft on the mountain. I remember the year that I realized; I had been without Haymitch as long as I had had him. Those sore days, when you hate the world for taking them, are never going to leave, because behind each day you miss them more than you can stand, is another.

I can still see his shock as he realizes my dinner knife is embedded a half inch into the expensive table, so close to his fingers, he could have lost one. I remember the appraisal of those hard, malicious, gray eyes. I couldn't know then it was the first spark of love. I didn't love him then. I didn't love the boy across the table from me who the man had just punched in the face either.

Back then, I only loved a little girl who would grow up to be a doctor. How many people has that action saved now? It cost a lot of lives, my rebellion. His rebellion. But Dr. Hawthorne has redeemed us somehow. I should say the doctors Hawthorne. Three of Prim's children followed her and Gale's little brother into the practice.

The grouchy old drunk would father five of my eight children and the boy on the floor with the bleeding nose, the other three. Not in sequential order mind you. The baker's son was my second husband, but my first husband never denied me the mutual admiration of the pleasures of three within our marriage bed. You would have had to know Haymitch to understand how that could work out as a happy ending for everyone. But I knew happiness beyond description in those men's arms. To hell with what you kids think, we deserved that joy in each other after what we'd all been through.

Twenty-seven years have gone by since then and I can still feel the shadows of that world. I can still smell our sweat as we danced our shivering embraces. I can still remember the shining beauty of their eyes as we all woke and put on our public faces. The President, his Mockingjay and the devoted security advisor often caught tangled together in the early dawn by their stylist, Cinna.

Uncle Cinna to our children. All my babies are grown now. They are politicians, like their fathers, except for Finnick, who is a painter and sculptor. Peeta and I spent as much time on campaign with the kids as we ever did with Haymitch. Haymitch would be so damned proud of them. Haymitch Jr. is a softer kinder version of his father. I like to think of him as what Haymitch would have been, if he had not lived twenty-five years mentoring the hunger games. Hay Two is now just a little younger than his father was when I met him. His face will never wear the burdens his father tried so hard to drink away. But he has that same dry sarcasm and brooding calculating mind as the late President.

Peeta stood by me during all my dark times after the accident that took my once-scruffy hero and sent the whole country into mourning. We survived his death together. We married, just as Haymitch had always meant us to do. Then, I stood by Peeta as he began to loose his mutts. Peeta the Mutt Lord, loved those damned ugly things. In the end I guess I half did too. But they were not programmed for long life. At about the twenty-year mark the faithful dependable aged things began to fail. Six years ago, Rax-9 was the last and Peeta pampered that poor elderly thing until he almost broke my heart. I didn't understand what he suspected then. I never saw him cry for the loss of his mother, father and brothers when district twelve was bombed off of the map, but when that last mutt finally gave up the ghost, Peeta cried for days. He knew his own time was short.

We were In Old District Four, trying to scare up votes for some project that Young Cinna had going. He was Old Cinna's favorite of course and everyone was enjoying a happy morning socializing with Annie and Finnick Odair. Peeta looked odd. But, he was sure the seafood had just set with him wrong. He stood up to make his speech and he looked up and smiled to the audience, told a joke and was off on his spiel of the virtues of the new legislation when he stopped and seemed focused on the back of the room. He came around the podium and smiled and said one word, then dropped off the stage like a stone.

I know what I heard and I know what it meant. Peeta said "Haymitch?"

They called it a brain aneurysm. His heart was buried in the clearing at Mockingjay Rock, next to Haymitch and Gale. I donated his body to science. I don't know if there are any other mutt people out there made by the Old Capitol but it was that programming that killed my Peeta. That old Mutt code gave out on him just like it had his poor devoted creatures. That terrible technology was long destroyed by the time they realized it might have had other use besides the evil that Coriolanus had employed it for. So the kids and I all decided that Peeta would be more use if he could help some other victim. I have been without Peeta now for three years, almost four, and I can't say they have been any kind of easy.

I look out the window of the train and I wonder what he will think of me for just showing up like I am doing. It doesn't matter what he thinks if you want the truth. I haven't seen him since her funeral and it is that dangerous second year anniversary. He isn't the friendliest individual according to my kids who make excuses to check on him.

The first year, you are still in a fog about loosing someone. Everyone pays attention and you feel nothing other than strangely surprised. It is the second year that gets you. That's when it sinks in that this is for all time. Words like forever and never begin to have true meaning and stop just being sounds you say.

Annie died of kidney disease two years ago next week. Finnick stopped answering calls two months ago. I know he's ok, because I talk to his kids, and mine. My oldest girl married his oldest boy. I have grandchildren older than I was when I entered the hunger games. I cheated on Haymitch one time before we were married. He knew about it before I even got home. We never discussed it and I never did it again. But the only man that I would have ever cast a second glance at, after finally winning the Haymitch award, was Finnick Odair. Once he was known as the Panem Playboy. The kids look at me like I am insane when I tell them that. They think they are the only ones who were ever young and pretty.

Every breath I have taken since the rebellion, I can say I owe to Finn. He is my friend and I won't let him be alone right now. We have spent our lives taking care of the people we love, and now we are just two old farts who nobody understands. They don't know why we are so grumpy and outspoken about the past, but they were not there.

I watch the old district come into view. I lug my suitcase off the train and check into my hotel. Within an hour I am walking up and down the docks looking for his old wreck of a tub he named MockingJo. I spy his trawler finally, docked in a run down section of the marina. I lean over the railing and observe the old guy staring out to sea and methodically darning a net that weighs more than I do.

What hair he has left is gray and unkempt. His face is lined and hard while his middle has gone a bit soft. His once golden skin has deepened to mahogany leather. He is still muscled but his physique has barreled. I watch him for a long time, enjoying being near him without his notice. I wonder if he will recognize me, I have chopped my hair off and Peeta's cookies and eight babies had long ago warped my girlish figure into what Peeta called lumpilicois and I called fat.

"You going to stand up there all day Katniss? If you promise not to shoot arrows at me I have a box of sugar cubes and a pot of coffee below."

"You always were a charmer, Finn. What gave me away?"

He turns and grins, a couple teeth down from a capital smile. "Been expecting you for about a week now. Your daughter doesn't keep secrets any better than you do."

"You're one to talk. Babblefish." I tease.

I step across onto the boat and feel off balance by the movement for a second. He grabs my hand and steadies me. "Good to see you, baby. You are as beautiful as ever." He says pulling me to him in a hug.

"They let you drive this big old boat after failing that eye exam, pretty boy?" I hug him back as if I could break him. He reeks of fish and sweat and I don't care, I bury my face in him and inhale.

"When did you get here?" He bends his head to me and I feel his breath on my scalp.

"About an hour ago?"

"You been spying on me for twenty minutes I know about. Didn't you go to the kids?" He tilts his head with curious observation. Green eyes lock on me bright and as beautiful as they ever were. "Everything ok, baby?"

"You won't take my calls." I say with a smile.

His mouth opens and pauses. He sighs, looking away, he sounds irritated. "You came all this way because I decided I am not at anyone's beck and call now?"

"Fine. Don't answer. You stopped calling me too. You trying to hurt an old ladies feelings or are you just pissed off at me?" I match his irritation.

"Not much left to say Katniss." He mumbles.

"So you are mad?"

"No." he throws things about and seems like he won't say more. I wait for his tantrum to end. He sets a foot up on his railing and leans over staring at the water. "Nobody talks about her anymore. It's like they have forgotten her. They avoid anything to do with Annie, thinking I will fall apart if they tell a nice story about her. I can deal with memories, but I can't stand pretending like she never was."

I put my arms around him. "I know Finn. I have been there."

"Yeah. Guess you have at that. How the hell do you stand it?" He doesn't respond to me, but he doesn't pull away either.

"I talk about them anyway. Just like they are in the next room. Sometimes, I don't stand it at all. The kids, only knew that tiny side of him they saw. That sweet indulgent Haymitch and the Peeta who was so reasonable and silly. They missed so much of who they both really were." I say softly.

He swallows and squints out to sea. "How much do you know about how Haymitch and I came to be friends?"

I choose my words carefully. "I know you had an affair with him Finn."

He nods, surprised and still trying to decide how much to say. "Do you know the rest? About Annie?"

"Lets get that coffee," I pat his back and bend forward to keep from hitting my head on the bulkhead as I go below.

Away from the world we sit in comfortable silence. The boat sways softly and I wonder if it would turn my stomach if I had to deal with the movement for long. It is almost imperceptible and yet I know we are not on solid ground. I think of it like the sway of a tree and it helps. Finn puts a lot of sugar in my coffee. When, I take a sip it is still stiff enough to lower my voice an octave. "Good." I say making a face.

He grins and reaches in a compartment above me. He doesn't ask, just splashes a dollop of rum into my cup. "Going to get me drunk and take advantage of me, you twisted old fart?"

He looks at me confused. "Well, Yeah. Who could turn down this God-like splendor? Liquor you up and take you down to Treasure Island." He twists into silly poses that didn't look ridiculous on him once upon a time. For a second, that perfect insane capitol whore is before me and I am too innocent to look at his netting very closely.

I laugh and so does he as he slides into the seat with me. "You know Finn, I never liked you because you were pretty. You are just the same to me."

He smirks. "I know. The stuff everybody else cared about never impressed you much. That's why the only three women I ever worshiped were Annie, Mags and you. The rest cared about what they wanted. You guys could see me under the surface. Mags used to call it deep water."

"I haven't thought about her in forever." I admit with a smile.

"I do. I mean, hell, I am her age now Katniss. I keep waiting for all this hidden wisdom to drop out of the sky on me. She knew everything and I still feel as dumb as carp. We are all that's left really. Auntie Jo slips more every day. Went to see her last week and she didn't know me. I mean I am used to her thinking it's forty years ago and things, but she didn't know me." His eyes search my face like I might have an answer.

I nod. "I know. But it's good too. Our kids won't ever know the games. To them it is just a terrible fairytale. That's what matters. When we go, that first hand memory passes out of the world and I can't say that is a bad thing."

"Every year I subtract 24." He says with a smile. "I figure in another hundred years it will even out. The dead I mean."

"I stopped counting. I saved Prim. She became a doctor and gave birth to three more. The ones they have saved count too Finn. We made back the price in lives long ago. You don't have to count anymore."

He smiles the genuine smile I remember. "Wow. You're right baby. We win." He takes a deep cleansing breath and leans his head back closing his eyes. "Why do you stay Katniss. It's all over. The kids don't need us. Everything we love is gone. I am ready to go. I miss her too much. I want to be there, not here."

I reach up and touch his face, knowing exactly what he means. "Sometimes I don't have an answer for that myself."

"We could run away together. Sail this tub out in a storm and find them." His voice is so quiet I know he means it.

"I think I could go with you, pretty boy. Except right this minute, here with you, I feel kind of peaceful. It makes me happy to be around still. I don't want to leave yet. I want to be here." I admit with wonder.

He leans in to me, and smiles broadly without showing his teeth. "Me too. But as soon as you are gone, it will tumble into the drink and I can't stand the thought of it."

I frown. "Are you asking me to stay Finn?"

He leans back and looks at me. "Of course not. I was just joking around."

I am a little taken back at his gruffness. "You want me to go then?"

He slumps protectively over his coffee. "I don't want anything Mockingjay. Stay. Go, whatever you want."

"Then I will stay for a while." I whisper, afraid to speak too loud. We were getting along so well and now he's suddenly off in some way.

We sip our coffee. I take as long as possible, afraid he will expect me to go when my cup is empty. I am relieved when he stands and fills our cups again. He adds rum and sugar again without asking. The boat rocks softly as he flops back down in the seat next to me.

"Did you ever tell Annie? About our Goodbye?" I ask without thinking.

"No. I told her the rest. But not about that" He grins at me, eyes seductive and kind again.. "God that was a good day Katniss. You were so damned beautiful. That day is an immaculate memory to me, even the light of it is different in my mind. Did you ever tell him?"

I laugh. "I didn't have to. When I walked in, he said I needed a shower. I didn't get it when he said I needed to wash the fish off. I did fish at the lake often enough. I mean there was no way he could know. But he knew."

"Shit. What did he say?" he asks, eyes wide.

"He joined me for the shower. He was rather undeniable. I think if I had said no, he would have taken me by force anyway and then left me over it. I don't know, because we never spoke of it. He and I were a pretty volatile mix sometimes you know. But I needed to connect with him after being with you as much as he did. I responded in a big way. I caught on that he really knew for sure while we were in the moment so to speak. He was furious Finn. Never saw him like that again. He was never jealous of Peeta, ever. I didn't make any excuse. I didn't pretend not to know what upset him. I just said I was sorry and he forgave me at once."

He sighed. "I can't say I didn't worry about you. Scared shitless for about a month if you want to know the truth."

I am perplexed. "Really? You were afraid worried? You thought he might come after you?"

"Not exactly. But, yes that too." He has such a look of indecision on his face I am screaming with curiosity.

"Well? Just tell me Finn. It doesn't matter now." A nervous giggle escapes as punctuation.

"It could. Don't want to change him in your heart." The sea green eyes lock to me without mirth.

"I think I know Haymitch's flaws Finn. You won't."

"You didn't know him in pure darkness baby. You brought him light." He hints carefully. "The Quell gossip was not the first time he beat the shit out of me."

I grin. "Ok. Tell me yours and then I will tell you how I got him to quit drinking."

"I was just a kid you know. He was pretty spectacular back then. Look at your son and you know what I mean. But, they had done things to him. Terrible things Katniss, and he had had nobody. To help him. There was nobody to understand. It started out that he was just trying to help me. But, it got a lot bigger than that pretty fast. He got kind of possessive and so did I. Things went south. Then we had a blow out. Both of us spent time in the medical ward for it."

"You mean you guys were… a real couple?" I ask astonished. I knew Hay had been with men, even Finn, but had no idea he'd ever been out that way.

"We didn't speak for a long time. Then they came for Annie. Mags and I were just basket cases. Annie wasn't ready. She knew Haymitch, hell we'd gone to four together while we were still good. Anyway, she and he. Behind my back. To help her, but of course I couldn't see it that way at the time. So you, us… kind of must have looked like I did it in revenge. I wasn't sure he could ever forgive us if he found out. When I said he would kill me back then. I wasn't joking." He pulls his mouth as if he was sure he'd probably said too much.

"He might have I guess, if we had stayed at it. I think he hoped it was, exactly what it was. I think he got that it was goodbye. He watched us like a hawk for a long time after that you know." I think back to how he would pop up without warning to my absolute delight. How he and Beetee had everything bugged.

"He was a very dangerous man Katniss. I was afraid for you. I feared he would have a meltdown and you would just be gone. People could disappear around him. I don't know the real number. But I know that Lanus Snow sent between eight and eighteen assassins to district twelve to kill him. None of them ever returned and none of them were ever found." He says as if he doesn't expect me to believe him.

"There were eleven. They ended up in Greasy Sae's famous soup," I say with evil mirth.

"Wait. Didn't she cook in District 13?" He said laughing and turning a bit green at the same time. "After all these years of whoring and fishing, I didn't think I could gag any more. Thanks for proving me wrong."

I shrug and roll my eyes. "Twelvers weren't as Finicky as you spoiled Quads."

"But. What did you do with the heads?"

My eyes narrow, "You don't want to know." I say mysteriously, actually having no idea myself.

"Could have died well without that information Katniss. I need to learn not to ask you stuff if I don't want the answer." He says shaking his head and looking at the ceiling for help.

"I knew about Annie and him." I side glance him and smile.

"He told you?" He's leaning back in interest.

I blow on my perfectly cool coffee. I shake my head, savoring my little secret. "Nope. Annie told me." I enjoy the facial earthquake I created.

"When was this?" he demands.

"The day we got her wedding dress." I tell him casually.

I tell him that story minus one detail and the story of Haymitch's magic drinking cure. He laughs at my stories and we have more coffee. Spiked.

His arm is soon around me and we are giggling like teens. Of course, as teens we had never gotten to giggle, so it was about time it escaped out of our system.

"Seriously Katniss. Why did you come?" His voice has changed. He is an old man in longing and he studies my face searching for something.

"Because I promised your wife that I would never touch you again. And she covered my mouth and said I couldn't know that. She made me promise I would be here for you if she ever wasn't, and she promised to be there to help Haymitch, should it come that he lost me. I am keeping my promise to you wife and I am staying as long as you need me or will let me." I blurt it out before I lose my nerve. The rum helps.

His eyes widen, I have taken his breath away. The two of us are not attractive anymore, but Finnick Odair kisses me and it is as beautiful as any kiss I ever had. "Wow." I croak as he backs away.

"I haven't touched another between you and Annie." He says quietly.

I swallow. "Peeta." I shrug. "Aren't we too old Finn?"

"To old to play games." He says his forehead touching mine.

"I'm not playing Finn it's just….I don't look like I did then." I say dropping my eyes embarrassed.

"That's funny. You look exactly the same to me." He says with such sweet surety, I believe him. He kisses me and after a few minutes of it, ascetics no longer factor into our move onto the bunk.

We are in the middle of pleasure as only two old farts who have had no hope of finding any ever again can be. I wouldn't have stopped for a bomb, when one went off in the form of a grandkid screaming bloody murder and running from the scene of the crime. Parental footsteps barely give us time to find a blanket and cover our nakedness when the tirade begins.

"Oh my God. What the hell is going on here?" the voice I can't see but can identify even in it's horror demands.

Finn squirms around and yells. "What the hell do you think! Get out and learn to knock! Teach those younglings the art too."

"Are you two insane?" She screams. "Mother, what are you doing here!"

I sit up calmly with a sigh. "I am trying to have sex with Grampa Odair, sweetheart. So if you don't mind, we were not finished. We will see you at home. We are old, have patience."

"You can't be serious. You just scarred Joesea for life! Oh god, I am going to be sick." Rue says in revulsion and frustration.

"Then do it someplace else. You are already spoiling the mood." Finn adds in his gruff old growl.

She stands there, dismay on her face, finally turns and slams the door muttering something about nursing homes and heart monitors. I laugh. It infects Finn and he does too. "And you thought Haymitch was tough?"

"Yes, his daughter has always been a handful. To bad my son is a stubborn know-it-all just like me. I told him she would be a terrible catch. Of course you were pregnant with her during the last mission, so what do you expect. I guess we better get dressed and go face the music." He says with dejectedly hurt pride.

"Damage is done. Why stop now. We never were very good at keeping us a secret." I pull him back to me.

"Because I am not twenty-five years old anymore woman." He says poignantly.

"Once upon a time I had a teacher. He was an excellent teacher who found the idea of getting caught exciting." I say, sultry voice in his ear.

"The idea of getting caught Katniss. Not the act of getting caught." He says still not following me.

"It's so wrong Finn. We shouldn't do this at all. We should really just die old and alone with dignity, pretending like it never happened. I am just too bad, wanting you like I do. Wanting to make you…." His mouth on mine stops me.

"God you haven't changed a bit Katniss. You're so beautiful. Let them wait, this might be our last time." He says coming back to me and smiling his lusty grin.

"Shouldn't you lock the door?" I gulp.

"No…I don't think so…" He whispers darkly, as the boat answers our movement with subtle wake.

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><p>Hope you enjoyed it…. There will be a few more depending on reviews. The next one is more of Old Finn and family reaction - look for 'Violins' – soon to be available in a computer near you.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3  Violins

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: Violins –Chapter 3  
><strong>Summary<strong>: _Finnick and Katniss discover that some of the kids have an issue with the old people finding any comfort in each other. Katniss is shocked that her oldest child could hate her own Father-in-law so much. Finn takes off on his boat in a rage. _  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss/Finnick (Nicky, HayLee, Magnus –sons of Finnick and Annie, Rue –daughter of Katniss and Haymitch and married to Nicky)

Violins- warning, may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone makes me want to read it again) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, Pm grouchiness, and unwanted hair growth.

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><p>Violins - Chapter 3<p>

The older the violin, the sweeter the music.

Like tributes we marched up the path. Finn squeezes my hand. I sigh. This is not going to be pretty. He smiles at me and stops before we get to the gate. "Do you see what I do? I used to feel the same way before some of my worst appointments. No younglings in the yard, is a sign of danger, Katniss. The sharks have gathered."

"Those sharks are our children, Finn. And I for one, will not be treated like a child."

He yanks me into a rakish kiss, "Good luck with that, baby. I can smell the fire. They will barbeque us if they can."

"Finnick Odair, you are still a wimp." I smile at him and he knows I don't mean a word of it.

"It isn't wimpish not to want to do battle when you have just armed your opponent. What are we to say? We have not even done more, than get carried away with nostalgia ourselves." He says kissing my hand and letting his half lidded eyes speak volumes.

I sigh in satisfaction. To be in his arms again makes me feel like a girl. "They better mind who they talk to, Finn. Haymitch wasn't the only one to have a grumpy side and you have got me on the tipsy half of the boat."

He threw his head back and laughed rough and boisterous. "Aye, Mockingjay. But Yea both made the girl and she is a bit of a monster!"

We open the door to my daughter's house and look defiantly at the many faces greeting us with open accusation. "I feel so special children. Didn't know my techniques would be so interesting to you all." Finn stands, feet apart arms folded, still showing off powerful arms and keen eye. He has lost most of his capitol dialect over the years and his tone is softened into the cadence of the speech of fishermen.

My son-in-law, Nicky, stands up and puts his arm around Rue. "We can't imagine what the two of you were thinking with such behavior." His voice is so reasonable and full of disappointment that it felt like we'd been caught stealing from small children.

"We were thinking that we would like to say hello in a mutually enjoyable private way. Who knew we would be dealing with anyone else's opinion? How are the knocking lessons going?" Finn demands.

"Who knew that anyone would even care?" I say with a sarcastic gleam. Finn and I both chuckle at the adult children.

"You think this is Funny?" Rue silences us both.

" Yes, as a matter of fact." I say, eyes level on my daughter.

"I don't remember needing your approval for anything I decide to do Nicky? What difference does it make to any of…"

Rue cuts in. "It does make a difference when my mother arrives and is bare ass naked with you, within hours! How could either of you dirty the memory of Daddy and AnnieMa like that. They would both roll over in their graves. How dare you act like two foolish teens and be groping around in rut like that."

"The last time I checked young ma'am, your mother and I are adults and if we want to rut, make gooney eyes or announce our love with a sea chantey, it is our business. Our business alone." Finn says leaning forward eyes hard as emeralds.

"You seducing my mother is damned well my business. You have no idea how delicate she can be. I know what you're up to old man. I know what you used to be like. You know I do. Act as pathetically stupid as you like, but not with my mother." Rue screams at him.

"Rue, don't say that." I say calmly.

"Do you think this is all fun and games, Mother? Do you think he gives a crap about you? He never loved anything in his life, except for AnnieMa. He's going to hurt you and you don't need his kind of attention."

I take a step forward. "What kind of attention do you believe that to be, Rue?"

She glares at him. "The attention of a whore, Mother."

"Rue. Apologize at once." I say, face red, seeing the deep hurt in Finn's smile.

"Katniss. Just let it…" Finn's voice is low and deflated. His eyes are locked on Rue, so filled with pain, I can feel the pure hatred.

"Mother, You don't know him. You were all friends' way back in the day, but I know who you are dealing with. He is not who you think. Whatever he told you to get you in the sack, is just going to hurt you in the long run." The venom behind her words rocks me.

"Sweetheart. I am so very sorry that this came about the way it did, but I promise you. I am a big girl. Rue, Finn loves me and I love him. Please don't be afraid? I know what I am doing here." I can't help but smirk a little at my little girl being so protective and warning me of the dangers of having a physical relationship. I am pretty sure she has only been with her husband, Nicky. We sent her away before the boy from home got to her, hopefully. She has no idea that Finn and I are closer than we appear.

"Oh, so you check in to the hotel, go to the marina for a moment of meaningless humping with him and suddenly, you and he have made time to fall in love? Give me a break, you can't be that stupid!" She is so livid I look at her husband confused.

"Sweetheart, he didn't seduce me." I say with perplexity.

"Mother, you can be so inexperienced. Last week, you say he won't take your calls, but your solution is to show up here with the intent of being his slut? Because that is all he will ever see you as. The famous whore will use you and then he will tear your heart out. He thinks all women are sluts."

I slapped her. "How dare you. How dare any of you stick your little ignorant noses in things you know nothing about? None of you would be here. Not one of you. This man saved my life and…" I am so angry I want to do more than slap her. This is my daughter. My beautiful daughter, who I was pregnant with as we stormed Snow's mansion, the reason I threatened Haymitch to get him to stop drinking, the child I sung to as I rotted in prison. This is the precious girl I came home to Haymitch from the wilds for. She thinks she can speak to me, as if I have no right to the freedom I helped make in this world.

Rue holds her face. I have never struck her before and the loathing I see in her eyes is too big and vicious to comprehend. "We have heard that all our lives, Mother. He took a bullet for the great Mockingjay. He did something good a long time ago. So what. That isn't who he is now. Isn't who he's been for a long time. He's nothing to anyone now. We put up with his crap for AnnieMa. When she died. So did any obligation to Finnick Odair. I can tell you who he is now. He's a bitter old man and everyone hates him." She isn't looking at me, but him.

I turn and see his eyes focused hard on the floor. The boys are all looking around uncomfortable, as if they want to crawl under the floor. "How can you say that? Rue, Finn has been my friend for most of my life. He put his life into hopeless danger for me again and again. I didn't even know I was pregnant with you; he stayed in the tunnels, with the wild Mutts, knowing it was certain, gruesomely horrible death. We owe him every breath. You couldn't exist if he had not been there. You married his son. Saying something that hurtful to Finn, is just like saying it to me."

"You know mother, just because he gave you a little thrill for the first time in a million years, doesn't mean you know anything about him." She says chin high and looking down her nose at me.

"Well it certainly wasn't the first time." He blurts with malice.

"Finn!" I chastise.

"Oh dear jellyfish juice, I don't want to hear another word. Rue, if your mom and my dad want to sing a little ballad now and again, it is up to them. I don't want to know any more. I don't care and I damned sure don't want to know that they cheated on Mom. I can't deal with that shit. Do whatever you want old man. You always did." Finnick's youngest stands, makes his speech and walks out of the room. I hear the kitchen door slamming as Magnus exits the house.

I am watching this and I don't realize, until the front door slams, Finn has left.. "There he is. There is the man we know, Mother. Flying Finn is gone again." Rue gestures toward the door and says it in a mocking sing-song voice.

.

"Rue, I don't understand any of this. This is absolutely stupid. How can any of you be so cruel?" I say baffled.

"Did you cheat on Daddy? Did you two sneak around panting and thinking you got away with it? Wasn't it enough Daddy let you have PapaPeet? Did you have to be such a greedy bitch in heat, that you had to bring your dirt into AnnieMa's house too? Are any of my siblings Odairs, Mamma?" Each sentence is far more efficient in causing sting than my little slap. "You never deserved either one of them. Daddy and Peeta were too good, and too kind, to have ever been lied to like that. Maybe that horrible old whore was rocking you while…."

I don't hear more, because I stumble out the door. I can't be there while I am this angry and I have no idea how this small bit of embarrassment has turned into such a nasty argument. I had expected to say we were sorry, but then I had expected them to grin and be happy for us. I had expected a tongue in cheek lecture about his intentions or even a little sly teasing. I was not prepared for the bomb in my face.

I questioned how my actions could have led to this. I questioned if she was right. I always knew I didn't deserve Haymitch and Peeta. Maybe seeking comfort in Finn was somehow a betrayal to the memories of my husbands. But I honestly felt it was not. If Finnick Odair had not married his true love and I had gone to Haymitch and told him I wanted an affair with Finn, he probably would have seen to the arrangements himself. I did not see he or Peeta begrudging us seeking solace in each other now.

I get to the marina just in time to see Finnick at the controls, as his trawler pulls out from the docks into the shipping lanes. I take off in a run and scream for him to wait. I have not run anywhere in ten years and I am sucking air and near puking by the time I get to where his boat was docked. I jump up and down and wave my arms like crazy, but the evening light shines brilliantly at my back and I see that he never turns or hears my pleading cries.

I stand there, panic and exhaustion making my chest heave and I can't help but wonder if I have seen him for the last time. I bend to the railing wondering if he's gone to find Annie. I watch the boat get smaller, trying to figure out what to do. The voice from behind me says casually. "You know my Dad has always been that way. He has always been so full of darkness you could bait hooks with it. Did you and he cheat on my mother?"

I turn. My favorite one of Finn's sons, HayLee, named for Haymitch of course, stands there, green eyes appraising me from his mothers face. "Before everyone was married, yes. If you must know. Uncle Haymitch threw me away once. I was a war hero, because I didn't give a damned about what happened to me. Your Momma was just back from being tortured. Not all the way home yet. He and I have loved each other all these years, but not once did we act on it, once we took vows. The friendship was bigger and it endured all these years. A little comfort in each other was not too much to ask of you people. We may be old to you all, but we still have hearts. At least we did. We weren't hurting any of you. You all live your safe little happy lives and you don't know anything."

He sighed. "Won't help but, my two lines in the water if you want them, are in agreement with you." He squints, watching his father's boat bump the waves as he heads out to sea.

"You didn't speak up. Same as agreeing with them Haylee." I keep my voice calm.

"I don't disagree with them either. If you had done that to my mother it would have changed things in my eyes. Momma trusted you. I am hoping that she could. He is not what you think Aunt Kat. I didn't know you all had that kind of history, but I don't know if it matters. Dad is crazy as a bed bug. Only one who could ever soothe him was my mother." He says without any anger as if he's just stating facts.

I turn to him and laugh at him. "You think any victors made it out sane? Do you have any idea what my beloved first born just did to him back there? Do you really know what happened to him? And Haymitch? And your mother? You kids won't ever understand because you don't want to be bothered. Maybe your last chance to really know him and you guys stabbed him in the heart. Me too."

"There is more to the story Aunt Kat. I don't know what happened between Daddy and her after the wedding. Rue has had her guns out for him for a long time. Momma kept her in line, but she isn't here to calm Rue anymore. She's like Uncle Hay. I remember him you know." He leans up against the railing.

"What do you remember of him?" I ask, trying to keep the challenge and the sarcasm under control. There was no need to lash out at him. HayLee was eight or ten when Haymitch died.

"I remember his temper a time or two. He and Dad used to argue a lot. I remember him dancing with my mother. She didn't dance with anyone but Dad. But I remember them dancing in this twirling gliding way. They spun and spun and my mother's eyes were on him with this strange look. I always wondered about them, Aunt Kat." He asks, eyes turning to me in amusement.

"Yes. They did." I admit simply.

"So you and Dad. Him and Mom. Anyone else I should know about?"

"We don't have time to list all the permutations, Hay. You wouldn't believe some of them if I showed you the pictures." I tease.

"If that's true, I don't know how the lot of you had time to start a rebellion. Auntie Jo says things sometimes, but she also doesn't know her own kids these days." He shoots back. "How did my father become …what he was." He looks away, blushing.

"You mean a victor, a whore, a hero, husband, father, friend or broken?" I won't let him off the hook. I don't understand what has happened between him and his family, but Finn doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

He shakes his head but says nothing.

"They never told you why?" I ask seriously.

"He won't talk about it at all. Just stomps off. Momma pretended not to hear. We even rented historical footage. I saw you get shot, then Dad was there. He looked insane. Should have guessed what it meant. That was more than him just protecting the Mockingjay wasn't it?" He asks, just seeing and comprehending the whole picture.

"He thought I was dieing, HayLee. He blamed Haymitch." I say quietly.

"Because you got shot?"

"Because I was there at all. They wanted a martyr and at the time I was pretty determined to give them one. I thought it was all Haymitch could want of me. Your Daddy was …all I had at that moment in time. He gave me everything. His life, his kindness, his friendship. He made me live."

"I saw you do some other stuff. Brave things Aunt Kat. You were so brutal. A young woman like you would have scared the devilfish out of me. You looked like a rough-cut hellcat. Dad was shown with a lot of women. Hundreds. He looked just as crazy then. We saw your reaping. Uncle Hay drunk at it. We wondered if it was because you were called. We hear stuff about him. Even in school, people said stuff. Auntie Jo would tell us stuff without telling us stuff. I don't understand."

I study him finally turning my attention from the sea. "You are ashamed of him."

He shrugs. "Not exactly proud of it."

"You should be proud of it. Not many people would survive what he did to keep someone safe. If he said no, they would have killed everyone who ever spoke to him more than twice. It is what they did to Auntie Jo and Haymitch. Haymitch had it as bad as anyone ever. They tortured him to finally gain his cooperation. Tortured your Dad too, but mentally more than physically. They tortured everyone. You have never lived the constant fear we did. Finn and Hay kept it from happing to your Mom for long, but they paid for it. The price was almost his very soul HayLee. He was a hero long before he saved me. He saved a lot of people in ways you don't know. Any crazy he has left from those days, you should bow at his feet and thank him for not being a gibbering, drooling lunatic." I say wistfully aching for him.

I sit down on a fishing bench. Finn is out of sight now. I would have given anything to go with him. I wonder if he would have let me. "How can I talk to him?" I ask suddenly.

HayLee grins and he leads me aboard another vessel. The Captian and HayLee are obvious friends. Before long they are hailing the MockingJo.

"What do you need Broadie Blue, I am underway." Finnick says casually. His voice is clear and sounds like nothing is wrong.

"Where are you headed Finn." He asks.

"I am on the boat, where do you think I am headed?"

"No crew. You're not fishing and I have a little lady here who says she is going to start swimming if you don't get you sorry self back here."

"Tell her to go home. I am doing her a favor." The radio crackles.

I grab the microphone. "Finnick Odair, You are leaving me with the sharks?"

"Oh Katniss. Go home, baby."

"No. Dammit, come back here. I came to see you. I will go with you."

"I Love you, Katniss. But no."

"Finn? Do you still have my arrow?"

"Sure baby. Course I do."

"I am calling it in. Come back here for ten minutes. Just ten minutes." I plead reasonably, but my voice shakes. He may laugh and turn me down.

There is no response for almost a minute. I am afraid he will refuse. "I will if you want it, but it isn't going to change anything. Know that, before I get there."

"I will say what I have to say then you can do what you want with it." I say back immediately.

"No tricks." He says warily.

"No."

"Any of the kids there?"

"HayLee is. He helped me contact you. On this."

"Can you still swim baby?"

"Yes."

"Swim out alone."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Let you figure that one out. Be ready. ETA two Zulu minutes to port. This is Flying Finn on the MockingJo, I am clear."

"Finn? Finn are you still there?" I look at the two men who have listened to this exchange.

"He's turned it off. He says twenty minutes."

I let go of the microphone. "Do you think he will come back?"

"Said he would" The man says with a smile. "Now why do you want him to, is the question?"

"Because I am the Mockingjay and I am cranky. Thank your for your help. HayLee, this is my room key. Staying at the Anchorage, get my suitcase. Hurry."

"Aunt Kat. You can't mean to get on that rust bucket of his with him, do you? He could be gone for a month. What would I tell your daughter." HayLee says with horror.

"Tell her that we will be back when and If Finn decides. Tell her I love her and I hope she doesn't ever regret the things she says to people, because if she ever does, she will know how she shamed her father today."

"No. This is insanity. You can't."

"HayLee Odair. I may be older than tides, but I will get on that damned boat, with or without my things. Go, before I really do start swimming. Captain, have you a row boat?"

"Aye, but you better listen to the boy here. His sire is no company for a lady." He states carefully.

"Then we have no problem. I stopped being considered a lady, the day I took up with Haymitch Abernathy. I have no fear of Finnick Odair. He paid the toll on my life long ago. If I have to pay it back now, the forty happy years he handed me were a pretty good gift. If he makes shark bait of me, so be it. I owe him that much. Now, are we going to stand around here while he gets closer by the second, or should I just start swimming."

The captain looks at me then over my head to HayLee. He shakes his head and scratches his ear with obsessive habit. "I always wondered how you did it. How a little slip if a girl, started it all." He wipes his nose with his knuckle and laughs. "Guess I got a first hand glimpse. I will get the dingy ready."

"Just like now, Captain Blue, I always had help" I smile at him and wink.

"My sister in law is going to kill me." HayLee says but he takes off at a jog up the hill.

When Finnick's boat arrives, Captain Blue has us sitting on the edge of the shipping lane. Finn whips the wheel and cuts the engines. The huge boat looks like it is going to ram us sideways as the forecastle tilts ominously and a huge surge bounces us. It stops its drift just before bumping our little rowboat gently.

"Show off. Pulls crap like this all the time." Captain Blue says in resolved annoyance.

Finn leans over the side and I hand him the suitcase. "I told you no. No doesn't need a suitcase."

Hands on my hips, trying to balance, I yell back to him. "After we talk, you can throw me and it over the side if you want. But just in case you change your mind, I have it."

"Fine. Hope you don't mind wet stuff." Finn reaches over and grunts at the weight of my bag. It isn't that heavy, so I roll my eyes.

As I finally and gracelessly make it onto the deck, I lean over and tell Captain Blue thank you and he can go. He looks at Finnick. His face says he does not approve of this. "Stay there; she will be right back Broadie." Finn shouts down.

"No, I won't." I correct. I glare at him and wave him off. I paid him, so he listens to me and begins rowing back toward the docks.

"Do you think I won't dump you over the side, baby?" One eyebrow raises and there is mirth all over his face.

"I very much think you will. But you won't drive off and watch me drown." I say meeting his eyes with steady humor of my own.

"You will swim. You and your luggage. Now, what is it? Must be life or death, that you called that  
>old childish promise in." He is glaring now.<p>

"Where ever you are going. I am going with you." I say as if I don't expect him to complain.

"That it, Mockingjay?" he has no reaction to my words.

"There is more. That is the big one."

"The answer is no. Have a nice swim Katniss." He lifts me up and though I can see the strain on him he heads to the edge of the boat. I lean into him and kiss him.

"One night Finn. You can make me swim tomorrow. Take me out to sea, no interruptions. Please?" I brush my lips against his.

I see the temptation smolder. His lips curl at the edges. "One last Goodbye?"

I nod as I slip out of his arms. "Anything you want. Last time, so anything."

I see his decision on his face before he says the words. "One night, Katniss. One."

I smile. "Ok. But if we can't get it all crammed into one night, I reserve the option of two. No reason to put that much pressure on us. We are old." I say seductively, pressing myself to him and sincerely amazed at how delicious he feels. I slip my arms down to his hips and pull him to me.

He looks at me, eyes soft with desire. "Might take me three nights to do everything I am thinking right now, baby. Why are you here Katniss? What do you think is going to happen? What do you expect of me?"

"Finnick Odair, I have loved you, as exactly who you are, for forty years. You made me feel alive once and you did it again today. I didn't care what anyone thought when I fell for Haymitch. I don't care what any of them think now. Finn, I am not asking for more than you can give. I never will. So. I don't expect anything. Right now, I am expecting to live a few of the secret little things that have passed through my mind over the years. Maybe, you will allow it. That's all I am asking at this moment, sweetheart." I couldn't hold his eyes as I said all of this, though I did try. Finnick Odair, still made me blush, all these years later.

He kisses me and I can't think of more than the feel of his lips and the way his hand feels like rough stone as it slips from my cheek to the back of my head as he deepens this kiss. Eyes locked to me, he pulls back and sighs. He quietly asks with scorching eyes and husky voice. "You have fantasized about me? Did you think of me as he was inside you, Katniss?"

I have said too much. It is hard to tell him the truth. "Sometimes. But, I never told either of them." My heart beats in my ears and I tremble slightly at this terrible admission. Shame is written on my face, but if that is what it takes for him to know how much he means to me, I will deal with the humiliation to please him.

"I am surprised by that Katniss. Once you fantasized about him, while you were with me?" He is searching for chinks in my words. He wants to believe me, but I don't think he does.

I grin, remembering how he'd said that would not offend him. My old teacher, wanted to be more than a surrogate lover. I relaxed realizing he needed to know the truth, right this minute. "Finn, you know you were the first man who really made me feel pretty. Like I could be really special and someone could want me. Really want me. We may have never stepped over the lines again, but I have made love to you, found gratification in your memory, so many times over the years it is embarrassing."

His head tilts as he hears this, pleased and mystified. "I never suspected that, baby. Even earlier, I expected you to push me away. There has not been a stray look between us for forty years. I am not the beauty I was once. I expected you to react with revulsion or at least call me a perverted old fool."

"So, I should have made you work harder and seduce me? You never did before. Games were never our game, Finn. Even when we were young, you being pretty had nothing to do with us. Nothing at all."

"You think you would have bothered with me if I had been ugly?" he asks as if the answer is obvious.

"I was ugly, and you bothered with me, Finnick." I say looking at him with no question that I was telling the truth.

He sighed deeply, and then he chuckled. He laughed like he had lost his grip on reality. He spread his arms and his head rolled back as he half screamed, half laughed.

"I wasn't that ugly, Finn." I complain giving him a little shove at his meanness.

He stops and yanks me to him hard and almost with anger. I can't quite hide the shock of watching his emotional roller coaster he has just ridden. Crazy as a bedbug, his son had said. He kisses me as if he owns me and I try to figure out what the next expressive earthquake will be. "Katniss, just because you were not painted and primped to capitol standards, didn't mean you were not the object of many men's desire."

I glance at him. "Did you ever? Did you ever think of me, or was I just one more that you tried to forget?" I say this directly to his chest. I don't want the answer as soon as it is out of my mouth. He had Annie and I could never compete with her ethereal perfection. It was a stupid question and I was an idiot for asking.

"Katniss. You're so dense." He whispers. He lifts my chin and waits for me to look at him. "I loved Annie with every fiber and every ounce of me. Like you loved them. But, you never left me. Not really. I have dreamed of you. I have known your kisses. The taste of you. The heat of you. The sound you make as I …."his breath is heavy on my neck, "…as I made you beg me for pleasure. We were all heat and passion and fun once. No strings and no responsibility. Love, purely for the sake of the others pleasure. Yet, I knew the day we said goodbye, that I had to be careful. I knew how tempting it was to have you again, even if it meant games. How did you guess my dreams, Katniss? "

"I don't understand Finn?" I say, wanting to stop talking and leave. I want to be away from all we know. I want to be alone with Finn.

He smiled wickedly and pointed to a spot on the deck. "Right there. You. On this boat, under the stars. That's the one that still keeps an old man in the sport of the young."

His words are polite, but the idea behind them is not. He has fantasized about me. I know my face lights up. "You mean you…thinking of me?"

"Yes. More often than you would believe. So habitually it could be called a sickness. Tortured by the thoughts lately. I could not speak to you any longer Katniss, for fear I would break down and beg you over the phone. If you had laughed at me? Even an old man can have his heart broken." His words are punctuated with kisses, feathery and sweet.

"I won't ever laugh at you. About that anyway. That one has to be first, Finnick. You and I under the stars. Then I want to hear the rest of them. I want to hear them all. We have to do them all. Please Finn. Anything." I nuzzle him, lost in the need of a long misplaced clandestine dream.

He searches my face, the eyes that match the distant sea are wide, as if I am trying to pull something on him. "You are saying yes? To anything I want? Surely you have learned that could endanger you? You don't make offers like that to strange men, Katniss. I am disappointed Haymitch didn't warn you of that peril long ago. Out here alone, there would be nobody to help you. What if I am crazy? You must not say things like that, baby. Not ever."

"You are not a stranger, Finn. Every breath I have taken for forty years, you gave me. Even my husband, you made him understand. My other husband, you would have let he and the mutts tear you to shreds to protect me. Forty years of friendship without once letting it be uncomfortable. My first Grandchild. It all revolves around you. If I can't trust you Finn. Then it never mattered. This was all a dream and I am really next to Gale Hawthorne, nothing but forgotten dust and bones."

"Katniss, you saved me as many times."

I smile at him and lean in to kiss him again. Just before our lips touch I whisper again, "Any. Thing."

He shakes his head and his jaw is set hard as his eyes blaze with things twisting and coiling in his mind. Silly man, who taught me the art of seduction, has become such easy prey.

"Better back out now, little Mockingjay. I am not turning the boat around again, even for you?" He picks me up and spins me once.

"Does this old tub move?" I challenge nodding out to sea.

He crawls quickly up the ladder to his controls. I follow. "Better hang on. The old tub might buck you off." He looks back toward shore. His expression hardens and he turns away.

There are faces back on shore who have watched this exchange. I am sure some of them are filled with fury. Finn turns over the engine and I grab hold of him as the acceleration sends me off balance. I wave to them, that all is fine, and grin. The wind on my face and Finn driving this thing like it's part of him, makes my spirit soar. I beam and kiss his cheek from behind, holding on for dear life as the boat begins leaping in the water. His footing is steady and sure, but I am pretty convinced I am going to be flying off the back any second. I scream from time to time as I learn to let my legs take the movement.

He leans back looking in my eyes and his anger at the gathering on shore, melts into a laugh of his own. "You are a crazy woman Katniss the Mockingjay." He shouts.

"I had a pretty good teacher!" I shout back.

Once we are out to sea, the choppy water is gone and the ride smoothes out. I finally let go of him. He turns around and smiles. "Time to learn how to drive this expression of grace and beauty." He names off the controls and lets me steer for a while. Basically, keeping my hands busy leaves his own free to roam. I like the way controlling the boat makes me feel powerful. I love the way his hands make me feel weak.

"Hey Finn? Before you get too distracted there, how do you bathe on the boat? I need to you know, freshen things up before the stars come out." I have just now realized I still smell of the train and our sweaty morning adventures.

He steps in front of me and adjusts things a little. "Follow me." He whispers.

"Wait, don't you have to drive?" I say afraid to leave the bridge, as he called it.

"I can drive and shower at the same time." His eyes dance.

"So me hanging on to the controls was not really necessary?"

"No, but it was very entertaining." He bounces his eyebrows at me.

He explains the workings of the shower and how we have to conserve water. I nod and wait for him to leave. He leans up against the counter and crosses his arms. "Take off your clothes for me Katniss." He whispers.

I stare at him for a moment. "Finn…I…"

He tilts his head and raises an eyebrow. "You said anything. The way I taught you will do fine." He waits, narrowing his eyes with expectation.

I know he's up to something, but I like his game, so I take my time and even though I am no longer too thin and too young, the appreciation in his eyes, makes me tingle. "Very nice, Katniss." He says, turning and leaving the small space.

The water is hot and I spend some time shaving things to capitol standards. I hear the engine cut off and a mechanical groaning noise from somewhere close. I hear him coming down the stairs and scramble for my cloths. They are gone. He sees me searching.

"Looking for cloths? Don't bother. I will let you know when you can have them back."

"You're going to keep me naked?" Disbelief is fighting amusement.

"Nothing but the stars to see you Katniss. Go up on deck and wait for me, I think you will know where." His eyes crinkle a bit. "My fantasy, baby. I have dreamed of getting out of the shower and you are just there. Nothing on, waiting."

I grin at him and nod. "Then tonight, I will be."

Up on deck, the stars are closer than I have ever seen them. There is no land. The whole world is blackness with sparkling lights. Nothing exists but this tiny boat in the vastness of all. I move around to the stern and in the place he'd pointed before, there are six hurricane candles surrounding a canvas-covered cushion. I peak under the canvas and see the huge net coiled under it. He has made us a little mattress here under the stars.

A bottle of wine and two glasses sit nearby along with snacks. I lay back, feeling like a terrible person yet too aroused to care. The candlelight dances on the canvas. Reflecting on my skin, it's giving me the illusion of beauty in its warm flicker.

He comes up the stairs slowly. He wears a matching outfit to me. I take in the sight of him, his hair is smoothed and his skin stretches over hard muscle. Any flaws I had imagined he would find looking at me, do not show on his expression. "My Katniss, at last." He sighs.

I lay back invitingly. He makes no move to join me, as if he's in no hurry though his body disagrees. He just stands there looking at me. "The stars, Finn. Are they always like this out here?" I look up and smile.

"No. They are never like this. Usually, I can see them."

* * *

><p>I hope you liked this chapter. I loved the then and now dynamics – the kids being jerks – how she is the one desperately trying to save Finn and something is brewing.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4  Music

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: Music  
><strong>Summary<strong>: _Finnick and Katniss play under the stars, under the no clothing rule and without the hurry of youth. Both are victors, but who will win the game of love? Is it even a game? _  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss/Finnick

**Music**

_Bonus material - warning, may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, sex, smexy lemons, smutty thoughts, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, bondage, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone makes me want to read it again) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, Pm grouchiness, and unwanted hair growth._

* * *

><p>Finn joins me, comfortably settling on the net mattress and opening the wine. I smile at him as he focuses on me with his still beautiful eyes as if he is memorizing me. We sit quietly, flirting without speaking at all. Somehow this wordless prolonged seduction out here under the stars, without even the normal barrier of clothing, heightens my want. My eyes keep darting over him, imagining how his skin will feel on mine in a few moments.<p>

He is aroused and I have to wonder what he is waiting on. I become more and more bold in my appreciative looks of hunger. My glance lingers on his erection and I lick my lips, demonstrating my thoughts. He twitches himself in approval. I refuse to make the first sound and so does he. I reach out to him. He deflects my hand, bringing it to his lips. Finn gently sucks each finger, and then kisses the back of my hand before returning my hand to me.

I move to him and he shakes his head and points me back to my spot. I lay back, in frustration. I smile and crook my finger at him to come to me. His smirk grows wider, but he doesn't move. I shrug and toss a grape in the air and catch it in my mouth. He rolls his eyes and grins. I drink more wine and I yawn. His forehead wrinkles. I pretend not to notice.

I lay back looking at the stars, absently teasing my breasts. I let my hand slip lower, nails feathering my abdomen. His head has tilted to the side and he watches me intently. I touch myself slowly, as if nobody was watching. His mouth opens and I can hear his breath deepen.

I insert a finger inside myself and he sighs. I am wet and he is lying over there with what I want. I turn my head and focus, not on his face but on the instrument of pleasure he is deliberately withholding. Release is so close and touchable and I want to feel him inside me again. My breath is turning into a pant as that wanted thing that I can't have, tempts me. My own fingers are about to let my craving find discharge. I close my eyes to give way to it.

He is above me and his own breath is fast but controlled. He forces my busy hand away from myself and pins both of my hands above my head. I squirm and wiggle, trying to make him skewer me into bliss. He strokes me with himself, spreading my wetness with his granite formation, but still refusing to sink into my heat. I arch and beg with my actions and his eyes show amusement and power.

Normally, once upon our youth, I would be begging him by now and he knows it, but beings we are being silent, I must let my body speak. It is screaming, arching and being driven wild with the madness of this hunger. He lays his weight on me and I sigh, finally thinking he is giving into me. I am so intent on trying to receive him that I don't realize he has tied quick knots upon my wrists. I yank on them, having not had this occur in a very long time and never with him. He has my right ankle tied. Then roughly forces my legs apart and secures the other ankle.

He stands up and disappears. I yank on the bindings, the first waves of anger surging. He has left me in a state of need I can barely exist in, and now he denies me even my own release. I am naked under the stars and now helpless. I was so close, my body will not move away from that cliff and my legs churn seeking some measure of friction, now impossible.

He stands over me again looking down at me; he has a small tray of items in his hand. He bends his head and smiles. He lies down on his stomach and scoots forward until he is nestled to me. His tongue reaches out and flicks me. He is slowly teasing me to insanity. I hold very still panting, hoping he will not stop this time. Again and again he tortures me into almost pleasure. He has created numerous odd but pleasing sensations from the little tray of secret items he has tucked away near him.

I strain against the knots, trying to pretend I am not leaning into the wind about to fly. I am determined he will not to stop this time, even if I strain to hide that he has let me fall. I was a fool for thinking I could fake not responding for Finnick Odair. His very life depended on knowing every subtle sign of a woman and being a master musician in pleasure. He notices, smirks and stops. When he does, I can't take it any longer. He raises his head, again smiling.

I can't play anymore. "Please Finn." It is part moan part howl. I am beginning to shiver as my body is racked with need so great it physically hurts.

He crawls up to my face and sighs, "Please what?"

"Make love to me."

"I have made love to you with my eyes all night long, Katniss," he says as if he is satisfied with that alone.

"Use something else." I tilt my hips suggestively.

"Do you want me inside of you?"

"Yes. Please Finn. I need you."

"You have to earn it, Katniss."

"I have to what?" I say with gritted teeth.

"I want to be certain. You are thinking only of me." He rakes his teeth across my breast and I am near tears in my willingness to be so painfully toyed with.

"I am only thinking of you. If you do this to me much longer Finn, I am going to lose my mind and then I won't think at all." I am only partially joking.

"Then you better earn it fast, baby. You have to tell me one of your fantasies about me. One that gave you what you so desire now. Tell me one fantasy and I will give you your bliss. I won't accept anything tame or lame. Your most secret thing. One you have never told a soul. One just for me."

My mind is blank with desire and I can't even think of anything. Only one plays out in my mind and I can't tell him that one.

"That one Katniss. The one that just crossed your face. I want that one."

"I can't," I say seriously. My eyes fill. I am disgraced that he can read my face so easily.

"Yes, you can, and you will. Secret parts of you, that no other knows, are my treasure. I want you to hand me the power to please you like no other. Tell me, so I can make it come true." His voice is so soft and persuasive.

"No. It is too horrible. I will think of another."

He moves himself to me and even the slight pressure of him makes me begin to pant in agony again. "The deeper, the darker, the better. No limits, no going back. Give me that little nasty, horrible girl you have hidden away from them all. I want to please her. Only I can help her fly little Mockingjay. Be mine, at last. Tell me," he says right in my ear.

"It can't come true. It is from the past. From the Quell."

He looks in my eyes, interested, but not judging. He waits for me to keep going. He begins gently pulsing at my need, his body making promises of what I desire, if I just give him this one simple thing.

"There are no jabberjays. Just the barrier and nobody can stop you. You do what you told me they tried to get you to do. We are not allies. We fight, and you win," I say miserable that I have told him this.

"What about it excites you? Is it the death, that people would see, the danger, or the violence?" he asks kindly. His breathing tells me he is losing his battle to control himself so perfectly and exactly. He slips into me just the depth of a thumbnail, only a pledge of pleasure. It is so delicious I can no longer think, I would swear my soul to him at that moment. "Katniss, I can pull away and take my gratification, leaving you like this as long as it takes. As long as it takes"

"It's you Finn. It would have been horrible if it were real. I know that. The real would have been nothing but pain if it had happened then. I would have hated you for all time. But knowing what I know now. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, but still having the fear, and you overpowering me and being yours to do anything you want, knowing I can't stop you. It is something about the surrender of everything to you. The wet hot despair of that place, and that I might be your last as you are my first. It is all wrapped up together. It isn't the reality of that place we actually were. It is a liquid bit in time."

"Tell me the exact emotion you feel as it brings you to pleasure." His voice is gentle, encouraging. He slides deeper and I buck against him without control, but he matches my movements in reverse and he still controls all sensation. I relax, giving up, resolved.

My confession flows in gasps. It surges without thought. Everything I say plays across his face in some perverse way, I have not seen in him.

" I know I can't stop you. But it's more important that you know it. You have completely given yourself over to the beast. You always hold back Finn, you don't ever get beyond control. Just like this. You are still in control of yourself right now. I want you not to be. I am not and you know it. You never did get here, where I am now. Not even the last day. You lose your masks and it is like seeing your face for the first time. For one moment you have stopped giving, and directing. In my mind, yes you are raping me, but it isn't a stranger, it is my friend who I love. The fighting is real between us. No mercy, no game, no rules. No idea what you will do. No choice. You seek what you want. You are consumed, because you have won. Really won. It is imagining you lost, I think. Seeing you take. It's a different power than this. It is something I feel in you. You were sold. You lost your ability to give yourself completely. I think turning the tables, could fix it. They killed a piece of you. For once you are not the whore. I have to please you. Whatever it takes to make you alive again. That is what you take. "

His eyes are on me and he shivers. I gasp realizing what I have said to him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." I say as terror strikes me at what he must think of me.

"Yes you did. Thank you." I can't read his face.

"Finn, I…"I want to take my horrible words back.

He thrusts forward and we both groan as finally he is willing to break me in enjoyment. I can't help but feel that I could wake the stars with my voice. He is not out of control, but he is closer.

The buildup of round one, made the event take the express train. It took a lot longer to learn to take air again without wheezing. We gazed up at the sky. There are marks on my wrists from the rope. "So can you see the stars yet?"

"They are all up there. I will let you know when they quit swimming around," He says reaching out and holding my hand.

"I am not crazy about being tied up," I say softly.

"I'm sorry. With you, I would find it very intriguing," He says, with a funny chuckle following.

"I don't like not being able to touch you."

"Put that in my book of things I have learned about Katniss. Likes rough, hates rope."

"You treated me the way you did those people who paid a long time ago. That is the sort of thing you did to get them to tell you secrets. I don't mind if you did it for fun, but I am not here to just be one more thing you have to do, if you don't want to."

His eyes glitter, looking like a demonic being with his pupils reflecting the candles. "That was one of the things I did to get secrets. With you it was meant to be fun. It was a most interesting revelation."

"Finn, you are playing games with me and I don't understand the rules."

"There are no rules. Not this time." He rolls up on his side to look at me, propped on his elbow. "I am done with the rules Katniss. I will give you anything you want and I will take anything you choose to give me. When our time is up, I want no regrets. This is ours alone, and it will never belong to another creature of this world."

"Does our time have to end?"

"Of Course it does baby. Everything ends. That's what makes it so precious."

I study him and sigh. I sit up and kiss him gently. "You are precious to me Finn. You always have been."

As the kiss ends he drops his eyes. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve this."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because it's true. You will know soon enough. Just remember, I knew it."

"What are you saying? You aren't planning on going back are you?"

"I don't belong there anymore. It is your world now. I no longer exist there."

"That isn't true. Your kids. And me? We do need you. I know things are difficult, but they can be fixed. You still have plenty of time to …"

"She is right, Katniss. Rue. You can see I have been a failure as a father. The obligation is over, and I will never live under one again. I will spend my time exactly as I choose, make my peace and end this life on my terms, no one else will ever own me again."

I drop my eyes, trying to see if his words mean he is wanting only freedom, or if he is seeking death. "Do you think that is what I am doing here? Trying to demand some obligation from you?"

"No sweet one, you are here to tempt me in continuing that life back there. You want to fix the unfixable, save the unsavable and love the unlovable. That is who you are. You want a last love story and I am trying to give it to you, to some degree, but it will not change who I am. Who I have become is of no value to anyone. None what-so-ever to you, pretty Mockingjay."

"What will you do Finn?'

He lies back down, looking at the stars, tucking his hands behind his head. "I will fish."

"Alone? If you would let me I would go with you. No obligation, no strings. You can always send me for a swim if you get tired of me."

"That would be lovely. We will see. Maybe," he says with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh," I say blushing in delight. This is a little test for both of us. The games are to see each other better. To know each other. He and I are not off the table in his mind, but it has been forty years and who knows where we will go or if we can really get along.

He is measuring us in some way. I feel relief at his words. I was so afraid he was only filling in some last wish. I can live with him just giving us a little alone time to see if there could be more than only our old friendship. He is saying that he is not going to keep hanging around, being treated like an old guy with no right to do as he pleases around his children, but he isn't just on a suicide mission.

I think of his life and I think I can understand him. He has been owned his whole life. He has spent his years being the protector of people. His childhood was reaped just like mine. The capitol bought and sold his youth. Then he was owned by the rebellion. Then he became a husband and father. He has done his best and he isn't needed to protect anyone now. He wants to spend his last years pursuing what he loves. He doesn't want the kids telling him who he can love or what he's too old to do. He wants to accept his past, good things and bad, and let himself find out who and what he is without duty.

I like the idea. I can honestly feel the draw of it myself. I have always been able to love him without demanding him or feeling the need to force more out of him than what he offered with an open hand. The attraction between us is still real and full of fire, but that doesn't mean we have to be joined at the hip in everlasting contract. Maybe we will want to spend time with each other in the future. Maybe we will annoy each other after a week or six months. It doesn't change that we care deeply. But it sets us up for no failure if we are different people, who are not meant to be around each other as constant companions. He is not saying he doesn't want me at all, just wants to not spoil it with expectations.

"Why are you smiling like that Katniss?"

I shrug. "Because you said maybe. I thought you were planning on …finding Annie. I was afraid I was in an unspoken game to tempt you to live at all. You aren't saying we are not important enough. You are just saying we don't have to force anything that isn't there. You want to control your life. You have never had that. If we get sick of each other it isn't the end, or some beacon of failure we have to drag out for anyone. We both get to take a breath and see who we became before we fall into the patterns of the world. You don't hate me being around, and you and I have so much between us, but it's like we are bound so tightly by things others can't see, that we don't have to show anyone but each other."

"Is that how you feel Katniss?"

"I think it is. I think I could be with you and be happy but still not hook you, net you and hang you on the wall. Bound to each other with love only. No demands and no possession."

"And you think you could live in a situation like that? Not stuck on the boat with me because you think it is what you must do. Not afraid to say you do want to be here. But not expecting me to come running at every whim. Happy to see me, even if I have kept you waiting a little. Happy to go, when you feel the want of me and ready to port when you have the need of landing? Content with what we get. No bargaining with me that I am too old. You could live with the day I don't return, or with the day we find our last port. You would not lament time spent with me rather than with your grandchildren? The sea is a dangerous, hard place. The MockingJo is like you and I, she is sound as she ever was in her pretty days, but even she can't command the sea. I want no fear of life or death Katniss. Every day. This calm weather is not the only face of the sea. She can be an ugly creature. The sea does not forgive mistakes. Can you ride the big waves with me or are you only expecting calm water."

I stare at him, considering his words. I grin. "We will see. Maybe."

He nods with approval. "Then we will use this time to open our eyes to each other in every way. I will know you as no one before has. No secrets, no shame between us. Then we will find out if there is any maybe. However it turns out, no regrets."

"I told you my deepest secret. You haven't told me any." I laugh.

"Before our time is up, you will know them all." He seems surprised he said that, but nods to himself as if he's just deciding it is a good idea.

I grin, evil and sweet. "Any subjects off limits? Even if they hurt? The truth to the best of our knowledge?"

"If we are to have any small hope, I think it's the way it will have to be. All secrets out. Even the painful ones. But we have the right to defer an answer long enough to gather our thoughts."

"Sounds ok. All the deep dark secrets of Finnick Odair. Man, I know people who would really do anything to be in my shoes right now. If I had shoes. Where are my clothes?"

"Deferred," He says firmly.

I push him gently and playfully. "Jerk, I need a toothbrush. And my other girly things."

"Oh. Well then that is a different question." He stands up and he disappears down the hold. I consider peaking at where he goes, but so long as he is naked for me, I can live with his little prank.

Maybe I pushed my way onto this boat, but at this moment I am so glad that I did. The alternative, of dealing with the kids after he has taken off, would have been horrible. I just read too much into things. I would have been sure I would never see him again if I were still standing there at the docks. I would have blamed them.

"Your girly things, are in the bathroom," He says flopping back down on the mattress.

"Thank you." I pour more wine for something to do with my hands.  
>"About what I told you Finn…"<p>

"How did you know? How do you know about that?"

"Because I have never seen you, not be perfect. You choose exactly when. I mean, that is amazing, but you never have an early out or a stray shot. Haymitch could still lose control. He usually had to be mad at me but, when he was, my compliance was not necessary."

"How did you feel when he forced you?" He is squinting at me with concentration.

"Finn, when you love someone, it is nice. It isn't the same thing as being attacked by some thug. There is something wild about it, feral. It is a hard place to reach, that mix of anger and hate and desire and love. I told you anything, so it is hard for us to get there, because of the pleasure I feel in pleasing you. But every time he took me that way, I saw him lose some of that iron grip on his need to be in control."

"Control was…is survival, Katniss," he says.

"Yes. For you. Because you are still everyone's whore. You are never whole, because you are still there. You can't give into a moment of selfish pure want. You are still doing a job. You find satisfaction, but not because you gave way to it. You don't ever take pleasure, for your own sake. You allow it, but no more."

"But I forced you when you were tied up."

"No. You tricked me, manipulated me and traded pleasure for information. I was your customer, Finn. Could you lose yourself in Annie?"

"In some ways, but she was so fragile, I never dared. She is the closest I felt to clean, but I always felt like I soiled her by wanting her, so I never initiated. Her rules, her wants."

"I may be a bad choice, you know. If I kicked your pretty hide, you would be damaged for life." I tease.

"You mean, seriously…"

"You could try. Haymitch was wily and he didn't always come out on top." I smirk with earned pride.

He frowns at my words, searching for the holes of this truth. "What if it gets out of hand. What if I hurt you?"

"Good luck with that, sweetheart." Haymitch's exact diction came out of my mouth.

"Katniss, I outweigh you. I am stronger. Forget it."

"Think about it Finn. Haymitch could beat the shit out of you. I could beat the shit out of him a little under half the time. What are the chances of you hurting me?"

"Wow. He hit you?"

"Usually not. We tended to exert pain with cunning. We only had a couple of knock down drag outs. We were not a normal married couple, Finn. There was nothing like us. If you and Jo had married, instead of you and Annie, that would have been a similar volatility. Annie won, but she was never a victor. Two victors. Married."

"Katniss, you did see me fight. I didn't get better over time. My temper is horrendous. If I hurt you." He is shaking his head.

"You will never win a battle with me in anger. Besides Finn, It will be a different mindset. Your purpose is not to kill. We will have a safe word."

"No, I don't like it."

"Obviously you do like it. Naked is informative. Up to you. Mull it over, while we begin round two."

He obliged me my want of him this time, without antics or game. We were finally pure adoration in the broad starry night.

The wind had picked up by morning. Finn gave me boat-driving lessons. Because the wind was chill, we put on light gear. We fished and talked of old times. I hauled in a small sea bass and watched him clean it with expertise gained from a lifetime of practice. He grilled it with rosemary and garlic but most of it went to his freezer for later. The MockingJo was a little self-contained world. She needed fuel cells two or three times a year and fresh water when the tank was drained, but the rest of the ship ran itself. I would want to make port for fruit and other foods, but most of what we needed could be gained from the sea. He showed me how to set the trawler's nets and the MockingJo looked like some sort of huge sea butterfly dipping her lacy wings into the water for sustenance.

Finnick grinned at my fascination with his world. The only thing he needed help with was when he hauled in. He was so efficient that I could imagine him managing it himself, but it did work better with two people. He'd found a huge school of slippery little jumping darting silver fish, he called sardines, and I laughed at how tiny they were. I teased him that they were no bigger than bait. A million of them seemed to cover the deck as we separated the seaweed, trash and unwanted fish from the catch.

"You bring me luck Mockingjay. The sea approves of you. We will dine in port tonight, after we sell this bounty."

"You mean we are going home?" I ask with disappointment.

"No. These little fish-baits are a grand catch; we will have to sell them down in Cannery Coe. Do naw worry. You will like it there." I looked down from the bridge. We had to do something, his hold was full, the deck was covered and another net hung heavy with the slippery little fish. Honestly, I was exhausted. Fishing was a huge amount of work. I also reeked of the little silver devils. I had always found the scent pleasant on Finn and his sons, but now I realized, I had only ever smelled the tiny bit that didn't wash off. I ended up napping on the ride back to land.

The port was a bustling unorganized place. There seemed to be no rules and I was a little frightened twice, as Finn guided our vessel through the mass of churning boats of every size. Nobody seemed to notice or care that we came inches from crashing into each other. I watched the other boat captain's weathered whiskery faces.

"Finn why don't you grow a beard. I have never even seen stubble on you," I blurt.

"They wanted me clean shaven and baby faced. It made the old men who fucked me feel young. It made the old women feel pretty. They killed the roots long ago. Even something so small and normal, was taken from me without my will. They took everything along with my soul. Some things never grew back. Sometimes I still wonder about what is normal. Tell me, how would you feel at your age, taking a fourteen year old as he cried and begged you to stop?"

"I can't imagine a more disgusting thought," I say, trying to hide that it nearly brought me to tears. I was thinking of someone doing that to Rue's son Flynn, who is a carbon copy of Finnick at that age. He is so beautiful that everyone fusses over him, and yet he still looks like a baby. How could we have ever been so young and nobody offer a moment's compassion to our youth. Looking back it is hard to reconcile that without my rebellion, that had brought so much sorrow, Little Flynn would probably be a victor by now, like his Grampa. This moment, a woman my age could have paid for the pleasure of forcing him to do anything. "Do you realize, Flynn?"

"Flynn is almost seventeen. By his age I didn't exist any longer Katniss. I had tried to kill myself six times and tempted customers to do it until Haymitch stepped in."

I franticly try to banish pictures of Flynn, mixing in with Finnick and Haymitch. I don't pay much attention to our docking; I am lost in the past. Haymitch saved me. I wish I could go back in time and save them.

Finn dickers and waves his arm as he and the one who will purchase the little slithery shiny fish come to their wary agreement. Finn tells me to head up the hill to the open market and hands some of the money he's gotten. "I look horrid. I smell," I complain.

"You look local, baby. Nobody will recognize you. Go, be you for a couple of hours. Have a little fun, shed of the Mockingjay burden." He grins and kisses me on the cheek.

I wander up to the market. Nobody pays attention to me. I am just part of the crowd and it feels like taking a deep breath. Nobody here cares what I do. I don't have to buy things I don't want to keep from hurting someone's feelings. I don't have to be stopped and questioned and listen to the stories of the war. They always want me to hear about the war. Where they were when I was shot, how they cried for Haymitch, Peeta's unexpected death, the names of their loved ones, were all fair game for a momentary conversation. I had learned to be hard inside and mask a look of sympathy and kindness, but nobody ever thought that randomly walking up to me and bringing up the most painful moments in my life might get tiresome. I appreciated they remembered, but this little anonymous walk, was proving to be almost magical.

I pause at one stall. An old blind woman sits in the booth. I eyed her necklaces. They were just cheap simple glass beads with a bobble of some sort. There were the inevitable Mockingjays, tridents and starfish. "May I help you find something you like?" she asks suddenly.

I wonder how she knew I was here. "You wouldn't happen to have anything with sardines on it, would you?"

She stands and smiles, her fingers nimbly sift her jewelry. "There you are," she says, "It's silver, not the junk, like up there. I don't have much call for them, but the silver tamp was left to me, so I work them in." The little fish glitter in the sun, nose to tail, forming an unending circle of fish. We quietly haggle on a price and settle without the theatrics of Finn and the fishmonger.

I move on, buying a drink here and a snack there. I am looking at brightly colored gauzy sundresses when I hear the shout of voices, calling "Flyin Finn-ooh," in good natured greeting. I spy him strolling up the street pausing here and there. He sees me and winks as he chats with a grizzled old man. Finn slips a few coins secretly in the old man's pocket like a reverse cut-purse.

He looks at the dresses and selects one, holding it up to me. He puts the pink and yellow one back then lifts a green, aqua and deep blue one. He hands the woman the dress and they disappear into the shelter of her tent. He returns with it wrapped in paper and a soft smile on his face. "So you buy me cloths, but won't let me wear them?"

"Come on. I have checked us into a room. We need a shower before dinner." He doesn't wait for me to comment, just heads off back down the hill, peeking behind him to see if I am following.

The hotel overlooks the harbor. It has seen better days but the long hot shower is exquisite. He joins me and we act like two teens touching and giggling. Enamored with each other, we are tumbling to the bed unwilling to even dry ourselves off before we are linked in furious rhythm.

My hair dries in a messy jumble. The dress ends up being slightly see through but as I complain of it, I see that was his intent. I feel exposed and embarrassed all through dinner, especially as he whispers things in my ears about how plainly he can see every movement. He keeps touching me and my nipples stand out to his amusement. Each time they calm down he brings them to life again until I am ready to stab his hand with a fork. As desert arrives he slips his hand up my dress and is making it difficult for me to even think of eating.

I think we are going back to the hotel, but instead he drags me along to a deserted little park. There is a little stone memorial and as I read it, I realize it is dedicated to him. "They commemorated your games?" I ask, horrified at the thought.

"I always hated this place," he says, his hands roaming on me softly. He is leaning into me from behind and my dress has affected him this evening.

"Why bring me then?" I ask, taking one of his hands and kissing the back of it.

"Bend over," He whispers lifting my skirt above my hips and guiding my torso down to rest on the stone.

"Finn, this is a public place." I protest but don't move. Without another word, he slips inside me. The fact I am letting him take me without question, against my better judgment and against my normal public propriety, is exciting in a dangerous way. I am terrified there will be a flash bulb and my face will be drug all over the Media. Former First Ladies should not ever be caught being humped like a dog on a national commemorative monument.

I don't make a sound as I shiver under him and feel myself clench him wildly in waves of heated fervor. He bends over me and a short grunt escapes as I feel his muscles turn from iron to an accumulation of shuddering weight. His enjoyment must have been rather massive, because I can feel the warmth he pulses in me spill over.

We quickly rearrange ourselves as if we haven't turned into two old farts who have completely lost our minds. "I have never, ever in public, Finn. That was a bad idea." He is still breathing hard and he leans on the stone, head down shoulders high.

"I know. You should have stopped me," He says. He eyes me as if it doesn't please him that I didn't stop him. He steps to me slowly, his eyes scrutinizing me. "Now you have to walk home dripping of me the whole way." He pulls me to him and crushes my lips with his. His mouth is hard and demanding and I yield to it trying to understand his strange behavior.

He has a lost look on his face as he pulls away. "I was not gentle with you. I took you like a slut, and you liked it." He is both making a statement and wanting me to confirm his observation.

"With you? Yes, I liked it. It pleased you." My throat is dry with adrenaline and fear, making my voice husky.

"It nearly made me…I was not in control for a split second. It was such a strange feeling. I wanted you here because I have always been ashamed of this place. Now it is a place that will make me think of you. Your body responds without your will?"

"Sometimes, of course."

"What if you were sold like me. Would you have found it survivable?" He is so curious as if my answer is a key to my inner locks.

"I can't answer that. Finn, I have nothing but respect for you that you did survive it."

"You don't look down on me? You don't think less of me for being at someone's disposal, to use in any way they wanted? For as long as they wanted. No will, no choice, used like a thing?"

"No. I never think of you like that. I only hate them for doing it to you, not you for surviving it."

"Prove it."

"What? How?"

"Walk in my shoes. Once."

"You want me to have sex for money with someone?" I am mortified, horrified and going to be sick.

He holds up a wad of bills. This is the money he made from the sardines. "Not with just anyone Katniss. I want you to be a whore. I want you to be my whore. We both may learn a lot."

"Are you crazy? Finnick, what else have I been. How does a wad of bills change it? I want you, so it won't be the same. I still won't understand how horrible it must have been for you."

"Maybe not exactly. But, once you cross the line you are always a whore. If you take this and are forced to perform any act I desire, without any say in the matter, I think some of it will seep in. Join me. Be a whore like me." He is laughing at me.

"No. This is the silliest thing I have ever heard."

"I see. So you are better than me. Cleaner, more pure. I am just a thing to you. I don't exist. All these years, and I didn't get it." He smiles and I can see his fake masks sliding back into place.

"No. I don't think like that. Not at all!"

"You just proved you do Katniss. We were going to the room and I was going to fuck you. You just let me bend you over and use you in public. I am not even asking you to take it from a stranger. But you can't leap into my life, ever. Because, the thought of being a whore, instead of just using a whore, is too ugly for you to contemplate. You can't accept money for things you were going to probably be doing anyway. That is what you think of me. That is what you all think of me. That is why I won't ever be going back."

I am standing there staring at him dumbfounded. The wad of money is shoved back in his pocket. He tosses the room key at me and I catch it. He smiles, turns and begins walking away. He's strolling along as if he has forgotten I exist. "Finnick," I call out, "Finnick, what are you doing."

"Enjoy your room and the rest of your evening. Be at the boat in the morning. I am taking you home." He doesn't look or sound angry. His face is perfectly pleasant, but he keeps walking.

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><p>Ok, I know. Finn is acting strange - once you see the whole picture - the games will become clear. Grin - you know I rarely put a detail in without purpose - there are bombs ahead...and mines in the water - Thank you all for your reviews!<p> 


	5. Chapter 5 Used People

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

**Used people - chapter 5**

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: Used People  
><strong>Summary<strong>: The games in port grow darker. Are they games, lessons or has the imagined become too real?_ Everybody is a little used at some point._  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss/Finnick

**Used people**

_Bonus material - warning, may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, sex, smexy lemons, smutty thoughts, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, bondage, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone makes me want to read it again) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, Pm grouchiness, and unwanted hair growth._

* * *

><p>I can't understand what has happened. I have no logic to his actions. We just had sex. I am still full of him and he wants to give me money to have sex. Then it dawns on me. It is what I said to him. If he makes me a whore, he doesn't have to be. He wants me to accept a label I have thrown out there. It is just a label and it doesn't mean he's a terrible person. I honestly thought worse of him when I met him. I thought he was being a slut for free then.<p>

Is he right? Have I got some barrier that makes me feel above him? I was married to someone who survived the same thing. Didn't that count? Was he trying to shame me or make me understand what it was like for him? Is this a trick to get rid of me or did he really feel I could look down on him? What is my issue? Would it bother me at all that he could claim to have paid me to have sex with him? I did it for free? It couldn't be that different. It was just Finn. It is not like walking into a hotel room with no idea who would be behind that door. He would not hurt me. It isn't dangerous, so why had I been so offended?

He wants to see if I can trust him enough to know it will be fine. Or maybe it was just a game to him, until I said no, and then it hurt his feelings. I watch him strolling down the hill. He has not even peeked back at me. If this is so blasted important to him then why not. I don't like the idea, but I haven't liked several of his ideas and they have turned out fine.

I start down the hill, following quickly but refusing to run. I feel absurd.

"Finn," I call after him, "Finn, Stop."

He keeps walking. "Finn, I will do it," I shout.

He stops at once and turns. "You will do what?" he calls back.

"I will do what you asked," I say.

He waits. I catch up to him. I am not happy about this at all, but I don't want him to just end us because he thinks I can't understand.

He waits until I get close. "Say it, Katniss. Tell me what you want."

"I want to join you," I hedge carefully.

He smirks and walks away. "Finnick. Ok Dammit. I will be your whore."

He raises his eyebrows and walks back to me. Slowly he reaches into his pocket and clasp between two fingers he holds the money out to me, daring me to take it. I reach out slowly and my fingers close around the money. I hold it in my hand, staring at it, hating it. I know my face is as red as can be. The money in my hand feels sickly and poison.

This is a mistake, I think, just as I look up into his face. He kisses me hard and shivers of fear run down my spine. I grip the money tightly as he pulls away and looks at me with contempt.

"Now, what are you?" He says with a mean smile. He expects me to say it again.

I meet his eyes, letting my face go blank. "I am a whore."

"Very good. You are a whore. Wasn't so bad was it. You survived that part. Now let's see if you can survive what it takes to earn it."

Fear leaps through me for a second. "Finnick, I…"

"You will call me Mr. Odair, whore. Get moving, you're on my time now." He gives me a mild steering shove. Any desire I had for him fell away and I didn't want him to touch me. I almost handed him back his money, but a sick curiosity kept me silent. He had survived this with strangers, so had Haymitch and Johanna. No matter what he decided for the night, I knew there was an end to it and that it was just Finn. It wasn't like I had to face tomorrow knowing I had to keep surviving. It was a crumb of what they knew. Maybe he was right. If I wouldn't even peek at his world, I did think he was ruined in some way?

"Finn can we…" The crack on my butt was loud enough to make onlookers glance at us.

"Do I need to get a leash to lead you? One more word and I will. I will parade you though this town. Nobody cares about what people do to whores, you know. Nobody will help you or feel sorry for you now. You exist to please me and nothing else."

Tears welled in my eyes. For a moment there is a look of empathy. He smiles and winks, then takes my arm firmly and we head to the hotel. We enter the room and I just stand there not having any idea what to do or any will to do it. What this must have been like for him, as just a teenager, with strangers, sinks into the pit of my stomach.

He yanks my dress over my head without ceremony and makes comments about my flaws, always addressing me only as whore. Finnick is breaking my heart. He grabs my breast as if feeling it the first time and looks me over again. "You'll do I guess."

He takes off his shorts and kicks them onto the dresser. He fixes a drink and lights a cigar, ignoring me. I didn't know Finn smoked cigars. They smell bad. He hands me a drink and tells me, "Bottoms up." He refills it three times. I am glad of the alcohol to stop my disgust at him right now. I will take a lot more to stop making me feel dirty.

He flops down in a chair and spreads his legs wide. I just stand here, thinking there isn't any way that he could be meaning for me to be enjoying this. I can see the amusement in his eyes as I just look at him.

"Well I didn't pay you to stare at me. Get over here."

I walk to where he sits. He reaches out and clasps my hair, pulling me down.

"Get on your knees. Begin here." He indicates what he is expecting.

I open my mouth as he demands and after a few minutes I have just become meat. There is no pleasure or enjoyment. I feel nothing arousing or intriguing. I endure the activity, honestly bored and tired of it. He is watching my face and I don't care. I won't let him see any emotion and I absolutely refuse to cry. Finn is a stranger to me now. He and his reeking cigars are horrid.

He moves me from one position to the next and I have never wanted to do anything less in my life. Things that would have sent me into noisy, eye rolling delight have all the appeal of a medical exam. I hope each time he groans and takes gratification from me that we are done, but he is at something else within moments. I feel no love for him. It is just not there inside me. Antipathy fills the places affection had been safely growing. I don't even like him. He will get exactly what he paid for. Then he will get exactly what he wants. I never want to see him again. I will find another boat up the coast. He made me feel alive once, but it is gone now. I feel dead inside.

As the dark outside is joined inside, deepening each passing hour, I refuse to look at him. I don't move to leave. I don't care if he speaks to me or not. He does things I have always found magical and they just feel slimy and disgusting. Without Haymitch and the rebellion, this would have been my life. He has me on my knees again, stroking me the same way he did over the stone. I close my eyes and try to remember what about that felt so amazing. I sigh. Will he ever be done?

He goes to the restroom and I just sit on the bed slouched over staring at the floor. He stares at me for a long time. "Katniss?" I don't move. "Katniss, baby?"

He kneels down and looks in my eyes. I just look through him. He doesn't matter. He bought rights to my body but I will give him nothing else. Whatever his lesson was, I have learned it well. "Katniss, you haven't responded to me once. We are done with this. Baby, I love you. I didn't mean it to turn out this way. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have thought this out better. This is my demon, not yours"

He tries to put his arms around me and I fling his hands off. "Done." I say. I put the dress back on shaking in my desire to be hidden from his sight. I sit in the chair, pulling my knees up like I did when I was a girl. He stands there looking at me, eyes wide.

"Katniss look at me." He says suddenly.

I shake my head and refuse. His orders to me are done. An evening of torture is done. My view of anything that involves him is done.

"Katniss, everything I think you are feeling right now is normal. Where you are, is where I have lived most of my life. Baby?"

"It doesn't matter. I don't want to be here. I don't have to talk to you. I don't ever want to be with you or even see you again. Love, friendship, all of it is over. We are done. For good."

"No. Katniss, no. Don't say that. Please…." He is on his knees trying to make me look at him. He is coming toward me as if to soothe me.

I begin to back away from him, crawling no place in the chair. "Get away from me before I end you Odair."

"You don't mean it baby. Just come here and let me hold you. I will make it all better, just come here and…"

I kick him as hard as I can. I keep kicking. He takes the blows in shock. I keep kicking every time he nears me. I pick up his heavy glass ashtray intending to use the sharp corner to bash his head in. I am not quite fast enough and he grabs me by the arms and pulls me forward, to him. I hit him in the back with the ashtray, but it slips from my hand on impact. I knee him in the thigh, missing my aim. I stomp on his arch and in my fury my face bangs into his chin.

He throws me on the bed and lies on top of me trying to manage my outburst. I head butt him again, more solidly this time, hoping to cost him a couple more teeth. One hand suddenly free, I try to scratch his eyes out, but his years hauling nets has given him much more strength then I have. I have let my own anger beat me. I let myself get cornered. I was not calm and now I have effectively lost. He rests oppressively on top of me speaking sweet words that mean nothing, while he restrains me. I twist and scream. He puts a pillow over my head to muffle my screams.

I try to keep fighting but he isn't doing anything as straining as I am. He has all the leverage and he patiently tries to calm me down. I am having none of it.

I buck and kick and do everything I can to get force nevertheless he controls me. I am out of breath and out of energy. He pulls the pillow away. His breath is ragged too. At first I think it is from the struggle, but then I feel him, wanting me again. I struggle again, wild once more in determination and he clamps his hand over my mouth.

He lets go of my hands and I feel him slide his free hand up under the dress. I hit him renewing my frantic attempt to escape. "Katniss, you have to stop. Please, It feels so good when you struggle. Knowing you hate me and I can't ever have you again. Please stop…" He begs.

I come out of my frantic struggle and I see him. Finnick Odair does not look in my eyes, that lost little injured boy has surfaced at last and he is losing his mind. There is forty years of built up suppressed desire in that face and he's shaking as he growls for me to stop. The look in his eyes is completely different from the last hours. I am too sore to take him again, yet the thought he will not stop, floods me with burning desire left over from hours of stimulation and no release. I make the choice not to stop fighting him. He has pushed me way beyond my boundaries tonight. I am pushing back. I twist my head and hiss, "I do hate you. I hate you for this."

I may never be with him again after tonight. The harm may be too big. I don't know. But I do know the monster bubbling out of him at this moment and what it has cost him in life. It may have been a long time ago, but he knew I was shot in the head when he decided to carry me to safety. He risk everything for a lost cause. When he covered my body with his own, all those years ago, he paid for that action with his own flesh.

I would kill anyone else for what is about to happen. For Finn, I will make this happen. I will make him lose control. "You knew what making me your whore would do. You did it on purpose. You knew I hated every second of it and you fucked me anyway. Just like you want to now. Get off me."

I try to shove him away and he crushes the air out of me as he lets himself free again of the shorts he'd just slipped on. I let the panic in my eyes egg him on. I thrash around no longer doing him any real damage and as his knees force my legs apart, He whispers. "You can't stop me. I can't stop me. I am sorry. I am so sorry, baby." His eyes roll back in his head as he slams into me and he doesn't even know that I am wet with this lust for him to be free. He has lost all pretense, all control and all ability to care if what he does is good or bad.

"Stop. You twisted bastard. I hate you. You can't do this. Get away from me. No" My voice is cold and cruel.

"Katniss. I'm sorry. I can't. I can't."

He thrusts so hard, I cry out with each one and yet I begin to meet him. I am watching him with a melting revulsion that borders on pity. There are too many years of devotion for my heart to have been thoroughly cleansed of every stray drop of warmth for him. I moan in anguish as I realize the hurt is shifting into the frame of the forbidden.

The spasms begin in my stomach and each time he drives into me I lose any ability to fight. For just a second, the world dissolves. I open my eyes to sweltering green. I can feel the jungle around us. The Quell reaches across time for me. I see the faces of the other tributes pressed against the barrier in horror and I know all of Panem is watching me be raped by Finnick Odair. It hurts because it must be my first time, but the pain and fear is bitter mixed with sugar, becoming delicious. I can't hide what is happening to me. They will know I liked what he did and the shame will take all dignity from me. The fire will burn me away as I convulse, but I can't stop. I begin to shudder. I have lost the will to battle on.

I am in his arms, dieing of gunshot wounds, and there are so many things I want to tell him. "I love you." But it is muffled by the way I am coming apart in his arms. "I love you" I say again to him and there is something wrong with him. His face is brilliant red and every vein has popped out as if he's in the middle of a painful death. I see fear in his eyes and I cry that I love him again as he, teeth gritted, begins to make a wheezing sound of pain. It goes on so long I think he really is dying and try to force him off of me. He clamps me to him and the warmth floods me as his violent twitches subside. He is melting iron turning to dead weight on top of me. He is breathing again and sobbing silently in my neck.

"I am sorry. I tried to fight. I didn't get a choice. They hurt me. It all hurts forever…"

My arms encircle his shoulders and I cry too. I cry for the man who showed me the true power of despair and who finally lost control beyond anything I could envision. I cried for them all. Not just Haymitch or Finn, but for every single child who died in the hunger games, but even more, for those of us who were forced to live.

He fell asleep in that position. He cried himself to sleep in my arms. He cried himself to sleep inside me.

I sleep in pure black velvet. There are no dreams. There are no stars. The weight on me holds me down safely.

I feel like my body has gone far away. Most of the nerves have stopped working and I wonder if I have fallen in the mine. I speculate if we will be rescued. I can't breathe for the pressure. I crack my eyes open, but I am not dying like my father. Finnick has crushed me to him like a child squeezes a stuffed toy against the night. I hurt with every experimental movement. "Finn?" I say softly, patting his shoulder. He bolts to his knees staring at me in horror. He has a big black eye, claw marks all over his face and neck and several of my footprints bruising nicely.

His face crumbles as he looks at me. He looks so much like I remember that day he scooted to his knees and took in the bullet wound in my head. I didn't know how horrid it had looked then, but later I saw how hopeless the wound appeared. He looks exactly like that now. He knows there is no chance. In minutes I will be gone. His face is pure anguish and horror. "Oh Katniss. No. Noo. Oh baby, no…so sorry"

"Don't be sorry. Are you ok?" I look him straight in the eye and keep my voice calm.

"What…Me? Katniss, your face…I…" He says no more just shakes his head in misery.

"You don't look so pretty yourself. Good thing it's not why I love you." I grin. I touch my lip and the finger comes away bloody.

He opens his mouth but only a grunt sound comes out, as his brain is clashing, full of the memory of last night.

"I will be right back." I dash without the slightest poise to the bathroom. When I return to the room, Finn is dressed and lacing his boots.. "Hey. I am just going to take that back off of you."

"I don't understand." His eyes hit the floor and stay there, his voice a raspy whisper.

I move to him and slip my arms around him. I make him look at me before I speak. "We learned stuff Finn. I know what it feels like to deal with some of what you lived. That safe little glimpse nearly broke me. I can't imagine how you survived strangers. Last night was awful for me even though I love you. I just had a moment's taste of your years. I don't have to wake up every day and live in that bleak place you must have. You found out what it's like to be so lost you can't stop. I saw you Finnick. It wasn't right, but it pulled you out. You were so taken over by it all that you were outside control and reason. I saw you."

"You saw what? An evil, selfish bastard that would destroy any good ever handed him? I was no better than they were. I am no better than every one of those heartless, wicked, raping, murdering monsters. I am a monster Katniss. I never thought I was a monster. Now, I know I am. I must have always been..."

"No. You are not a monster. You are a good man. You are worth saving. You are worth all of it."

"No, I am not and you have always been a fool. I am a whore, nothing more. Now I am a monster too. I am unforgivable. I am cursed." Finn states so full of grief he can't seem to breathe.

"I am a whore. I am a whore just like you now. You are not a monster. I am not better than you Finn. You are no more a monster than I am. I never understood the fear. It hurt my feelings you didn't trust me. It hurt my feelings that you put this wall there. I knew what I was doing when I crossed it. I could have stopped you, if I really wanted to." I smile at him and shrug a little.

"Baby, you did trust me and I blew it. I hurt you, not just physical. I don't blame you for anything you decide." He is so humble and hopeless.

"I decide it was a little out of hand. We should have had some small rules that we both agreed on. So that is a mistake we should not repeat. Now we need to see if it translates to regular us. We need to make you lose control. But not like that again. Now we have to find something softer that will do it."

"Katniss, how can you be so calm about what happened. If we had had weapons, we could have killed each other. I hurt you." He is holding his arms out like if he touches me he's going to break me.

"If you don't take me back to bed and kiss all my booboos I am going to hurt you. We had our mad sex and our make-up sex is next." I kiss him on the nose and yank off my stinky tattered dress. I hop onto the bed and glare at him as if he's keeping me waiting. "Do you want a shower first?"

"That might be nice. I could use a different kind of hot water." He says still waiting for me to drop the next bomb.

The water helps the stiffness setting into both of us. He says he's sorry until I threaten to wash his mouth out. He cries more. I hold him, exactly like he'd tried to do for me yesterday when I had lost my mind. We cleanse each other of the blood and even the darkness. The make-up part is all sweetness, timid and tender. It has to be gentle, to accommodate our booboos. Kissing and holding hands, we head back to the boat. People hardly give our matching black eyes a second look.

Finn pulls us out of the dock and I stand comfortably on the bridge in another much more modest outfit he has bought me. The other boats seem to like being in our way and it takes a while to finally get back to our world of desolate freedom.

Once we get out of traffic, I dangle the necklace I bought him. "To remember yesterday." I smile.

"You thinking I will ever forget it, Mockingjay?"

I shrug. "You may get senile."

His eyes dance with merry light. "I keep you around, heart attack is almost guaranteed to get me long before old age." He bends down and I fasten the necklace on his neck.

"Are you saying that I am going to kill you with my demanding appetites?" My voice is flirty and low, as if that is maybe my plan.

"Yes. You will manage what hundreds of capital women could never do. You will turn me to mush then kick me in the heart. But, I am also thinking that a single day with you is worth the same as all the rest of them put together, without you. So, I will take my chances. There are worse ways to die. Without you, would be my greatest horror." He kisses me on my forehead and on my black eye.

"Didn't seem so hard when you walked away yesterday."

"I was always pretty good at bluffing." He says out of the side of his mouth.

He lets me drive again when we get away from Cannery Coe. I think I could love this old rusty tub of bolts. We fly, bumping the ocean instead of gliding on it. I swear the boat likes it too. She seems to relish the fact we are dangerously out of control and that I am letting her have her head, free to gallop.

"Is this why they call you Flying Finn?" I yell with a laugh. "She spends more time in the air than the water."

"Aye. She has six times the power of a regular trawler, reinforced twin planing keels. At slow speeds she displaces the water, but once she hits her stride she rises up and cruises like a yacht. If her engines fail she has emergency sail power. I designed her to fly rather than swim unless she is working or loaded. The permanent rudder allows me to maneuver her at high speed, while the drop rudders will turn her on a dime at low. The booms and wenches give me flexibility to fish surface or mid-water trawls. She may not catch the eye like she did once, but don't let that deceive you. I know everything about her and she responds to me. We trust each other. I have out run storms that capsized friends and I was back around to pick them out of the sea before they got puckered. I can't keep a crew anymore; they think I am too crazy and dangerous. Too old. Me taking off with you, the Mockingjay, our Founding First Lady, the mother of three national level politicians and four minor authorities, there will be terrible fallout to this. Hope you are prepared." He says, seeing something in the ocean and adjusting my speed to the slightly different wave pattern.

"So you pretend to be a dry old fisherman but you are still a playboy with a toy?"

He sighs and shakes his head. "Or, you could say I am a forward thinking person who is well prepared for many challenges. How about a man who appreciates fine engineering and good lines."

"You are good at bluffing Finn." I tease, "If everyone thinks you are crazy, why aren't you?"

His eyebrows rise. "Who says I am not?" he crosses his arms and leans on the rail.

"I say you're not." I am trying to be serious. I see the waves narrow and I drop the speed slightly to adjust her.

Finn smiles with approval, raising one eyebrow. "What do you know, everyone always said you were crazy."

"Maybe they are the crazy ones. Maybe they don't get our sanity?" I cross my eye and stick out my tongue.

The sea smooths out and he goes into his teacher mode. I learn to turn and maneuver her. There is more to it than just steering. Finn tells me all sorts of stories of the maritime world. It is like being dropped into a new universe. He tells me things about reading the ocean, but it all looks about the same to me.

"I like your stories Finn, but the one I need to hear about is why you and Rue don't see eye to eye anymore. I swore she fell in love with Nicky because it meant a life here and I know she is a difficult person, but when it all occurred, you were the one behind her. You could never do wrong in her eyes. Haylee says this difficulty isn't new?"

"I should not have allowed them to marry. This has not been a happy place for her Katniss." His face is hard.

"Why did you allow them to marry, knowing everyone felt it was too fast?"

"Selfishness. If we were related, I would see you. You would never drift away. I don't mean it in any way that I hoped to sweep you off your feet. But things were changing."

"No they weren't. I would never let you fade away. You were my friend. How can you say they changed?"

"You were rarely here. I missed you. When you asked us to let Rue come here that summer, we were thrilled. Annie and I never had girls so Rue was the treat of the decade to her. She just fit here somehow. Nicky and she were always flirty. It seemed to just be the natural course of things."

"But, Finn, we sent her away to get one boy out of her head and within two months, she is married to your son." I laugh astonished, "Are you seriously telling me that was ok with you, just so you would see more of me? We were friends."

He grins. "You were friends with Auntie Jo too. How long had it been and her just up the road? It wasn't the only reason. We walked in on them. Hell, everyone walked in on them. You would have thought they invented it. They were exercising no care. My son was playing the games of a man. He wanted her pregnant. It was marry them, separate them, or face you when my boy put a baby in her."

"So you married them and faced me with that news?"

"Aye, here on this very boat. Fine day it was." He smiles fondly.

"Not for me, it wasn't." I say, still hurting all these years later at the fact I had missed my own daughter's wedding.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I have regretted it deeply." He says turning red.

"Regretted it how?"

"I want to gather my thoughts on that one." He says cautiously.

"I never understood the rush. They must have been taking some manner of precaution Finn. Five years, almost six before young Flynn arrived." I say shaking my head.

"Looking back it seems a poor idea. When my son told me his intent, and she beamed at him with her little starry eyes, I threaten to force a marriage. I didn't expect them to be so enthusiastic. I took my son to the side and Annie took Rue. We told them it was only proper to wait. We spent two hours lecturing. Caught them at it within three hours, then again that evening. Again in the middle of the night. I got up the next morning to the sound of moaning and gagging. I walk in the bathroom and she is bent over being sick. My son was at her. During her heaves." He says turning even more flushed.

My mouth opened to speak and nothing comes out but a Ha sound of astonishment. I look at him and he erupts in a chuckle. He can't control the grinning that keeps flickering across his face. I burst out laughing thinking of the two teens caught in such a position. I can't help it, the thought of Miss Proper caught in such a situation, just tickles me at this point in time.

"He was…while she was throwing up?" I choke. "What did you do? Holy crappoli. That must have been the funniest thing –"

"Not at the time it wasn't. I was so mad I could have killed them both! Annie calmed me down a little. She thought it was funny too, but by that afternoon, she was busy sewing a dress. We tried to call you but there was some mix up. That night I didn't even bother to stop them. Annie gave up on sleeping with the racket and went to the kitchen to bake. The next day we loaded up the Boat, decorated her with lanterns and lace and married them under the stars. Jo's husband, my Uncle, walked her up from the main deck to the wheeling deck and fifteen minutes after the little cake was cut, they were in the cabin and the boat rocked all the way home. You didn't miss much you could call a photo opportunity."

"Well, I have to give her a big heave-hoe on the freaky-deaky. I never considered doing that while I puked." I say shaking my head with my hand over my mouth, still fighting the urge to snicker myself sick.

"Katniss, I was a whore for nine years and averaged four to six appointments every single day if I was not on the board with tributes or in the repair shop myself. I have seen a lot of things. That was a unique experience for me. The part that just turned me to lava was that they were not even embarrassed. They…continued. Nicky says, keep watching old man, maybe you can pick up a few pointers."

"He didn't," I gasp.

"I was assured by Rue her feelings were well aligned with my son's."

"She said something horrible, didn't she?" I remember her at that age.

"Yes."

"But you aren't going to tell me what it was?"

"Nope."

We have more grilled fish for lunch, as we drift with the currents. He has set drag anchors that make the boat stay steady. I catch him watching me. He touches the dent on my head that I just got used to and never had cosmetically repaired. "You still get your headaches?"

"Yes. Not often, but when they do show up, they can be pretty bad. The kids think it's because I am old and fragile and delicate. They want to keep me locked up in a safe little old lady box and if I was ninety that might be fine. But I am still young enough and strong enough to live a little. I get how you feel. When did we let the children become the parents?" I open my mouth and show him my chewing, like he and I had done back in district thirteen when we were deemed incapacitated.

He giggles and takes a fork full of fish and misses his mouth by two fingers, but pretends that it is stuck in his cheek. He sticks his tongue out trying to lick it off from its location. This is an old routine of his, but I laugh insanely because he hasn't done it for me in at least ten years.

"So what are we doing today Finnick Odair?"

"Is there anything you would like? In particular?"

I squint at him. "I like being here, with you. I don't need entertained, I was just wondering if we were going to fish again or anything?"

"How would you feel about rubbing the kinks out of each other and letting the sun bake us a bit. I want your conversation today. I want to hear your voice and be gentle with each other today. I don't understand yesterday, but I do know you will never wear another shiner or fat lip from me. I will never take a chance of harming you like that again" He tosses his fork down to emphasize his words.

I gave him a rubdown, using oils and buttery creams. When it was my turn, Finn took me apart with his fingers, stretching the muscles and kneading away the pain. He took his time and I literally felt like time was skipping in me. "Finn, you melt everything." I say deeply relaxed.

"I what?"

"You melt things. My heart, my body, my muscles, my control, even time. You melted time yesterday. In the end, I was in the jungle Finn. I went back just like I wanted. It was a horrible trip, but I was there."

His hands stop and he sits. I drowsily open my eyes, too relaxed to react more. "My secret. Happened."

He looks down. "I thought it was just me. After you told me what you did, I had been thinking about it. It was just so shocking coming from you, that I couldn't seem to let it rest. Once it came into my thoughts, and you were struggling so, I wasn't just trying to calm you down any more. I don't understand us Katniss. You terrify me."

"Finn, I kept struggling because I saw you. Sex with you didn't break me. It was that you threatened to put a leash on me and by the time we got to the room, it wasn't sex at all. It was nothing. You were nothing to me, because you made me something to be used and thrown away. I know it was a thousand times more horrible for you, but the fact it could happen in minutes with someone I would have died to please an hour before. It brought such despair. I have never had sex that wasn't pretty wonderful for me. I couldn't really understand another kind. I could imagine, but not really. Haymitch used to get really mad at some of the stupid questions I asked him. It was horrid and I never ever want to again, but it made so many things clear. I am not unhappy that it happened."

"It was not me. I was watching it all. I saw your face. You were blank. You were doing your job, just like I used to. I kept meaning to stop it, but the more it, made you feel like me, the more it … I never understood how they could do it. It feels like a terrible drug. A poison, made up of secrets, power and pleasure in a cocktail of pure selfishness. The price was too high Katniss, but it was a gift to know it wasn't what I thought."

"What thought did it change?"

"I….I thought I deserved it. I thought it couldn't have happened if I was not some unworthy crawler. First it was wrapped up in being a victor, but one day it became just because I was born at all. Either I did it or would do it someday, something so heinous that every minute taken from me should be. A punishment for future events."

I nod. " I do understand that now. I couldn't even run away. I needed your permission for it to be over. It was the strangest thing I ever felt…the emptiness."

"I put it away when I got married. But I never dealt with it. It has always been right there, ready to pounce the second I lost control. I accused you of treating me like that and dared you. I didn't see how easy it is to slip into that mindset. It was too powerful to think what it did to you. You agreed. No matter the incentive, no matter the joy of you wanting to please me, the evil of you having to was incomprehensibly wicked. All this time, it was that monster that let them hurt me. It wasn't that I was too worthless to deserve kindness. I have not wrapped my mind around it all yet. My whole past is …I don't know. My student became the teacher yesterday."

"Me too Finn. I can't explain. Somehow there is enchantment on us. Something bigger is working to let us find a different end to our terrors."

He searches my face and nods. I put my head back down and reach out my hand to him. He takes it and kisses it, then holds it to his forehead. I close my eyes, happy to just be in this vast floating peace.

When my eyes opened again, Finn is snoring on our net mattress. I must have slept, which meant I am probably going to be sun burned.

I get up feeling both groggy and refreshed. I go to the tiny head, still burning from our adventures, wondering if I have ruptured any old lady parts.

"Katniss? Katniss…" I hear Finn call in panic. I rush up on deck to see what has happened.

"What is it? What's wrong?" I search the horizon for danger.

He stares at me. "I thought you were gone." He holds his stomach, looks at the sky and exhales.

"I had to relieve myself. Where would I go Finn?" I look around at the endless nothing.

"You might have fallen in, or decided to swim. I didn't warn you of the sharks here and we are drifting in the currents, the boat could out distance you and I…I was dreaming and yesterday…I still can't imagine you could forgive me."

I cross my arms and look at the deck. "Finn, I love you as much as I ever loved anyone. I don't think there is much you could do that I wouldn't forgive. I want us to have that. I want us to have that trust if we can find it. I don't want anything from you that you don't want to give. But once in your life, besides Annie, I want you to trust somebody enough that being with them is more than a job."

"Katniss you have never been a job. I wanted you. I found pleasure in you. You are my fantasy. You are my secret. The thing I desired. It doesn't matter that I can control it. You have always taken me to the edge of it. Baby, I am sixty-four years old and haven't been with anyone in five years. Annie was so…you know how sick she was. You have me plowing you like a teenager. I can barely walk and I would take you again this minute if the opportunity presented itself. You want some magic formula to please me. You are here. That's all it took."

"But last night you would have walked away if I said no. That hurt me. That let the nothing in. If it had been a game. But it wasn't."

"Katniss last night, I should have stopped. I don't know what was in my head. I liked it in the park, not asking you. I wondered what it would do to you if I stopped asking. It was not having the effect on you , but I explained what it was like for me. Six times in a few hours, but I was going to once and for all get enough of you. Six times and then I raped you. That is impossible. After all this time I can't get enough of you. You will leave me and I don't know how I will ever get enough of you."

"I am not going anywhere if you would quit threatening to dump me over the side or abandoning me in some dark scary park. Maybe you have noticed how much effort I put into getting on this great big boat. I can't believe how much I love this. I can't believe that if you came over here and bent me over, as much as I would love to blush and act like a silly girl I would be glad you wanted me. I should be coy and make you work to have me, but your touch made me your whore long before last night. Last night came this close to ruining what you already had. You are so stupid that you are even standing over there right now."

"Aren't you a bit raw Katniss?" he asks sheepishly.

"Yes. Miserable. And if you want me six more times tonight, you will have me."

He crosses the few steps to where I stand. He touches my hair and kisses my head. "What if that was all we had?"

"Is that what you believe? That sex would be like this, if that is all we have? Finn, it's more like worship then something as plain and simple as lust. We are not babies here. If it is just that, it will burn out. We will grow tired of it and go off our separate ways and still I am glad I got to be here with you. I don't care what it is. So long as I can have more of it, more of you, more of the sea, more of your rusty old bumpy boat, I don't even know that I care exactly what it is. I know what I feel. You are the one catching up."

"As long as I live I will love you. No matter what ever becomes of us, I will love you."

"Then from now on you better stop leaving me."

"Only be here if you want to be, Katniss. You will never be a caged bird. I will never force you to stay."

"What if you ask me to leave?" I stand there, eyes pleading with him to never stop wanting me.

"Say no." He whispers in my hair, his lips planting silent kisses all over my head. "Kill me first, or say no."

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><p>X<p>

**_ This chapter is a little more grit - (biting nails)._**


	6. Chapter 6 Dead Reckoning

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: Dead Reckoning  
><strong>Summary<strong>: _Finnick has a morning surprise for Katniss. At first she thinks he's thought up a new game. He has, and it is deadly. _  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss/Finnick

**Dead Reckoning – chapter 6**

_Bonus material - warning, may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, sex, smexy lemons, smutty thoughts, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, bondage, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, torture, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone makes me want to read it again) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, Pm grouchiness, and unwanted hair growth._

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><p>I stretch like a cat as the sun flares, too bright, in my eyes. I feel like all is perfect in my life, even though it is technically completely in shambles except for one thing. Finnick Odair and I have been trying to commit suicide by orgasm for four days now.<p>

Our escapades have not been exclusively gentle or exactly wholesome in some cases, but they have been pretty exciting for a woman of unmentionable age. I have told him secret things. He makes them happen. He has been telling me secrets too. We have been living in fantasy. The more naughty things I tell him, the more I remember. I have at least a thousand stories left to play out with him. The more he sees his own desire doesn't break me, the more he is becoming free. The more he trusts me, the less he needs to control.

He's up early and I rub my eyes, wondering where he is. My left eye is swollen from one of our adventures. I breathe deeply in the sea air. I have held my breath my whole life and some harness is gone here that lets me truly fill my lungs.

"I loved watching you sleep. I will miss it." I hear from behind me.

I turn, roll onto my tummy and blink in confusion. "Finnick? What the hell are we up to now?" I smile at him, resting my chin on my fist. He is covered in rope. He is trussed up for me like a prisoner ready for torture. I smile at how long I will prolong this day. I shiver at the thought of his pleas for the gift of release. I would pay him back for torturing secrets out of me the first night.

"It is day five, Katniss. Time's up."

Finnick has himself bound tightly seated on a metal storage box leaning comfortably against the stern hull. I smirk. "Well, I could like this game, if I understood how to play. You have cloths on," I say in a childish sulky voice, like he's cheating. Four knives sit in front of him. I get it, he wants me to cut his clothes off and have my way with him while he is completely at my mercy.

I crawl over to him and kiss him. He kisses me back with such fire, I whine of my renewed want. "Pick one," he says softly with a little smile. I choose a blade and look at him with evil intent. "Good choice."

"So these clothes of yours are kind of in the way Finn. What ever should I do about that?"

"Different game today, baby," he says meeting my eyes with tears welling in his own. "Your clothes are right there. You will want to put something on."

I am confused, but I throw on a pair of shorts and a sleeveless shirt. I have not seen my suitcase since it was flopped onto the deck, days ago. I had to ask him for everything from toothbrush to nail clippers. "Ok. How do you want to play?"

"Quickly, I hope. If you can find it in your heart. You know how to get back to shore. You know the heading. You can find your way home after. When you get close, call Broadie Blue on the Maudie Dog, and he can meet you and help you dock. I have the radio on the band he monitors, just twist the knob. Haylee will get the MockingJo. I can't think of anything I have that you would find worth keeping. I give you revenge."

"You have lost me," I say in confusion.

"Yes. I have, in fact, which is why we are here. For a few days you have been at my mercy. Now I have reversed it. I am at yours, but I do know the outcome. I have guaranteed your safety before we begin. You have wanted my secrets. I am going to give them to you."

I fold my arms and study his face. He looks like he may be sick. He looks clammy and pale. I think back to Peeta, needing to be restrained from time to time over the years and I realize, I never once thought that Finn could have had the same sort of trouble. "Finn, are you having a spell?" My mind kicks into a gear of recognition and experience in these horrors of the past. Even Haymitch had really frightening breakdowns from time to time. I have really frightening breakdowns from time to time.

"In a few minutes, you are going to kill me, Katniss. I did this so I can't fight you. I can't take a chance of instinct taking over. I can't allow myself to cause you harm. If you don't want to watch, just kick that coil of net over the side. It will drag me down and you can tell them I got tangled in it, and I got pulled over."

I laugh at first, still looking at the complex series of knots binding him. "HayLee said you were crazy as a bed bug. I really thought he was mistaken. It would explain a few things though. Finnick Odair, don't be an ass. I am not killing you. You are just having a flashback. It's Ok. Hay and Peeta had it too. How long did this take you? I am never going to get you out of all of this!"

"No, you won't. My knots are tight and true. Tied dry, swelled up wet now. Every single knot I know. It's tradition. A district four shroud. They will keep me bound quite effectively for our needs." He takes deep breaths as if he's having a hard time breathing. His eyes go distant and his face becomes stoic. "I have some things to tell you, baby. No matter how they come out, this is because I love you. You are not going to like what I must say. They happened and I can't change them. We have no hope of any future because of them. I can't go home now. I have had more than I ever hoped for in these last days but I can't keep doing this to you. My scales have tipped on selfishness and betrayal. So this is my way of fixing it. Anything you want Katniss. I am scared shitless you will torture me first, but I am in your hands. I accept anything you want to give me. I will scream for you as long as you need me to. When it's done, you just shove that coil over and it will drag me down and you can forget me."

The smile is wiped off my face as I realize the huge coil of mended net, similar to the one we have been sleeping on is balanced precariously on the back of the boat. It teeters and he is tied into it dangerously. "Finn stop. You really are scaring me. I don't know what you are talking about. I am not going to kill you. Dammit, can't you see how much I love you? I would rather die myself, you fool."

"Yes, baby. I can see that you do. At this moment you do. That is about to end for all time. I don't deserve anyone's love, much less yours. That's why I am so sorry I have to change that for you. When you got here and then I was once again yours, I thought for a moment, that things could be good. But they can't. I have to tell you the truth. I promised I would. I have no hope of anything good, but I will go in peace with myself."

"I thought they had been good Finn? I thought that…you loved me." I am a grown woman about to cry like a little baby thinking he's gone to this entire extreme just to get rid of me. If he acts like a nut job, maybe I will let him off the hook and go away.

"I do. More than you can imagine. Please remember that." His eyes crinkle at the corners, and I swear I could believe him, if this new game were not chilling me with dread.

"No. You can't care about me, if you think for a second that I can survive this, whatever it is. I will not do it. How could you even want that? I will just drive us back. You don't have to do all this to get rid of me. I am ready to go home if that's what you want, because this is insane."

"You should note my ankles. Steele cable. It is anchored in such a way that driving off will begin the show. If it is the punishment you choose, so be it. Drive away, I will be pulled off the back. I am not certain how gruesomely I will be damaged on the way, but it will be efficient and relatively quick. Anything that makes you feel better. I am terrified of that one, which is why I put it on the menu for you. I have always feared drowning. Most of us do, knowing it is so probable. I would rather be stabbed, or have you slit my throat, just for informational purposes. Once you hear what I have to say, you will lose any compassion you ever had for me. Any horror you want to hand me, Mockingjay. I know it is still in you. You still like to kill."

"Nothing you can say will make me want this. You can't believe.." I am getting so mad at him for talking about this as if it is inevitable.

"I fucked your daughter. Maybe, against her will." He says simply with hopeless resolve.

I am speechless. I have nothing to say to his words. I just look at him waiting for him to make the world come back. He keeps looking at me expectantly, fearfully, waiting for me to move or speak. I am frozen.

He looks down and sighs. "I know why Rue hates me and why I detest her. This is why I can't go back. Not ever. Your grand-children. They are my children. Your daughter, Rue, gave birth to three younglings I sired. They are my children, Katniss, not my grand-children."

""Flynn? Shellsea? Joesea? All these years? Finn….no….please …no. " My heart is twisting like a wash cloth. I run to the side of the boat. The hatred in her eyes flashes at me. I vomit, then continue to heave. He and my Rue. Then me in front of her. No wonder. How could he?

"I am sorry Katniss. I am so sorry. I would do anything to make it not be. She kept silent for Annie. She won't now. I am in love with you but I have nothing to give you but sorrow." He sobs. He sucks air quickly and blows it out several times to regain control.

I sit down in front of Finnick. I look at him coolly. "Ok Finn, you have my attention. How could you hurt my baby?"

Finnick's face is shocked that I will even allow him time to explain. "Katniss. Just do what you need to do. You won't believe me and it doesn't matter. It wasn't my choice. But if we go home, she will exact her price. I prefer this and you will feel better. The one I love to be the last thing I see. "

"You love me? You stole my daughter by tying her life to your son. So you could fuck her under my nose? How does Nicky feel about that? Does he watch, like Haymitch did with Peeta? Or do you both at the same time. Did you figure that you could share her like my husbands did me? Like mother, like daughter? Except against her will? I loved both of them. They loved me. They didn't pass me around to be degraded and bred by relatives." I feel dizzy at these thoughts. I stand up again, pacing.

"No. It is nothing like that. Nicky doesn't know. He must never know. You cannot let him find out." He says carefully but firmly.

"You cheated on Annie. You said there had been nobody. You cheated on Annie? I hate you for that as much as I do for - what did you call it? Maybe rape? Did you set her up with Nicky? Two months and you found a way to keep her. Did you make her your slut, Finn? Did you pay her?" I am not shrieking, but I have probably scared the fish away now.

He smiles softly. He shakes his head. "I don't think it really matters what I say, so you can find your answers when you get home. Go ahead baby. There is only one outcome here. I knew my odds."

"Still playing games. This is no Game, Finnick. You say they are your children. Against her will? You make me sick, but you are going to tell me all of it." I am trembling. This all hurts so much. I turn and go into the common lounge, walk to the bar and randomly take a bottle out of the sea-rack. It is dark rum, nearly black with its burnt sugar-sharp flavor. I take it back out the door and sit down in front of him again. I take several long swigs before he speaks again.

"Katniss, this is between you and Rue. The kids never need to know. Nicky need never know. If I go home with you, it will blow up. If I don't, it never will. Make it quick baby, please. Go home. Any answers you need are there." He is being manipulative. I can see his eyes studying me for clues.

I say nothing for several minutes. I see myself driving the boat home alone. Still, I want to hear his version. I want him to look in my eyes and explain how my daughter ended up giving birth to his children. "Start talking before I lose my ability to listen. My answers are here first. You don't get off the hook so easy. You said you had not been with anyone. That was a lie. My daughter Finn. You were there when she was born. You seduced her? When, why? Did you make her feel like a big girl?"

"God no Katniss. Please don't say you could think that of me. I don't know what to say. Nothing I say can help her or you. I wanted to tell you, before she did. I never intended her harm. I was so drunk the first times I didn't even know. I just had a dream about you. I thought it wasn't real. I thought she was you, I swear that. I swear I didn't know it was her. It wasn't even real."

I slap him as hard as I can. His mouth is bleeding. His eyes flick from the blade still clenched in my hand to my eyes and back. "You raped her, but wanted it to be me? Drunk or not, how bad did you hurt her old man." I whisper sweetly. He doesn't answer. He shakes his head confused. I kick him as hard as I can in the gut.

Still no sound, just a grunt of pain from the force. "You raped my child, and bring me out here for a little more humiliation? Too much of a coward to end yourself? Wimp. Needed me? I thought it was a game Finn. Were you reliving what you did to my little girl? Did you hold her down? Did you make her do things for her Uncle Finn?"

Horrible images pass into my mind. They were so close. I remember when she was four years old and he stood laughing in the cold surf, dangling her toes just above the water as she squealed in delight. "Were you her first? Was she a little girl when your lessons began? Did you teach her to please you like you taught me? Is that why she thinks I would have to be a slut to be with you?"

His jaw works, stoic anger filling his face as he stares ahead and stubbornly refuses to say another word. His eyes narrow at my words.

"Did she cry? Did she beg you to stop? Did Haymitch suspect you were molesting his little girl? Is that what the fight was about, just before he died? Did you stand at his funeral, next to me, so you could grunt your enjoyment into her ear as she cried for her daddy? " I purr. I yank his head back exposing his throat. "Bad choice Finn. Should have told me about this, some place you could get away. Surely Haymitch taught you better than this." I smirk with hatred.

He blinks slowly. One tear frolics speedily down his cheek.

Something is rising in me that has been gone for so long I had forgotten it existed. The darkness in me is welcomed home, like an old friend. "Tell me how you liked it so much as you made little Rue take your thrusts and your seed. Is that why you were so intent on her marrying your son? Wanted to keep your little protégé close and convenient?"

"Did you teach my daughter all the things they taught you? The painful hurtful humiliation? Is that why she was letting your son humiliate her, because you had already had? You always were good at predicting me Mr. Odair. I am going to kill you for it. You better start talking Finn-O. While your mind still is in one piece, you better speak. You are going to tell me all of it. I swear it on my soul Finn. Everything or I am going to make this terrible. You will beg to tell me before you go. For every moment of terror and degradation and pain you gave her. You will talk or scream."

A bitter smirk touches his bleeding lip for a second then disappears into a placid neutral face. He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply as if he is peacefully taking in the scent of the sea on the air or telling the sun farewell.

His silence is making me lose control of my anger. My breath is ragged and deep, as that part of me who likes to kill comes alive again. Long gone in the imagined safety of my world, I shiver in a sort of pleasure at the thought of his blood and the smell of death. My nerves twitch as I think of him screaming. "You not only won't ever be pretty again, they won't even know who you were. You forgot who I am, Finn. You forgot who I married. Do you think he didn't whisper his burdens to me in the night? Did you not suspect how bad I can make this for you? Either you need pain, or you are a fool." I caress him. I lick the blood off his mouth, pretending it tastes good to me, promising him with my eyes to do things that will make, even him, find revulsion.

I bring the knife to his chest and slowly let the blade slip into his skin. His breath quickens in pain, but he doesn't make a sound. It is just a deep nick, but I bend my head to the rivulet of blood and I suck at it. I look at him, licking my lips and smiling. "I may eat you alive, Finn. But you will talk." I whisper.

He keeps his eyes locked on me. The fear is gone. I want his fear so much, but his eyes shine at me with love. Sadness, but pure love. I move close like I am about to kiss him. "Maybe we should start with the part you like to use the most." I press the knife up against his crotch. His eyes squeeze closed and he trembles. I let go of his head and seductively use the knife to cut away the material that hides his pride in unenthusiastic infamy.

He is hyperventilating, but says nothing. I touch him gently, waiting for him to respond. His eyes fly open. "That feel good? I want it hard before I…."

There it is. Fear. Plain fear. I smile. "Ready to talk yet, Mr. Odair? Or I can make you wish you told me before. Tell me. How did this happen. Maybe against her will? You think she maybe enjoyed this forced inside her? Do you think maybe she liked it? Three kids, you must have liked it a great deal. Do you think maybe you have any hope of staying silent? Maybe it matters. Maybe quick. Maybe slow. Maybe you talk more and scream less." I have reverted to a capitol purr, enunciating for the effect.

"What do you want me to say Katniss. The damage is done. Do yours. Nothing can hurt as much as you jumping to that thought." His doesn't look at me, but his face is fuming in hopeless terror. The thought alone of what I have just promised to do is about to make him scream. I keep my face friendly and pleasant, watching his struggle.

"You need to start at the beginning." I growl with barely controlled disgust. "Against her will. Where? When? You don't want to leave this to my imagination. Trust me on that one, Flying Finn."

He looks in my eyes quickly changing his mind and bowing his head. He nods. I can see he is composing his thoughts and turn loose of him.

"My son has not always been the best husband Katniss. In the beginning, they could not leave each other alone for more than a few hours. That perfect soon faded. He was a shit to her from time to time. She would sneak on my boat at night and hide. They were young. They were at it so often, it was embarrassing even to me. But when they fought, it was pure hell for her." He says quietly.

"Ok, so they liked sex. Everyone fights. Barely seventeen, newly married, so what. How did it get you in her pants? She'd come hide from him to be forced by you?" I demand.

"Time went on, we expected her to be pregnant any moment. Nothing happened. We told her it was because she was young and it would happen when it happened. Told her not to worry, but time passed and we all knew there was some problem. He acted like it was her fault. He became abusive. Never in front of us, mind you. It was mostly suspicion, except I knew. I had many talks with my son, many talks with her. I told him she wasn't cheating, that she hid on my boat. It eased things for a while. But, they were not newlyweds any longer."

I lift the bottle of rum to his lips and let him have a long drink. I think he would have chugged the entire bottle if I had allowed it.

"She thought a baby would solve things, I guess. She'd tried. She was just turning twenty-one when things got really bad. He and a local girl. She was devastated. I loved Annie with all my heart, but there were times that I could not deal with her spells. I didn't hurt anybody, but sometimes life got so busy and I have always dealt with flashbacks. I would come out to the boat and I would drink until I couldn't see. Pass out and repeat it until I could be around people again."

"So you were drunk and she shows up. Get to the important part."

He nods. "Two versions. Whose do you want first. Mine or hers."

"You pick."

"Rue will say I raped her and blackmailed her. She will say I made her pretend to be you. She will say she was afraid of me and that I used her as a slut for years. That I tricked her or forced her. Hell she could say about anything she wanted at this point and it won't matter. Anything she wants to say is fine. She will say whatever will suit her the most and it is a little hard to refute the evidence she will produce. Her husband might forgive her if she plays the sympathy card just right. Maybe he will, at least I hope. But you will never forgive me. She wins."

I am playing with the knife. The thought of how he's betrayed me makes me want to tip him off the boat all bloody. I could watch him struggling for those last few breaths and feel nothing at this moment.

"Do it Katniss. I see it on your face. I saw it once before."

I glare at him. I lick my lips and give him the smoldering eyes he taught me. "I will, Finn. Count on it. Your side?" I command.

He shakes his head in disgust. With a sigh he says in annoyance. "My side is this. I am passed out. I had a dream. You were here with me and we did the things we always did in my dreams. The next morning, I wake up alone." I look in his eyes and there is no anger, just amused sorrow.

"When she announces she's pregnant, I am as pleased as anyone. My son denied it was his until he was born. He looked so much like him, nobody questioned who the father was. Even my son believed. She stopped needing to come to the boat, and I thought things had smoothed out for them."

I nod once, telling him to continue.

"I am down here working on the engine one night when she shows up with little Flynn. She is acting odd but I am happy to see my grandson. "'He looks just like you.' She tells me, but I don't catch on. 'I want another one.' She says to me. I tell her that she shouldn't worry. They will come. She says. 'He is your son and you are going to help me make another one.'"

"I have no idea what she's talking about. I thought she was joking."

"She goes on to explain that I have two choices. I do exactly as she says or she will go to Annie. I laughed at her and told her she was insane. Katniss, she said I had raped her while I was drunk. I denied it. She said I had been raping her for weeks, but she'd started letting me. She had started getting me drunk so I would. She hoped I would make her pregnant. She thought she could get her husband back with the child he wanted so much. I don't know if I raped her in the beginning Katniss, I have no memory of it at all. She said I did and if I didn't want the whole world to know it, that I better accept that my whoring days were not over."

I look at him with my first drizzle of sympathy. After the things she's said to me, I could almost see her telling him something like that. I sit down, away from Finn and I meet his eyes with more pity then hatred.

"I didn't believe her. I had no memory of it at all. I still don't. I told her to go to hell and never set foot on my boat again. I had no fear of her stupid stories until she told me that I had called out your name over and over. She could not have known that any other way. She was so full of wrath and hatred. She had me. There wasn't much I could say, looking at Flynn. Would anyone believe me? Would Annie believe the whore, or the girl standing there with the baby? Would you believe your child or her rapist?"

I thought of Rue looking at me with that little hateful smile and asking me if any of her siblings were Odairs. She really thought Finn and I had been going behind everyone's back since her childhood.

"We were not as prominent a family since the rebellion. I shunned attention honestly. If she drags me through the media as a violent pervert, it would tow you and Peeta, and my Annie as well. All I had to do was father a second child for her and she would never tell. She told me that Nicky was unable, but he didn't know it. She had retained a sample and had it tested. She laughed at what it would do to us all if she dropped a few bombs about our lives. Katniss, Annie was just getting sick then. We didn't even know what it was. I had nobody to turn to. She had taken you all from me in one giant guillotine stroke."

I chew my lip. I still want to kill him. "The year before Shellsea was born, Finn was that when you tried to kill yourself?"

He looked down and nodded. Then his eyes searched my face and smiled. "I woke up to your face scowling at me."

"It was really over this, had nothing to do with something from the war?" I say this without the malice my voice had contained before. I had heard on the news that Finnick Odair had been found in a coma, accidentally overcome with carbon monoxide as he repaired his boat, and wasn't expected to live. We were on a hovercraft, on our way back to twelve. I made them turn around and we landed in district four, six hours later. Annie had slipped and Johanna was with her. I went straight to the hospital. My mother was still on the board there, so when I demanded to be allowed to see him, though I wasn't family, they did not dare spew hospital rules to me. I knew it was no accident. I knew Finnick too well.

Like Haymitch had done with me, I sat with Finn. He woke four days later. It was nearly four am when his eyes opened. I leaned over him and kissed him then called him a bastard. He laughed at me.

"You should have told me then."

"Really. How would you have reacted? Had a nice chat with her about survival and told her to leave me alone? She was his daughter, Katniss. He outfoxed Lanus Snow. She had it covered if I did tell you. She had tapes. Embarrassing ones. Things that would embarrass you most of all."

"How me?" I ask with disbelief.

"She had footage of you and I in the barracks of district two. She had footage of me with her. And much, much more. She had enough blackmail to force ten people to jump through hoops and swear I was a known rapist. Exactly where your mind went Katniss, she had innocent pictures of her with me, when she was little. She intended to put that very thing in their minds if I refused to cooperate. All I could think of was Annie and you. The day she showed it to me I ran the exhaust into the cabin and I drank as much as I could hold. Didn't count on Broadie, thinking my engines sounded strange."

I watch his face as he tells his story. His eyes are far away as if he is talking about the games. I stay quiet, shocked that my own child could ever do something like this.

"I did what she asked. It took three months. A woman's pleasure increases the odds of conception. I used my skills, trying to get it over with. And I taped things. She wasn't the only one who could play those games. I played them with President Snow. Rue could still destroy me, but I had some ammo. Not enough, but some. I can't say being forced was much of a pleasure for me. Once she was again expecting, all I felt was relief. She had other ideas. I gave in a few times. There is an overwhelming desire for a woman who carries your child. Especially when she is losing power as I prepare my own little blackmail package." His voice is calm but still shakes. "I could use another drink if you would."

I stand and lift the bottle to his lips, he watches me as he guzzles. I know what he's doing, painkiller. I let him drink a lot. "You let her seduce you?"

He didn't want to tell me. " By the time she demanded a third child I told her that, if Annie ever knew, I would kill her. When she conceived, I told her that was all, that I would never touch her again and any blackmail she wanted to use was fine. I told her she would only hurt others because I would be dead or in prison. Annie knew something was wrong. My fishing trips got longer. My kids drifted away, hating me. I failed Annie. I failed you. Love a whore and you get just exactly what you pay for. I don't care if you do it in hate or pity. The last thing I will see is you. Even that is more than I deserve. That's it. The end. Rue and I have danced on urchin spines ever since. Anything you want Katniss."

I nod simply. If this is true, how could I blame him? He would not admit that he'd threatened her while at my mercy, if he were trying to get away with it. He didn't have to tell me. She might have never told me. Even if she did, I might believe him. Liars will take any foolish chance to keep their lie. Still, if she had done this to him, my daughter is a monster. He'd even called her that. Did I raise a monster who had tortured my friend for years? I remembered how they had once been. Rue and her magnificent Uncle Finn-O. But, for some time, everyone had felt the strain between them. HayLee's words whispered in my mind.

"Do you still have the recordings that prove what you say?"

"I do." He says with a knowing smile. "Two sets in fact."

"May I see them?" I ask not sure what he's up to now.

"Aye. The full set goes to her, and the second set, with certain scenes you would find hurtful to watch removed goes to you. Upon my death." He smiles.

I stand up and lean over him. "So I only know the truth after I kill you?" He smiles and nods. I have the blade in my hand. He is manipulating me right now. Maybe he is hoping to save himself, thinking he can slide this horrible thing past me if he plays his game to win. "When did you set that up?"

"In Cannery Coe. To get them off the ship. I should have just given them to you. It would have been faster."

I sit on him, straddling him, facing him. "I am glad you told me. No torture. It was still my daughter. Not going to be instant Finn. I still want to hear you scream a little. Anything else you want to say?" I lean into him. I am going to collect his last kiss to me, let him believe there is no chance. If he is sincere, he may cry, or even faint, but he won't try to talk me out of it. If he's playing some devious risky thing, I can trip him up.

"Send me to Annie, baby. Send me with a kiss, please."

I nod and take his head in the crook of my elbow, to control his thrashing. "Pit or chest?"

"Pits faster." He is hyperventilating, but not struggling.

"Chest then." I say seductively. I move the knife into position. No reaction. I hover just above his lips. "Death kiss." I whisper.

"Katniss Odair." He whispers back and closes his eyes.

Our lips meet and I begin to put pressure on the knife. I know it is hurting him and feel his muscles straining against his mind not to struggle. I broaden the blade a little, increasing the pain, but doing little damage. He stops kissing me, no longer able to hide the ripple of suffering, as the knife makes contact with bone. He eyes are wide open again and he is sweating and hissing on the verge of the first scream. I pull away and his wound bleeds. It gaps open only about an inch, but isn't deep enough to threaten his life.

He is nearly ready to pass out from the adrenaline, and the oxygen he is wolfing into his lungs. His eyes find me and search my face with question. I take a deep breath. "You aren't playing. You actually love me don't you? You let her get away with it? You kept her secrets, when she must have been bringing you such vile wounds?" I am not convinced, but I am no longer without doubt either. He put himself in such danger to tell me, accepting any fate I would deal him. He had to know my ability.

He's seen me in the war. He'd stood beside me as I had killed people with rapture. He knew Haymitch. If he wanted to take the easy path, he could have died without facing me. He could have let us pretend for months. He had allowed himself one last goodbye, but no more. If he had told me and let me attack him, it may have been fatal to us both. I had seen his lethal side up close too.

I take a swig from the bottle and hold it to his shaking lips. It takes a few minutes to get him calmer. He has passed the test. I have to believe him.

"Didn't you ever think it out? If she'd told, it would have ruined her life too?" I ask quietly.

"Not if she is playing the victim, it wouldn't. If she got what she wanted, her husband came home and stayed. If she didn't the worst that happened to her is that she gains pity and respect for surviving the trauma. I lose everything."

He's right. Nobody would have helped a whore who raped his own son's wife. "You lived with it all these years?"

"Annie died, never suspecting. For that, alone, I won't kill her. These last years I have longed for you. I had grown to accept she was desperate at the time. I have even forgiven her and begun to pretend that it wasn't true. She got what she wanted and I know she loved Annie. She was so good to her in the end. She is a good mother to those children as well. But she, of all people, caught us and it made all the threats surface again."

"Finn. If this is what happened, it isn't your fault." I reach out and touch his face wanting to comfort him.

"Fault doesn't matter. I left, certain she was about to tell you. She could take you from me with a few words. You called me on the radio. I assumed you knew, and yet I owed you the chance to say whatever you wanted. The offer you made me, your eyes so bright with the want of me. I know how selfish it was to say yes to you. I don't blame you for what you feel now."

"I don't know what I feel. Used. I feel betrayed. I feel like I don't know anything about anyone. Saving my life has brought you misery." I scoot over to him and take the knife, beginning the laborious task of sawing him out of this mess.

"What are you doing? Katniss. You can't take my side in this. She is your daughter." He says looking at me like I have lost my mind. "There is no winning this battle with her. Please Katniss, think."

I stop what I am doing and look at him. "I am sorry I doubted you. I am sorry for what I said Finn. I don't believe you raped her, even drunk. You were still breathtaking then Finn. I don't know how it occurred the first time, but if you had hurt her, she wouldn't have returned. We are going home and we are going to straighten this out."

"I would rather you kill me than my sons ever know. I don't want the others to know that Nicky isn't their father. It would kill my boy. Nicky loves them. He had a rough start, but he is a good father and husband. Don't take that from him. I'm begging. You can't be that cold hearted to them. Just end this quickly, if you have any heart at all." He is nearly yelling the last part.

"My heart is ripped in two by this. The way you told me at first, I was in terror that I had never known you at all. Finn, I love her, but your version makes more sense. I would kill to protect her, but I won't kill to hide who she is. We will talk to her. What she must live every day?" I let the tears flow a little for my poor baby. She is the child of two survivors. She is living with her choices and it must be terrible. "She has dug herself a tunnel straight to hell. She doesn't have the power to take me from you. I hate it. I hate what she has done to you. It makes me sick for you. It makes me sick for her. I don't understand what could make her that desperate. But, I still love you both." I go back to sawing through the knots.

"You believe me?"

"Yes."

"You must hate me."

I glance at him, but I don't agree or disagree. I go back to his maze of knot-work.

"This was my favorite pair of shorts." Finn says looking down at his ruined clothing.

"If you had been any more stubborn, you might be lamenting another favorite thing. Put it in perspective, those shorts might be less of a worry. Were you scared Finn-O?" I ask softly.

He says carefully. "I was. I didn't fear death, but some of your markers for the journey. I can't say it didn't break my heart to find out how bad it would be. I begged Poseidon for the strength to please you."

"They say love and hate are twisted in us. I could only hate you that much because I love you this much. Next time, just talk to me. Don't make it all this, insanity. Being with you pleased me you stupid squid-brain. This just pisses me off." I frown. I have made some progress but I still have a long way to go. "Finnick you idiot."

He grins at me. "Your mad at me for making sure I couldn't hurt you if you attacked me?"

I am sweating. "You cut off circulation on your hand. This is going to hurt." I cut the binding of his wrist and he hisses as circulation is restored.

"Can you move it?" I ask harshly.

"Not for hours." He says softly.

"Here, help me. This scares the crap out of me Finn. What were you thinking? One wave and you would have been yanked over. If it had happened while I slept, I wouldn't have even…" My face crinkles, wanting to break down. I breathe through my nose and out my mouth to keep from giving in to the tears. "Katniss Odair?"

He smirks. "Last words. Last regret." He is watching me intently.

I look away, not having any idea what he means. "What did she say to you Finn? In the bathroom that day. The day she and Nicky…"

He sighs and tilts his head back, blinking in the sun. I think he still isn't going to tell me. I watch tears roll softly down his temples. His throat works as he tries to swallow them away. "She said If I like watching so much, maybe Nicky would let me have seconds." His face crumples for a second. "I told her she was a slut." He clears his throat. "That was the first time she called me a whore. She said that was the reason I stink like I do."

I watch him for a second. I inhale him. "You smell like heaven Finn." I whisper, meaning it more than I want to.

He tilts his head down again. "Crazy as a Mockingjay after a cat."

"My grandmother used to say that a bird and a fish could fall in love, but where would they live. She never forgave my mother for marrying Seam. I never met her because of what she thought was wrong. I wish I could show her the gulls. The first one that landed in the water? I bet all the other gulls said she was crazy. Prim and I are both grandmothers now. I can't imagine missing out on my grandchildren because of something stupid the parents did." I tell him quietly.

His face hovers above me, hope, love and fear waltzing on his features.

Finally the thick damp ropes are finished. He is free except for the cable. I examine that. "How do I get this thing off of you?" I demand in frustration. I don't want to cry until he is free, but I am so frustrated by how long this has taken.

"I didn't plan for getting out of it." He shrugs.

"Where are the keys?" I finally understand how this contraption works. I finally see he saw only one end here. He only played to lose. I hold up the locks to him.

He chews his lip, looking like a naughty boy. His eyes look out to the water and he shrugs. "Davie Jones."

"Who the hell is he?" I look around for another boat suddenly fearful someone has been near enough to see this absurdity.

He sighs and chuckles. "I threw them in the water Katniss. It seems I underestimated you by fathoms and leagues."

I try sawing the knife on the cable. It barely makes a mark. "So how do I get you free?"

Patiently he explains. "Down in the engine room, are my cable cutters. They are about this long and…"

"I know what they are, Finn." I glare at him.

I am climbing up on deck with the cutters slung over my shoulder, grouching, "Remind me to teach you about planning ahead…"as the first gust of wind rocks us.

"Katniss. Hurry." He says watching the net canter precariously. It is no longer counter-balanced by his weight pulling against the ropes. I have cut them away. He has shed the rope and risen to his feet, but the cable holds his feet together. He makes a grab for the rope just missing it as the huge cone of net tumbles into the water.

I can't believe what I have just seen. He turns to me and the knowledge of what is about to happen is written on his face for a split second before, he is knocked brutally off his feet. He shrieks in misery, as he's drug over the side, silenced before he hits the water. I don't think, but leap after him on the run. The weight of the net is dragging downward faster than I could have hoped to swim. I am lucky to just get a leg wrapped around him as he is almost yanked out of my clasp. I try to thrust the tool into his hand, but he isn't responding in any way.

My eyes open in the brine, for burning split seconds, pulsing the murky visions of death. I see blood. We are going deep too fast. My ears are screaming and it feels like something is trying to press the air out of my lungs. I climb down Finn and after my third try on the cable, instinct whispers for me to let him go. I am almost so panicked that I give in to the want to sob. I decide he may be the most dim-witted man I have ever loved, but I will ride him to the bottom, before I leave him to die. Snap. The cable no longer pulls us and we are instantly buoyant. I look up and whimper bubbles out as I see how far I have to take us up if we are to ever taste air again.

Finns face is calm and one of his eyes is half open. His head is bleeding. The term 'shark bait' pops into my head. In my mind, I beg Haymitch to help me. I plead with Peeta to strengthen me. I pray Annie does not invite him into her arms, just yet.

I swim. My lungs are taking over my will to stop the need to inhale. I am burning inside surrounded by the wet death. Finn is dead weight. We have been down too long. I know I am dying to save a corpse. I may take this risk to drag him home, only to have to watch him be returned to the sea.

_Let him go. It is what he wanted. I can only make it alone. I am going to die for a man who raped my child. Do I really want to know the hell that waits in the arms of family, when what they have done is revealed?_ My mind plays games, trying any tactic to ensure it's continued existence. My heart pounds strong, knowing the right answer. My love for Finn has moved lower, into deep water. He has at last filled my empty heart and as I realize this, I feel Annie near. She guides me up. "You kept your promise to me Katniss. You are my friend. Haymitch said you needed me."

I open my mouth to reply, precious bubbles race upward. I reach for Annie and everything becomes peaceful.

I don't know how I managed to find the blinding sun and be clinging to the back of the boat, with Finn. My muscles quiver horribly as I struggle to get him up and over the side. His body slams onto the deck sounding like something wet and crunchy. I never thought I would be so pleased to watch someone vomit. I fall next to him and roll him to his side. His shorts have come off. He is covered in wounds, and I think I can see the bones on his ankles, but he's bleeding, so he is alive. We are alive.

I haul in the anchor taking precious minutes as I search for the mechanism and it gradually inches up, finally nestling in its place. I cover him in a blanket and I am afraid to do more. I turn the engine over and it seems to know I am not it's master, protesting with extended stubborn will, not to fire up. "Come on baby, Daddy needs you. I will swear to buy you a new paint job if you will just…" She rumbles her powerful thunder, accepting my bargain.

"You are the most beautiful girl in the world MockingJo. Let's fly for your Finn, sweetie." I throttle up and she gives me a breezy dip as we spin with purpose. The wind has made the water choppy and the old girl leaps wake to wake as if she knows it is up to her to save her true love. I keep turning to check on him as the rough water bounces him all over the stern with no kindness or dignity. Blood streaks the deck smearing with the vomit. I want to go down and secure him, but I have no idea how to set the auto controls and don't want to waste a second between here and help.

The wind whips my hair, dark clouds warn of trouble in the distance. The air is chilling but it is keeping my eyes open too. Exhaustion is sapping my coordination and my minds ability to stay awake.

Land appears in the distance. I get on the radio, trying to keep my voice steady and clear as I urgently call for Captain Blue.

"Mockingjay on the MockingJo, positive contact. This is Broadie Blue on the Maudie Dog. Hey pretty lady, did you finally kick Flying Finn over the side so you can come fishing with a real gentleman?"

"He needs help Captain Blue. He's alive, I think, but just barely. Please help me?"

The tone is all business. " Ok, sweetheart, it's going to be just fine. I will get you. Where are you?"

I couldn't respond for ten heartbeats. I took a deep breath and knew I was in good hands. "Captain, I have had land in site for ten minutes, I can see the harbor…"

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><p><strong><em>This was a lot harder to write than I expected. As a Mom you just want to kill him, but as the story unfolds, you know he was the one in the greatest pain. Poor Finn. Is he telling the truth? Could Rue be a monster?<em>**

**_I have really messed with this chapter too long. Hope it isn't too mucked up. Had to make it clear that this really had driven him to almost insanity –combined with loss of Annie – Finn was in a terrible place to have driven the boat off like he did - he's tested Katniss' resolve in many ways –not quite able to push her away – knowing he must –having no hope. I also like it when the big strong girl tries to rescue the damned in distress._**

**_Let me know what you think - Please review?_**


	7. Chapter 7 Tsunami

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: Tsunami  
><strong>Summary<strong>: _A sad farewell and an uncomfortable hello. _  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss/Finnick. Prim, Rory, Rue, Johanna

**Tsunami**

_Bonus material - warning, may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, sex, smexy lemons, smutty thoughts, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, bondage, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, torture, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone makes me want to read it again) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, Pm grouchiness, and unwanted hair growth._

**Tsunami**

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><p>I could see the hovercraft with the medical symbol gliding just out of the harbor. Beneath it the Maudie Dog shuffled the water to its slogging grumble. Help. The most exhilarating word ever created. I come in hot, throttling down, spinning to starboard and literally backing the boat up to them, with such obvious disregard for safety that I could see the fear then anger in Captain Blue's face. I skimmed down the stairs went into the wheeling house and flipped the reverse thrusters on low to hold her steady. I left the engines idling in case I had to try again.<p>

"Damned you Odair if this is some kind of joke you're going to need this Hover to get my boot oo'tat your ass!" Captain Blue jumped across just as I came out, off the wheeling house deck and slipped the rails onto the main deck. I landed with a thump a half second after Blue landed.

I pointed at the gore-covered body wedged against the net. "Oh holy Poseidon save us from yee gale and cur with pity. Friend of Fiend and water give us mercy. Sea to flesh and flesh to sea let us be bound in our …" He prayed as he bent to check on Finn for any sign of life. He signaled the lanyard arm to approach and it seemed to take forever to get to us. His face was hard as he rolled the broken thing covered in gore onto the Mechanism. I wanted to touch him but it would have frozen me in place and they were already giving a calm instruction loop warning not to touch the victim or the arm. This was emergency service; I would have to find my own way there.

"Who the hell was driving? No way it could've been you, sweetheart." He demands.

"It was me. There is nobody else." I say. "Is he…"

"I don't think it looks good. With who you are, you could make them transport you as well. You won't like what waits yea in harbor." He warns carefully.

I sigh. "No, I suppose I won't. I can't leave the MockingJo. You will have to help me do it right, but she did her best for me, I owe her."

"Buy golem he's made a seawitch of yea," Captain Blue said with approval. "I was fit to be tied when I saw her flying. Thought he was driving and pulling my leg. When she dipped and spun I was ready for a brawl. You learned that in a week did yea?"

"Aye, but twas mostly b'lucked," I say in the local accent.

He laughed. "You will want to be on your way I know, but the rip tide may cut yea. Hang starboard just follow me. No pushing. It will be hard to be in such close quarters with a girl this size. You will do fine. I warn you of this too. Your younglings have made a ill wind little seawitch with their dreggy business. We are infested with a horde of Abernathys and Hawthornes."

"My family is here? Why?"

"You're missing and Auntie Jo died," he says kindly.

"Oh no. Johanna Odair?"

"Aye. You may want to put on a bit of clothing as well. Though I fully approve of that." He looks me over and shrugs.

I look down and realize my clothes are tattered, bloody and wet. They don't leave much to the imagination. "I'm sorry, I was too busy dragging him out of the sea." I go to my bag and pull out a long black dress and simply pull it over. The hovercraft has headed toward land.

"Caught in a net?" He asks with appraising eye.

"Sort of." I sigh. "Caught on purpose, over by accident."

"How did you get him? You can't out swim a net."

I glare at him. "You can go down with them if you think fast. And you can live when their dead wife brings you back up." I expect to see disbelief on his face.

"Well. His odds are better, knowing that. I guess Annie Ma approves of you," He says without a hint of mirth.

"Yeah. Forty years ago I promised to take care of him. If I had done a better job of it, she might not have had to show up," I say watching the hovercraft lower out of sight.

I dock the MockingJo, hire two young men Captain Blue recommends to clean the deck and arrange for a haul out and paint job. It requires ten extra minutes past the docking. Getting past the cameras takes longer. I hire a car to take me to the hospital. As we drive by Rue's house Joesea is in the yard with at least ten other kids. My eyes lock on the child I now know to be Finnick's and I try not to weep. "Holy Poseidon save us from your gale and cur with pity," I repeat.

I go to the desk. He is in surgery and they hand me a stack of paperwork to fill out. I sit down in the long row of chairs. Then I decide to go up to administration. Hospital procedures are getting me no place.

After my ordeal, I don't look like myself, so the outer office personnel have no intent of letting this shoeless Gullah pass. "Mender Halpin you have only known me for about thirty years. I may be disheveled but it doesn't mean I won't raise geese and little chickens if this is how you treat me, just because I lost my shoes saving Finnick Odair. If I have to sit in the lobby filling out this mess, when the press gets here I will make sure that my mother has a good reason for swabbing the deck of the whole lot of you."

"Poseidon's pants, Miz Mellark, we thought you lost at sea. How? Never mind. She's in there. Your mother arrived last night." Her hand goes to the intercom and I put my hand over hers.

"I will surprise her." I grin.

I step around the desk and softly open the door. The woman is over seventy, too slim and slightly stooped, from years bent over patients and paperwork, but her mind is sharp and her ears as good as ever. "Have you an appointment. I am not here for administration duties." She says digging in a file and not even glimpsing away.

"I thought you might want to know that the reports of my sea adventures have been greatly exaggerated." I say quietly.

Her head whips up and she grins. "Well I wasn't worried. You haven't died on me once in all the times you have pretended to. You look like one of these nutty Island people. Is your insane sailor with you?"

"He's in surgery. I am not as certain if he plans on sticking around. Who else is here?" I say flopping into her soft couch with a thankful sigh.

"Are you ok, Katniss? You look like you have been fighting again. You are much too old for this sort of disarray now. They say you and Mr. Odair? What happened?" she asks finally turning her full attention to me.

I give her the shorter, less racy version. She doesn't hug me, or get sentimental, but her quick appraising fingers on my face, and on down to my ribs, neck, stomach and legs are just as heartfelt and soothing as any demonstration of mother-daughter affection.

"Katniss, the man was cracked forty years ago. He didn't improve with time. I know you have always been overly fond of him, but he is no dear Haymitch much less a Peeta. You must consider your position and your family. He was handsome once, but it doesn't make him worthy of you. Very idea of you jumping on his horrid little boat and taking off for who knows where. Your daughter is livid you know."

"I imagine she is. Mother I am going to warn you, this could get ugly. And he is as crazy as a bat in a bug farm, but I will stand with him, if he lives. He's My Finn now. Annie gave him to me."

"What on earth are you talking about? You can't be held to some death bed promise of a person who….Katniss, I know everyone loved her. I did too, as a matter of fact, but Annie was never quite playing with a full set of timber," She said sitting on her desk and fiddling with her necklace.

I grin exhausted. "Did you know he and I had an affair back in thirteen?"

Her mouth set with disapproval. "I heard rumors of course. But you were madly in love with dear Haymitch and I dismissed them as gossip." Since he died, she had never once referred to Haymitch without prefacing his name with dear.

"Dear Haymitch would have never been, if Finnick had not stepped in. The Horde would never have existed and I would be nothing but an old film clip for Prim to show her children how her sister died trying to change the world. Do you remember when I went to District 2, became a war hero?" I asked her directly.

She sighed. "I am not going to like this story, am I?"

"Not much." I reached out and took her hand. "But I don't know anyone else who I can tell it to. I need your help."

Tears filled her eyes. "You haven't said that to me in forty-eight years. Since your father…"

"Maybe not, mother, but this is too much and I am too tired not to admit it now." I told my mother a much less edited version. She was a physician above all else and her face stayed neutral for my tale of woe. I explained the situation of Rue and that some of her great-grandchildren had come to be thanks to the man she felt had the mental capacity of an octopus. She didn't blink or rage at the news.

"If you had any instinct for self-preservation, you would have cut your losses when he fell over the side. I can't believe Annie knew of you and yet called you friend until she died. I did not approve of dear Haymitch, but you and he did transform each other. This is not the same. Finnick will drag you down. He will be nothing but an Albatross around your neck. He is not of your caliper Katniss. I would think that him sleeping with your daughter would have some bearing on your feelings even if what he said were factual. You must consider how Rue will feel. She is part of you. He is just a sad old man who you knew a long time ago. Do not mistake your sentimental memory for love. As far as his being the sperm donor to her children, it doesn't matter to me. But it should matter to you." She states with her normal logic and simple words.

"It does matter. I raised a monster," I said softly.

She crosses her arms. "Did you? Have you ever watched what they used to show us? The Mockingjay feeds? Have you ever wondered how they affected me? I have spent my life healing people and you spent yours making flesh stop functioning. I do not judge that you did wrong for the good of society Katniss, but the things you are capable of are monstrous to my purpose. You didn't outgrow it after the games. You never put it away. What was it, eight years ago, that you threw a knife at Peeta's attacker and made headlines again? I am a healer and my daughter is a famous killer. You are fifty-seven years old and you have found another scrap. Perhaps I raised a monster?"

"I suppose you did." I say finally once and for all understanding the vast mountains she and I had placed between her and myself. "Did I disappoint you mother? You know I have never lost the wish that I had not been the victor of the 74th. If it were not for Haymitch, it wouldn't have been worth winning. Knowing you like to kill is not easy to live with," I state keeping my eyes on the floor.

"Did you know that I understand that? Nobody is a Doctor for long that they don't end up killing. Occasionally it is error. But usually is kindness. People think we are heartless, because we stay cool in the face of horror. Detached. Like you become when you kill? Preserving life to all costs is not my only purpose. To relieve suffering while preserving life as long as life exists. I like knowing I give peace to those who seek it. Just as you like knowing you save a thousand by ending one. Which of us is the monster?"

My eyes lock on her. "You are not a monster. You never have been. That leaves me."

"How do we set our rules to judge that? Should we go by numbers? If you look at the data, you would lose. By numbers alone, let me assure you, I win. Back to Rue, You slept with someone a long time ago, who should have never allowed you to continue any hope of the marriage you went on to enjoy. I have also been aware for some time that your second husband is not only the father of your youngest. You bore him three children. Did dear Haymitch know?"

"He set it up. He feared Peeta would be too great of a temptation as time went on. The day of our wedding, he made the offer of compromise, provided we followed his rules. Actually it was much more complex than that. Do you know what happened to Finn? What was done to him?"

"The sexual slavery? Of course. But that is not relevant to…"

"You detested Haymitch at first. Why?" I watch her give her attention to something on her monitor. I feel annoyed she feels the need to do other things to deal with this conversation.

"He was a little snot nosed jerk. Then he went to the games and let my friend die and when he came back, he and your father still remained friends. He was nothing but a party boy then. He and his capital women, nobody from home good enough. I hated that he had seduced you. I was not kidding about poisoning him, you know." She grinned.

"I warned him not to let you feed him so much as a cup of tea. Mom, He and Finn went through the same thing. Johanna, Annie, Chaff, all of them. Every one. For twenty five years, he was raped; beaten, humiliated, and not one person from home had any sympathy or understanding. He used to do this thing for the victors. He taught them to survive that life. He shared his experience and he loved them all. He loved Finn and Annie before me. Finn never thought of him as a rival, because he had been the very key to them having any life at all. He knew Finn was like that for me. He kept me alive and Haymitch, more than anyone maybe appreciated that Finn bothered with me at that time. Not many people saw more than that painted version of me. He and Johanna were the only ones who really knew what that whole fake persona had done to me. Haymitch and Annie never feared Finn and I because Finnick was basically a life raft for me. She and I promised to watch over each other's husbands, if we were not around. If I had died, I knew both Finn and Annie would love him enough to help him survive."

I went to my mother's bar and poured us both a drink of her brandy. It was too sweet for my liking, but it was all she had. She sipped hers and I slugged mine down and poured more.

"The only reason Peeta and I did not meet the same fate as they did, was because Haymitch risk all to prevent it. But it took Finnick to make him see that anyone could love him back. Finn knew what I was up to out there during the war. He was my reason to go on, just one more day. He wasn't yelling at President Snow when I got shot. He was yelling at Haymitch. For almost forty years we have been friends and never passed a stray look. But the ones we loved more than each other are gone now. There will be complications. I have no intent to be his wife, but he is mine and I am his. There is no debate. I may not have him long, but that isn't the question."

"If you have made your decision, then what do you need from me?"

"I need help with Rue. I won't be blackmailed by my own child."

"Good luck with that, you would be the first parent to avoid it."

"I never blackmailed you?"

"Didn't you? You blackmailed me into living again. You blackmailed me into not poisoning dear Haymitch. Her actions are abhorrent, but you have yet to even hear her side…." She lifted the ear piece of her flashing phone, holding up her hand to me.

"Yes. I know. Actually they are here, he is in surgery. It is very serious; I have been monitoring it for the last twenty minutes actually. He has several issues, three of which could lead to his immediate expiration. Do you have your medical card with you? Here I am linking you. They are doing all they can. She is sitting here now. Do I ever make jokes?"

"Prim, she is fine. Her minor injuries seem to have been sustained from her propensity to fisticuff rather than from accident. Well, put two victors on a boat and what do you suppose will occur. Yes. Here she is."

She hands me the phone. "Katniss are you ok? Really?"

I closed my eyes at her voice. "Prim. I am fine sweetie, just worried about Finn-o."

"You're on TV again."

Well I can't clip my toenails that there isn't a fuss, nothing new. Where are you?"

"I am at the hotel. I am headed over there. Do you need anything?" I can think of a list of things I need and not one of them can be handed to me. She waits for me to reply.

"Yes, bring me something to wear and face cake. My frosting is a bit wilted" I finally think of something tangible to ask for.

"Well, I hope you don't look as bad as him. I doubt they can save his feet at all."

"He does look a mess. What do you mean they may not be able to save his feet?"

"Well it isn't the only issue Katniss. His head injury is life threatening, he has fluid in his lungs and his has lost blood volume to the point of no pressure. Every moment is touch and go. They had to get enough fluid into him to even try surgery and I see spinal damage on this monitor. His feet are not even a concern, yet, but basically they are going to have to make a decision quickly. His skin was pulled down like a sock Katniss, tissue death is occurring as we speak."

"Is your husband here?" I don't want him to wake up with no feet. I mean it isn't vanity, he could lose one, but he could never fish again if he lost both. "If he loses his feet they may as well let him go Prim. If he can't fish, he won't live. He will find a way to escape. Trust me."

"Do you want Rory to scrub in?" She asks.

" Of course he should. Please." I will hold it together. I will not focus on him permanently damaged.

"You know he can't make any guarantees. Have mom send him Op clearance, and I will link him up. He was on his card just an hour ago. Katniss I am so sorry about Johanna, you know I thought the world of her. You are sure you are ok?"

"I know. Thanks, I loved her too. Finn will be devastated. If he doesn't take off with her. Yes. Ok see you in a few." I hand my mother back her earpiece.

"You have been watching his surgery? Why didn't you tell me?" Now I know what has been stealing her attention and I don't mind it so much.

"Because you don't do well watching things be put back together. If there had been anything of consequence I would have let you know. I am also monitoring you, my dear," She said sweetly.

"I think I will live." I say walking around to see what she's looking at. I wish I hadn't. She is sending the medical link to Dr. Rory Hawthorn, somewhere in this hospital. Finn is a mess of drapes and gore. He doesn't look human.

"Ok. Rory will be there in a few minutes."

"Thanks." I can't watch any more. I take my place back on the couch and close my eyes. "So what do I do about Rue?"

"I would do nothing this moment. If Captain Fantastic does not survive, you have no need to explain anything to each other."

"How do I forgive her, either way? I am so angry at her for hurting him."

"You said he forgave her? It isn't your place to do more than love her. You will have to let her lead the way. I hope it doesn't take her forty years to come to you."

I laughed. "It might. She is as stubborn as Hay ever was."

"Then you have hope. I just hope she isn't as stubborn as you." She is smiling, but her words are hurtfully true.

I didn't realize I was asleep until Prim was stroking my face. I woke up like I always do, fighting the urge to kill something when startled. "What the hell… Oh Prim." I relax and smile. "Tuck your shirt in."

"It's my lab coat, and I never tuck it in. Katniss. He made it through surgery. Finn is alive for the moment. The next three days will be critical, but he's still here for the moment."

"How long did I sleep?" I sit up groggy but wrapping my arms around Prim.

"Long enough to need a shower. You smell. Get a shower and I will take you to him. I brought you some things." She says.

I fly. His head is covered in gauze, there are tubes wound into every orifice and out some new ones. Machines pump his lungs in and out with a strange offbeat pulse. His eyelashes and his fingers are the only part of him that confirms he is Finnick Odair. He's as beautiful as ever. I sit down and everyone else fades. I lift his hand and I begin to talk to him.

"He probably won't hear you," Prim says after a while.

"Thank you Prim, but he will hear me. He may not hear it all, but he will hear me," I say softly.

"Ok well, I have a few things to do. How long will you be?" she asks sweetly.

"Until he decides," I say softly.

"You can't try to stay here Katniss. It could be weeks before he opens his eyes," Prim says cautiously.

"Then you will have no trouble keeping track of me," I say bending to him and kissing his fingers.

"Johanna's funeral is tomorrow. They have asked that you speak?"

"Then I will speak. But this is my place for now. I don't have anything to wear. Tell my daughter to bring me something."

"Which one? Everyone is here, Katniss."

"Rue. Tell her to come."

"Do you mind me asking? When did you suddenly fall in love with him?" She asks hugging me from behind.

"Which time?" I say with a smile. "In love means different things to different people. He fell into my heart early this morning. But the first time I loved him a little was when he decided not to let Peeta die in the Quell. He just grew on me. He's been doing it for forty years. Not exactly sudden."

"I remember him in the hospital. I had such a crush on him then." She smiles.

"I never did. Not ever. He was always deep water for me."

Prim finally decides she won't be able to talk me into reason. I speak calm and soft to him. I tell Finnick Odair that he's free to go if he wants. I tell him how hard his road will be if he stays. The only reason I have for him to fight is that I need him. I tell him about our week, the good and the bad. I tell him that I am only worth staying for, if he thinks I am.

Late in the evening, another visitor walks in. I don't turn, I know who it is. She carefully sets the suitcase she's brought down.

"Hello, sweetheart," I say casually.

"I hope he dies," She says coolly.

I sigh. "No you don't."

"Oh mother. Don't pretend to think you know anything about me," She dismisses.

"It's a deal. But, don't pretend that I am foolish either."

"Then stop acting like a fool. He's not worth it, trust me," She says in a snobby huff.

I stand and I face her. "You better hope he lives. I love you no matter where the truth settles, but only he can forgive you."

"If you think his forgiveness means anything to me, you are a fool. He doesn't have anything to live for. I hope he rots in hell," She says to the figure in the bed. She turns to look at me and her eyes narrow. "He deserves to."

"You don't mean that," I say tilting my head and smiling a little.

"Then you underestimate me." She smiles back.

"Do I? Or do you underestimate yourself?"

She glares. "See you at the funeral tomorrow. Too bad we can't make it a double." She doesn't even look around as she clacks her high heels up the hall.

Finnick spent the night breathing. I don't know if he did any more, but that alone was all I asked for. They checked him constantly. There was a great deal of blood in his urine, but they said it was expected. Prim brought me breakfast.

"You know the press is going wild. You really should make an appearance. They are drumming up all sorts of wild stories," She says.

"I will be appearing. At the funeral."

"Have you written down what you will say? About Johanna?"

"I don't have to write it down. She was crazy."

Crazy.

I thought back to the day I came back from capturing Snow. Johanna had washed out for squad 451. I felt naked without her. She was a better fighter than me. She was supposed to have my back. Jo was the one I trusted. I came back and had to face her. Haymitch offered to tell her for me. Finnick wanted to go with me. But I had to do it.

I walked in the door and she yelled at me. "You got one of them killed didn't you? Which one. Gale or Finnick."

"Gale. I'm sorry."

"Should have left you on that tarmac. Some Mockingjay. How?" she demanded.

"He landed on a pod as we dropped in. There were little exploding robots that attached themselves then detonated. It was bad luck. Boggs too."

"It's all over television how you ended the war. Not fucking fair. Everybody get their happy ending but me. You were stupid to give him up. He was worth ten of you, Brainless," Johanna says.

"He was worth twenty of you and I combined on a good day. I didn't give him up you stupid twit. He fell in love with you and never looked at me again. He believed I was with Haymitch because he wanted to believe it. He wanted you."

"You don't believe that. I don't need your mocking Jaybird. Everyone else might buy your sweet little innocent routine, but not me. You're no better than me. You're a drunk just like your mentor. You let people down. Peeta then Haymitch and now you let down Gale. You let down everyone."

I stood there and looked at her. "No. I just let down you. I failed you." I feel the tears that just keep demanding my vision, take over.

"Are you crying you little selfish ditz? You don't get to fucking cry. You don't have any right to cry. You broke his heart and then let him die. I get to cry. It's my fucking turn. I hate you. It's always about you." She rares back and punches me. It made me bite my tongue. My mouth filled with blood. I spit it out.

She watches me. I just look at her. "What's the matter with you?" She screams and hits me again. It spins me around but I stand again.

She doesn't wait. She hits me over and over and I keep standing up for more. "Fight Back, Brainless!"

"No. Do your worst. Feels good and I deserve it," I say just like this happens every day.

"You are crazy. Bat shit crazy." She looks at me; she's so lost and alone.

"Been said." I swallow and look up at her. " He loved you." I don't know why I feel the need to tell her this.

"Did he say that?" She demands.

"Didn't have to." I look at the ceiling trying not to cry. "Man's last words tell me. He said 'Tell Jo…' He didn't say what. He couldn't, but I don't think it was to tell you thanks for a fun ride. Last words Jo. What do you think?"

She slams into me again, only this time she is pulling me down to the floor, crying. I sink to the floor with her and I hold her sitting cross-legged and rocking her. She blew her nose on my shirt. Jo shoves me away and says, "Get out of here, brainless. You ever tell anyone I cried, I will kick your ass. Again."

I stand up too. I think she broke a rib. I winked my good eye at her. "Good luck with that twit. Next time, I'll be hitting back."

"Finn's Ok?"

"He's good. I'm getting married. I think I'm pregnant." I blurt.

Her eyes widen. "Any idea who the father is? Are we going to hear the pitter-thumps of little alcoholics?"

I shrug. "Not a clue. Don't worry, I'll narrow it down. Least it isn't you."

"Yeah, I don't remember being that drunk." Johanna raises one eyebrow.

I shake my head and smile, "I meant at least you're not knocked-up. Getting hitched in two weeks. You got my back?"

"I messed up your face for your wedding," she says and smirks.

"I messed up your whole life. We still good?"

"You let me blow my nose on you." She smirks wider.

"You let me bleed on you. Snot washes out better than blood."

She shrugs and she looks at me with sympathy, a little. "Guess I'll be there then. Are you ok? About Gale I mean?"

I put on my perfect Haymitch mask. "Do I look ok, sweetheart."

I got back to our room and Haymitch bursts out laughing. "I see you and Johanna had a nice visit?"

"She's my friend. I think she could use some company, Hay."

He blinked at me. "What are you trying to say, Katniss?"

I only looked at him for a second. "Exactly what you think I am trying to say."

"We are going to be married," he says face darkening.

"Yes. But we aren't right this minute. She's my friend. She saved Finn and I. Time somebody saves her a little," I say, heading to the shower.

"Katniss. There is nothing on this earth I love more than you. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Of both things." I turned on the hot water and crawled in the tiny tub. I cried.

My Gale would never hunt again. Johanna would never see him again and neither of us could be completely sane without him. I stared at the wall, no tears, no ability to understand where he is right now. I wasn't sure it was all worth it. I killed him. He loved me and I broke his heart and killed him. He loved me. He loved her. He loved. Past.

He had loved us both, just like I could love Haymitch, Peeta and Finnick and still be heartbroken over Gale. I even love Johanna more than I can explain. Each is different. Each meant life is worth something, and each one of them gave me my life in some way.

Love is not a thing to withhold or remove just because you find more. Johanna couldn't play in her storm anymore and I might not surf, but love is bigger if it is true. Love is tsunami. It will rage.


	8. Chapter 8 Bury the Hatchet

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

**Bury the hatchet**

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: Bury the hatchet  
><strong>Summary<strong>: _Johanna's funeral. Finnick Odair decides. How Johanna became Auntie Jo Odair. _  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss, Finnick, Johanna/Wake Odair,

I Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author notes**: I hate funerals, so I hope this one does not offend you, but Johanna can't go out plain and strictly dignified

**Warning:**_ may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, sex, smexy lemons, smutty thoughts, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, bondage, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, torture, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone could be hazardous) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, altered perception, red tint in vision, having to re-take the anger management final, painful throat injury from screaming._

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><p>I can't believe they scared up one of those old victor coffins. Silver with an old capitol seal emblazoned on the side<em>. Ad victorem spolias <em>is written on the side. I had looked that up once and it meant 'to the victor go the spoils' in the old capitol speak.

I look out at the crowd and smile a little. I have grown comfortable speaking in public, but this is too emotional for comfort. I wait for the murmers and fidgiting to subside. I keep my voice calm and speak slowly.

"We are here today, gathered, because we loved this woman. Johanna Mason Odair – her middle name was not Fofanna by the way to any nieces, nephews or others who dared ask that question. It was Maxine. I can't tell you much about who she became that you don't already know. You know the wife and mother she got to be. She could appreciate those things like no other person can understand. You all know her. But understanding what she became can't really be appreciated unless you know where she started.

'Most of you know she was a victor. I won't go into the things they did to her for that crime. When I met her they had taken everything. She had been stripped of every choice life has to offer. They had made her into someone who should have never had the capacity to love. She was obnoxious; there is no getting away from that fact. You had to be kind of a strange person to see that she loved anyone. She had learned to hide it well. If she did it openly, they were taken from her. She appeared as unlovable as possible, because anyone who could love her, anyway, had to mean it.

'I was flat out scared to death of her. The first conversation I had with her was in an elevator. She was naked and my co-victor was about to pop his eyeballs peeking at her while I was mortified. Peeta never enjoyed an elevator ride so much. I never took one again that I didn't think of her.

'Finnick Odair and I became friends and he loved her, so I was stuck dealing with her from time to time. He insisted that she liked me and I wondered if the man was sane. When Haymitch confirmed she was my friend, I had to take it as fact, though I had my doubts.

'Recap friendship with Jojo. She stole my best friend. She stole my morphine. She called me names. We got into fist fights once a week, more if we had been drinking. She never bought a bottle. My stuff was hers and her stuff used to be mine. She loved to tick me off. But she also loved to interfere with my plans. She kept saving me when I least expected it. That proved she liked me and I started liking her back. Getting either of us to admit that would have never happened. She would probably break my nose for just saying it now.

'I didn't want to write a speech and read it to you. I have two stories to tell you about Johanna. They are funny, but she can't beat me up for telling them now. If the roles were reversed, she'd do what she could to make me mad enough to jump out of the box and kick her butt for it. So Johanna, if you are listening, feel free to take your best shot.

'When Haymitch was elected the first time, I was in prison for murder. We didn't get to have any kind of a campaign party, so when things settled down, Jojo felt it was her personal duty to have my baby shower. She was determined and Haymitch, being Haymitch, assured me this was a good idea. I reminded him of the two black eyes I had to have airbrushed out of each and every wedding photo, but he was certain Jojo was contrite and trying to make up for it.

'Now she never claimed to be a Cinna, but she seemed to have everything lined out pretty well, so we smiled and let her take care of all the invites and entertainment. This took place in the old banquet hall of the training center. It was a large facility and even though it didn't have the best memories for me, I could deal with it.

'Johanna went all out in her Johanna way. I could begin with the balloons shaped like penis' or I could tell you about the boob pacifiers or the fact that every favor was eyebrow raising in a bad way. The colors she picked were baby poop yellow and baby poop green. All the food was served in diapers. The ice sculpture was a life-size naked and colossally pregnant me.

'She had hired some band whose last engagement had been for President Snow's courtesan lounge. They only knew risqué songs. So she invites all our friends pulse around six hundred people we didn't know at all. Now, being pregnant some of this didn't go over so well with me. She knew it was a disaster. Halfway through, the beer fountain collapses and Johanna disappears.

'I assume that she is off drinking someplace. Finnick shows up and hunts her down. He comes back mad at me. I had never experienced Finn actually mad at me, he was always patient and sweet. This did not help my party mood. He drug me up to the balcony and made me look around the room and all I could see were about a million laughing people who were doing the most horrid humpy-bumpy dances anyone ever saw. Haymitch is leaning back with his feet up smiling for the first time in weeks and everyone is enjoying himself or herself. It is not a perfect Capitol party, it is much better. I am the only one still whining.

'I realize, just like always, Johanna knows I would hate a formal prissy party, and she made sure it was anything but what anyone expects. Jojo was upset. I was showing and she couldn't hit me so she cried. She didn't give a rat's petunia if I was mad at her. That amused her, in fact. But, this was different, she did cry when she felt she had disappointed someone. There were not many people she wanted to please and I can say she never once disappointed me until she died. I am disappointed she didn't out live me so she could be up here telling all the things I don't want anyone to know.

'Back to the party. I go storming into the room, pretend not to notice that she is upset and I gush about what a wonderful party it is. She grumbles and I drag her out and point out how much fun everyone is having and how people were comparing diapers for the gross out factor. There has never been a baby shower so horribly perfect. There has never been a friend so horribly perfect in every way.

'There was no hiding things from Johanna. She knew everyone's business and kept it to herself except for her favorite pastime of torturing people in private for the things she knew. She knew Haymitch loved me long before he knew it. She knew all sorts of information about the rebels and they didn't get anything worth using out of her. They tortured her ten hours for every one they spent on Peeta. He didn't have a clue about the rebels and still they got more out of him then they did her.

'Lots of victors lost themselves in the games. Johanna never stopped being who she was. She hid who she was, but she didn't lose it. She would have made a better Mockingjay then I ever did. She was smarter, wittier and a much better fighter. She never got the credit she deserved. She didn't want credit. She wanted the world to stop hurting kids. She wanted to make it so the capital could never make another Haymitch, Finnick or Johanna out of some poor district kid who just wanted a chance to live.

'I teased her when she got married to Wakefield Odair. Finn's Uncle was too quiet, to polite and too pretty for her taste. Her boyfriends were usually known to be trouble makers with long histories of indelicate behavior. Here she was falling in love with a fisherman, when she was morbidly terrified of water. She hadn't always been afraid of water, but the capitol had done a thorough job of making it so by then. It even may have saved her life in the long run, that terror of water cost her, her slot on the squad that ended the war.

'We didn't have much luck that day if you want to know the truth of it. We won, but the price was almost more than I could stand. It was a blessing she was afraid of water. She didn't see it that way, not when I had let her down and let her Gale Hawthorne die. I never thought she would try again. She always claimed she couldn't love anything. Annie and Finn knew her better.

'She made a stink about it. But, she falls madly in love with a person who lived water. I have heard for years that Odair's breathe water, and let me assure you I now know with perfect certainty, that is not true. The capitol had killed off much of Finn's family, but his uncle had somehow escaped their notice. Annie and Finn had introduced them and they proceeded to instantly hate each other. It is an odd story, but I can tell you they saved each other. She filled his heart like a hurricane and she filled his life with pure chaos. Somehow only Wake could calm the storm that was Johanna Mason.

'I think she found true love and I have to say nobody deserved it more. I look out at all the people here and I am so thankful that she got all the life and love she deserved. Anyone here, who was fond of or loved this woman, I thank you. She deserved every heart she gathered. She more than earned the places she made in ours. So with love, and pride and all the words of honor I have, I know I was blessed with the friendship of Johanna Maxine Mason Odair. I won't say farewell, because the place in my heart she filled for so long is still full. She will always be right here, for me. I even wore a black eye, just for old times. Good luck, twit, For once you let me have the... last word." I could just rasp out the end of the sentence. I left the podium and took my seat.

Wake sat in the audience, remembering the whole story, face blank and far away. He fell in love with her, but the odds of it working had not been in their favor. It had not started well. The Mockingjay had no idea how badly the storm had torn his life apart at first.

She was visiting, and Finn and Annie were preparing for a fishing trip. Johanna refused to go but insisted they go ahead, there was a storm breaking in the south and from all accounts the fishing was good. He had been hit with a boom that crushed his wrist and arm, and is still recovering. He is capable of working if he'd had too, but being single and unwilling to take a chance of another injury, he made the decision to sit this rumor of riches out.

Finn nd Annie promised to be back before the storm hit and Wake was asked to check in on her. Neither was pleased with the arrangement, but Johanna accepted that if she needed some item and had no idea where to get it, the injured and healing Wake Odair could be put up with long enough to obtain the information. She agreed that if he should have any trouble with his injury, she could offer him the decency of assistance for Finn's sake. They were just on the side of polite indifference to each other, and had put the end to any matchmaking plans Finnick and Annie had hoped to execute. They didn't like each other. It was simple, she thought he was a jerk and he thought she was a freak.

Finn and Annie and his crew head out of port and Johanna enjoys a wonderful time, just walking on the windy beaches and poking around in the shops. She and Wake did check in, but for the most part ignored each other, until the storm hit.

Johanna looked out the window for the fiftieth time. She didn't know what to do and she was in the process of falling apart. The water. The motherplucking water was coming for her. She panted in fear as the surges crashed up to the very door of the house and water began to seep under the sill. She backed away. This wasn't supposed to happen. Finn said they would be back before the storm. She looked out the kitchen window and the surges were so huge that she was sure all boats on the water had to be gone. She cried in fear.

She screamed at the storm. Her Finnick Odair and her Annie couldn't be alive on a little boat as the sea turned into a raging hell. She was more afraid of their loss, than anything, but she could handle timber snakes and grizzly bears easier than the ominous trickles of water that were draining into the house.

By the time Wake showed up, Johanna had lost her sanity alone in the little house by the beach. The water had surged into the parlor and she had built a furniture island and was sitting on the top of the contraption, rocking, eyes scrunches shut and mumbling to herself.

Wake tried to talk to her. He tried to be forceful with her. He considered leaving her here to drown. Damned townies, he swore to himself. He decided that if he got her drunk, and let her pass out, he could get her out and to the safety of his house, before the main storm fell. "Damned Finnick. Leaving me with your leftover idiot girlfriends." He cursed under his breath.

He climbed up to the girl's rickety fort and held out a bottle. "The water is bad. Water hurts." Johanna assured him, looking in his face with such pure fear she almost looked like a brown eyed Annie.

"It's Ok, Miss, I will keep you safe," he says calmly. Finn must have a thing for insane women; he was delighted he'd refused to get involved with her. She was pretty, in a rough almost vulgar way, but he was not about to admit he was almost lonely enough to give her a chance. Finn had bragged on what a catch she would be for him, and looking at her trembling and listening to her crazy talk just ticked him off at his famous nephew.

Of course the nephew part was a bit of a joke, he was only two years older than Finnick. They were more like distant brothers. They had been close when they were kids and as he'd watched Finn change after his games, the distance and a few misunderstandings had probably saved his life. The capitol had never spotted his family, because they never interacted with anyone after their son became the great and powerful victor. It wasn't until after the terrible war that the whole story was told.

His family had felt deep guilt for not suspecting that all was not what it seemed among the victor Odairs. Still, that snobbery had served them well. It kept them safe as tragedy after tragedy destroyed the branch that seemed to have had such luck.

"No place is safe from the water, Finn." She leans into him and sobs. Wake had no idea what to do, she seemed to be so far gone that she didn't know he was not Finnick. They did look a bit alike, but he'd never had a way with girls the way Finn did. Still, getting her out of the house might be easier beings she trusted Finnick, so he played along.

Three bottles later, the fake Finn and the laughing Johanna are singing loudly as he sloshes through the hip deep storm surge with her riding his shoulders like a five year old balanced on its daddy. He is unaware that somewhere on the trip, Johanna has decided that she should be topless.

They slog through the water as they sing off color songs, neither really know the words to or can quite hit a note of in tune. Even once they are on high enough ground that Johanna can walk, she won't get down and walk on the damp shiny pavement.

Wake's neighbors are watching the storm and are treated to the vision of him staggering along, half-drunk with a half-naked all the way drunk woman on his shoulders. He is still unaware of the development and waves at everyone as if nothing is awry.

When they reach his house, far up the hill and built solid and storm-proof, he sets her down and opens his door, calling over his shoulder for her to make herself at home as he hurriedly brings lamps, beings the house is totally dark by this point.

Johanna, stands in his parlor, now completely naked and he stops in his tracts at the vision before him. Maybe her hair was wild, and her mind was gone at the moment, but she was the loveliest thing he'd ever seen. He can't breath as she slides up to him with a grin and plants kisses all over him.

He had not had hunger like this for years. He'd had his pick of girls since his wife had passed within weeks of their blissful but painfully brief marriage, but his libido was picky. Most of the women he'd tried to date had not stirred him at all. This had been a terrible embarrassment for him.

He was a man and men should be content with any willing subject who had reasonable hygiene. Having heard Finn's exploits since long before the games, not to mention his friends many fish tales, he'd come to understand there was something very wrong with him.

He'd given up hope for someone to care for. How could he explain that part of him was without interest in them and not be the laughing stock of everyone? He had accepted that he was meant to be alone and his friends simply blamed his disinterest on the way he had never gotten over his sweet girl, Shelly.

He wants to be a gentleman now, but he has not been with anyone for a long time and this beautiful creature literally demanding him, is more than he can take. She is driving him insane with her soft skin and her desire. He is more than stirred, he is certain the storm outside is but a little spit puffer in comparison to the raging squall attacking him from within.

He kisses her back and her response is filled with such passion and hunger he is without any ability to stop what is happening between them. He was never a heavy drinker and he is as lost in his drunken worship of her as she is. The passion is out of control and the third round is in progress when the truth becomes clear to him.

"Oh my Finnick. I have missed you, so much," she moans, as she is swept with yet another fit of rapture.

He comes to a momentary halt as she calls out the wrong name over and over. He knows it is wrong to continue, but her movements and words drive his heat to such thoughtless lust, that he is beyond caring. "I'm not Finnick," he tells her. The information barely leaving his lips as she pulls his hips with her legs, giving him little will to stop.

He groans in misery and joy as he gives in to the beautiful body chanting words that no woman has ever said to him. He is not himself with her. He isn't even who she wants, but she has shown him that insanity has many forms. They lay peacefully for some time.

Never opening her eyes, she murmers,"I love you Finnick. I always have. I know you belong to Annie, but I won't ever stop remembering all the things we have had. I promise not to tell, but please, don't forget me. I need you Finn. Love me a little. Just a little. No man has ever…loved me. Maybe one. But she didn't bring him home so I won't ever know. You and Haymitch are all I have left. Tell me I can have just a tiny piece of your heart?" She doesn't wait for his answer before falling into exhausted darkness.

Wake lays there, taking in all he's heard. She is in love with Finnick. Poor thing. She has obviously been his lover for some time. Who knows what she meant about the president. Wake knew Finn had been forced, but he'd never imagined he'd cheated on Annie by any choice. The information doesn't make him happy, and he is embarrassed that he has made this error in judgment. It will have to be straightened out in the morning. Still, something about this beautiful woman so filled with life, never too have been loved, makes his heart ache. How could anyone not love her? She is perfect.

He watches her sleep and the more he did, the more he hated those who had found passion with her but hadn't bothered to care for her. This was a total disaster, she didn't even know who he was and here he held her in his arms, wanting nothing more than to do the very thing for her that she claimed all the others had never done. He could love her in an instant, hell he loved her now. He feared his dull life would never be able to tame her, but he had every intention of trying.

He expected her to be mad. He hadn't expected her to try to kill him, but he woke to her sitting on top of him smiling, with a bit of rope around his neck and her demanding to know what he'd done to her, as she pulled it tight.

He said the first thing that hit him. "I got drunk and fell in love with a crazy girl."

"I am not crazy," she says glaring.

"You are the one who is about to strangle a man who just said he loved you, after saving you from drowning last night." He grins at her as his face turns colors and he sees pretty lights dancing around her.

"You kidnapped me and took advantage of me. I can't even find my cloths you pervert." She loosens the rope a little, but wonders why he's not fighting. He is actually a little attractive, mostly because he resembles Finnick, but his eyes are a soft sky blue-green. More pale then Peeta's, but hard to look away from. Aqua she thinks.

"They were gone by the time you came in the door. I guess you can strangle me and steal some of mine, but you might want to wait until the storm ends before killing me. Hate for you to be stuck with me up here decomposing while Finn's house is under water." He says laughing but making no move to stop her.

"You are nuts. It must run in the family," she says hatefully.

His eyes take in this wild beauty and he melts. She can do anything she wants, he can't work up the ability to care. "I must be. You made me that way last night. I would do anything to make it up to you. Please forgive me?"

He can't help the reaction her nakedness is causing. He looks away and blushes at her snickering retort. "Typical Odair. Hopeful to a fault. What if I get you drunk and take advantage of you?"

His pale blue-green eyes lock on her. "I would have to propose. Marry me," he whispers. He can't believe these words are coming out of his mouth but he's never wanted anyone like this insane, dark-eyed, angry, obviously ex-girlfriend of Finnick's. He pulls her to him and kisses her with gentle want and she sits back looking at him confused.

"You don't even know me."

"I know enough to see the most incredible thing that ever happened to me could walk out the door and never speak to me again. I know how I responded to you. What else matters." he pleads.

She took the rope from around his neck. "Why wouldn't you give me a chance when Finn asked you to? You don't want a whore. That was why, wasn't it? Nothing changed last night. I am still just a whore and you got paid for your efforts."

"Finn told me, what you had been through. It matters, but it didn't matter for the reason you think. I have never. I mean my wife was only alive for a few weeks after we married. I have, you know, dated, but I felt nothing. It isn't romantic I guess, but I was terrified. You have known so many men and you have been with him. My nephew, of such renown. I never thought. Johanna, I am not like other men. I don't stir for every pretty girl who crosses my path." He says defensively. "I can't compete with Finn."

"No you can't. He's a good guy and you are a scumbag." She gets off the bed and is surprised when she see's such hurt in his eyes. He must think she is a fool.

He stands up and she noted his problem has gone away without any arguing. He dresses, stares at the floor and says, "Pick anything I have that suits you to wear. You can take the bedroom until the storm breaks. Help yourself to anything you would like." His voice is so choked he sounds like a frog and a small pang of guilt hits her for strangling him. She hadn't meant to do it that hard or anything.

He leaves the room without his eyes lifting for even a hesitant glance. She smiles a little. Intimidation works with perverts every time. She digs into his closet and finds a huge shirt she simply wears as a dress.

Sleepy and wanting to show off her grouchy side, Johanna enters the living room to find coffee and eggs waiting for her but no Wake Odair. She sees a note. 'I went to the marina to check on my boat.' She looks out the window at the monster of wind, rain and gray screaming nature outside. It makes her sick to even think of setting foot out in this horrible wet mess. She shudders, eats the entire pan of eggs, and sets herself into exploration mode.

She looks at his darned socks and pilfers through his medicine cabinet. She searches under beds and in out-of-the-way corners. His closets are a boon of information, when she comes across a chest. There are old photos of smiling Odairs and a huge wedding. Then she sees the papers of his wife's death. She had only been nineteen. The death date had been just a month and a few days after the wedding.

She dug more, expecting to see the capitol's hand behind the tragedy, but it had not been them. She had died of an allergic reaction to a jellyfish sting. She read the many articles and found that it was an inherited condition. She had only gone swimming with a bunch of friends. They had all been stung that day, but only she had been allergic.

Johanna read his letters and even found one from Finn. He seemed to be giving Wake advice in the way to handle girls, except he wasn't telling him how to win their hearts but how to let them down gently until he found one who made him feel like his wife had. Finn had spoken of there being no shame in not wanting to make love to people he felt nothing for. He made it sound like he was gay, yet he certainly hadn't been last night. He'd evidently given her a capitol romp from the way she had awakened feeling.

She returned his belongings carefully to their places and wandered around the house bored and pondering what kind of sucker this relative of Finnick's was. Questions came to her mind one after the other. She smiled, nobody had ever asked her to marry them. Even if he was a stupid pervert, that alone was a little flattering.

Wake left the house utterly crushed. She had laughed at him. He had just handed her his heart like a chump and watched her stomp on it like a bug. He stood in the rain watching his boat and all the others be tossed against their tethers with the same careless hopeless loss of control as he felt near that woman. He didn't want to go home now. What was there to say? He was an idiot. He had his chance at love with Shelly. He was the worst kind of sap for thinking someone like her could be pleased with his ridiculous outburst of pathetic nonsense.

He stood on the upper dock in the cold rain all day, having no place to be and not wanting to embarrass himself again. It was long past dark when he finally turned back home. He entered his house quietly, dripping and shivering. She was sitting cross legged on his counters doing puzzles, she looked at him and smiled and his heart lurched in the cold slush of his shame.

"I was starting to wonder if you fell in?" she says looking him up and down.

"I tried. Good night." He said hurrying for the guest bedroom. He wanted a shower, but it would mean going back out there. He didn't even peel off his wet cloths; he just dried himself on a blanket and flopped on the narrow bed.

Johanna was annoyed that he just closed the door and dismissed her. Last night he'd jumped her and now he was too good to speak to her. She grinned as she hopped off the counter and headed for the closed door. She hoped to catch him naked again and make fun of him. She quietly opened the door after listening for a few minutes, and let it flop open with a smirk.

He lay face down on the bed, still soaking wet and when he looked up in shock she could see his eyes were puffy. "Damned. Did your boat crash?" she tried to add a little sympathy to her voice, or at least sound like she didn't think it was funny.

"What are you doing? I gave you my room." He sits up.

"You're going to get sick you know. Were you born in a barn? Get out of that bed and put on some dry cloths before you ruin the mattress. You ought to jump in a hot shower. Have you been out in this the whole day? Look like a drowned raccoon."

He sat there with his mouth open. "It is my mattress. Why the hell would you care?"

She laughs and shrugs. "Well if I do get stuck marrying your perverted little hide, maybe I don't want you ruining the furniture. Come on. I didn't mean to choke you. I'll wash your back." She drags him up and pulls his wet things off as he protests in astonishment.

"No. Stop this. I don't want a shower. What do you think you are doing?"

"I don't like to shower alone. I hate water." She shrugs, naked before him again.

"Well I can't help you with that. You. You laughed at me." He sputters as she snuggles up to him and rubs soap all over him.

"Yeah? So? God it's like you aren't even an Odair. Haven't you ever showered with a girl before?" She is smiling and friendly, but what her hands do is making him lose his mind again.

"No. I have not!" he says firmly, stopping her hands and looking at her, beginning to be angry at this strange reaction.

Her brows knot together. "How many girls have you been with? Tell me the truth."

"Three," he states, cheeks flaming.

"Not this week. I mean ever?" she asks again in disbelief.

"Three," he says again through gritted teeth. He is shamefully stirred again and hates himself for being unable to stop the display.

She looks down at him and smiles. "That, I do remember." Her voice is husky and her eyes enormous as she playfully touches him without so much as a warning.

The shock of her delicate fingers around him, makes his eyes roll and a moan escapes him. "Why are you doing this?"

"Are you gay?" she asks directly.

"No." He pulls away, turns and begins rinsing himself of the soap she has slathered all over him.

"It's ok if you are. I mean, god knows it doesn't mean diddly to me. But you're as pretty as Finn and yet you claim your number as three. If that includes me and your wife, then you must have had one long term girlfriend. Why didn't you marry her?"

"How is this any of your business?" Wake hates her for thinking him to be such a joke.

"Don't you want me to marry you …Pretty boy?" Johanna asks innocently.

He sighs. "Johanna, I explained this morning. I have no interest in most women. Nothing. My first experience was nothing, just teen antics. Then my wife and then you. I am sorry if my experience doesn't meet your exacting standards."

Johanna stares at him in disbelief. "You are almost a virgin? Ohh that is so hot. So tell me, has a woman ever done this?'

She grabbed him and he nearly died of embarrassment as he watched her open her mouth and made him disappear. "You have to stop!" he cried in agony. But when she didn't, it was too late to plead again.

She stood up immensely pleased with herself. "Oh, Pretty boy, I can't wait to find out what else you haven't done."

He was without shield against her. By the time the storm ended in the night, he knew there was never going to be a way out of her net. He was hopelessly entangled and he couldn't imagine existing without her. He held her in his arms, touching her hair and unknowingly winning her with each caress. "When you decide to strangle me in the morning, please know, I love you anyway."

She laughs and kisses him. "You're as crazy as a bed bug."

By the time Finnick docked two days later, Johanna lived with Wake and never left. Every night he'd told her he loved her, even if she decided to strangle him in the morning, and every morning, she decided not to.

Finn had beamed with I-told-you-so delight and had instantly begun calling her Auntie Jo. He never called him Uncle Wake, but the name stuck and rarely was any other spoken again. President Haymitch Abernathy had walked her down the aisle and kissed her so obscenely that people talked about it for years. Katniss and Finnick had rolled their eyes as if it was to be expected on such occasions. Annie had kindly explained finally. He did trust her, but he still watched the president like a hawk out of pure jealousy.

Wake looks at his beautiful children. Her mind had begun to wander a few years ago, but all he could see as he had lost her, was the scared young girl terrified of a storm. Now he was lost and all he could think of was how little time he'd had with her.

The boat is set to the water. The casket tries to slide off and the whole boat has to be rearranged. Johanna refuses to go calmly. Katniss tucks a little box of sugar cubes, from Finn and a bottle of moon liquor in from herself. "Share it with Haymitch," she whispers. Everyone adds a token for her journey. Wake lays torch to it as the disposable motor is released and the little funeral barge scurries past the peninsula and smoke rising, heads far out to sea. The little boat will flame for a few hours, then anything not consumed, will sink into the sea. It will wink and flash for those who stand on shore once the sun goes down. Katniss finally breaks at the sight wondering if anyone else would know how much this would have been disagreeable to her. She would have wanted a nice hole in the ground with a pretty tree planted over her to wrap her forever in its roots. How did they not know how afraid of water she is? She hated fire too.

Katniss went to the dinner. Wake Odair thanked her, she did three very quick interviews for the press, refusing to discuss Finnick Odair and only giving praise to Jo Odair. She greeted her children and held on to young Cinna and Hay Two as Thresh and his family told Auntie Jo stories and Finnick Abernathy demanded to see Uncle Finn. It was Chaos in the Abernathy-Mellark Horde as always. She could not begin to fathom the Odair Fleet. She looked at three of her grandchildren with tears, their mother had not attended. Maysillee held her youngest and Katniss reeled at the sudden knowledge that she was so tired she couldn't remember her little name, so she called her 'sweetheart' and the older kids beamed at her at the familiar remembrance.

She called her mother twice, the news was 'no change'. She still felt rushed to get back to the hospital. She stood it as long as she could, then went straight back to the small room with the man she felt sure she was losing.

She spoke in a quiet voice. The next day was spent with one visitor after another dropping by. The grandkids were a streaming mass and other Odairs seemed determine to take her place as the boss of Finn. She gave them some quarter, allowing them the thought for the moment. She was going to see this through, and what he needed, she would give him. She did sleep, and as the others finally became a trickle then gone, she held his hand and spoke again. This is her world now. She is the watcher of the sleeping man. Day. Watch. Day. Watch.

_Abeo Clarus._ Slip from the fame. Finnick's coffin should say that instead.

After more than she could count, after everyone told her to stop, after she had almost stopped dreaming of them, the green eyes look at her. She smiles and whispers, "Took you long enough to decide."

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><p>Please review –it does guilt me into updating – grin.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9 Cherish the burn

**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**

** Cherish the burn**

**Author**: **Howlynn** **Realm**: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins **Story Title**: Cherish the burn **Summary**: _Finnick wakes to find the world has changed. Katniss ponders her life and feels her final reaping day is near._ **Character/Relationships**: Katniss, Finnick, Haylee Odair,

I** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author notes**: Time for some fluffy feel good, don't you think?

** Warning:**_ may contain any of the following ingredients –(old people, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, sex, smexy lemons, smutty thoughts, sexual reference, sexual innuendo, reference to past violence, sadness, bondage, violence, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, reference to man love, unintended exhibitionism, naked people, infidelity, torture, reference to adultery, reference to other persecuted unacceptable sex (threesome), reference to possible non-consent and prostitution -whew the warning alone could be hazardous) If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: flaming of the author, Pm grouchiness, and unwanted hair growth. _

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><p>"How am I here?" he looks around in confusion.<p>

"You're safe, Finn. What do you remember?"

"You didn't kill me. And then the coil fell," he whispers.

"I jumped in after you. Somehow, I got you back to the MockingJo and you are going to be fine." I can't help how I am smiling. I have missed this man. I kiss his cheek and squeeze his hand, letting him see how much I love him.

"That is impossible." His head shakes, painstakingly in denial of what he sees.

I wink, and try to speak calmly, though I feel like gushing, "Just about. I almost lost you. You will have some nerve damage in your feet, but you get to keep them. You won't be as bendy, they had to fuse your spine to stabilize it. Your lungs have damage and you will have to grow your hair back, you had some surgery. You crushed your skull a little. That's the one that just about got you. There may be some damage, but we won't know for a while." I lean forward and press a button on the side of the bed. "Are you hurting?"

"Yes. But, I was dead. "

"Almost. But not quite." I smile and take his hand, lifting it and kissing his fingers. His scent has changed, he smells like part of the hospital now. His face should sport stubble by now, but his cheeks are smooth even if every part of visible skin is either bruised or full of blue webs of capillaries, his eyes glare at me.

"I was with Annie. She was angry. Johanna was there. Katniss? I saw Haymitch. Peeta too. I cried in Mags arms. I was there. I was young again. I don't want to be here." He looks around as if he's awakened in a capitol torture chamber. "Johanna?"

I have to swallow several times, but I have to be honest. It is chilling to me that he knows. It tells me how close I was to losing him. "I'm sorry. She's gone. Three weeks now. You fought to come back. You're not ready for them yet."

He sighs deeply. "That's what Annie said. She told me not to come back until I … " His eyes glassed over and he didn't speak.

The nurse came in. "Look who is back?" I say a little too cheerfully.

They direct me out the door and I go up to Mom's office. She has given me a key for showers and sleep, when I get so tired I can't sleep in the chair in his room. Usually I did this when he had others visiting in the afternoons. Those had begun to fade as time had gone by, but Haylee would come. He knew I was tired. Prim was away, she and Rory, always traveled. They spent several weeks a year teaching in other districts and I had no interest in stopping her travels to babysit me.

Mom was out of town at a hospital administrator's convention at the Capitol. She is a keynote speaker and would return to Four in a few days. I had not seen or heard from Rue, since she'd brought me clothes to the hospital. I had called, leaving cool ambiguous messages and not mentioning Finnick. She was ignoring me. That was normal.

Rue and I were not an easy relationship. We never had been. She was Daddy's girl when she was small. When she lost him, she didn't speak for months. She functioned, did her lessons, helped with the little ones, but it was all done in silence. I can't say I was a lot of help to her. Between my own depression and facing all the constant scrutiny of media and having one function after the next to honor him, I did the best I could, but it was so far from enough. We were all a mess then. We were lost without Haymitch. We were a tall, tall ship, with no star to guide us.

Peeta became our rudder. He missed Haymitch differently. Haymitch was his safety. He threw himself into the children, keeping up with the never ending things that children do and getting Mommy to the right school on the right night for plays, honors and meetings with teachers. I became an expert on walls, sidewalks and clouds. I spent as much time as possible staring at them, lost in some half-life of disbelief and not following the stages of grief they told me to expect in the counseling Peeta sent me to.

My children refer to that time as our leap year. It barely existed. It was hard on them all but I think it broke Rue in some way. She loved the media, but when they stopped talking to her and started talking about her, she hardened in some way that I can't quite explain. She began to take an obsessive amount of care in her appearance. She was prepared for every class, every interview and every verbal argument she could manage to spark. I longed for her quiet time, at times.

I began to trust her less with the little ones, after Maysillee ended up with a broken arm. The kids said she fell, but it wasn't that kind of fracture. Not one of my children would look in Peeta's eyes as he sat them down to find out what had happened. Just Rue. She met his face with perfect distress and clear conscious, but I knew in my mind at that moment, that she was prepared.

These little hints, well, Haymitch would have picked up on it much faster than I did. Months would go by in which she was an angel for all appearances, yet things happened that we didn't tie to her. Broken things, mementos vanished, and things in the trash that nobody would think to throw away. She had a new friend every week and by the end of it they hated each other. Some of it was just teen antics and some of it was things we should have paid attention to.

She was only fifteen when we began to notice. At the wedding, she was happy and beautiful. Three weekends after, as we were flying to the capitol, she overdosed on medication she'd stolen from one of our pilots. Hay Two found her unresponsive in her bunk. She apologized, gloated in the attention, and explained that since Daddy died, she was afraid to fly. She said she found the prescription on the floor and it said it was to help you sleep. She didn't know it would make her sick. She had giggled girlishly as she explained that when she still couldn't sleep, she took a few of them. I didn't buy it at the time, but Peeta calmed me. She went to counseling and fooled Dr. Idiotwad with her charm, telling him wild tales about us and playing her perfect child part.

The boys were our next big confrontation. She was obsessed with being grown up and happily married. She wanted everything this minute, yesterday in fact. She went through boys like she went through friends. They were disposable. Rue didn't keep anything for long. She would bug us to death for some imagined need, and once she had it, she didn't need it anymore.

I loved my daughter, but she pushed me into corners with every breath. I never did push well. When I caught her for the third time with an actual cousin of Gales, whose name wasn't Hawthorne, but he was just a little too close and a little too disrobed, I snapped. It was hushed up, thank goodness, but she was furious and so was I. We talked until we were as empty as a coal shaft, but it made her more rebellious. Her opportunity was fading with her antics. People were no longer fooled by her family standing and her winning smile. People avoided her, except for a few social climbers and bash-kids who were always on their way to a party.

Peeta suggested that we send her to Finnick and Annie, just for the summer. I had no reservations other than worry for the Odairs, and many nights were spent on the phone planning this change of scenery. Honestly, I was pleased they agreed. I needed away from her. I needed a break. We had other children and she was taking up at least half of our time. She was mad at first, but then treated the whole thing as if we were rewarding her, she even convinced the younger ones, except for Hay Two, that she was off for a great adventure. Finnick had always been special to her and I knew she was Annie's favorite. I thought the attention she would receive there, would help her.

We stayed for three days, of course Auntie Jo was on hand to put her in her place, and Grandma made a huge fuss, but Rue seemed to be so alive there, we were confident that this was the best thing that could happen. Parents want to believe in their beautiful kids. We wanted to believe that her problems could vanish with a change of background. We got glowing reports for the first month. Peeta and I stopped by and she was as happy as we had ever seen her. We should have known it was a crumbling pretty cake, just meant for show.

Finnick didn't call. We didn't worry, he'd had her out on the boat fishing, to her abject chagrin, but she had gotten used to the hard work and Finn had even bragged on her. Except this time, when he began the conversation, Finn was not sharing good news. "Katniss, I'm so sorry…" he began.

I thought for the first two minutes she'd died. Married finally skittered across my brain. She married his son. My seventeen year old daughter had thrown her life away for a fisherman's son. I know he was Finn's boy, but it was not what the world had envisioned for her and I was devastated. Finn stood my anger, blamed himself, swore he would see she had a happy life and he reminded me that I had done so much more by her age. He spoke of love and how I would have been wed to that poor broody Hawthorne if our lives had not been shattered. He spoke of how young I was when I met Peeta and him and married a broken down disgusting drunken bum, old enough to be my father. "What did your mother think of Haymitch Abernathy? Look how that turned out, baby?" I had laughed and agreed that that was a much worse idea than his sweet son, Nicky.

Nicky was as beautiful as Finn had ever been. We flew to Four and she was happy. I was still mad as a wet cat, but her eyes were shining and I hoped. Peeta said it would all work out. He pointed out that they had always been family, and she'd just made it official. "She is in love," he said looking at me with those sparkling blue eyes of his so full of the same emotion. I came around and accepted. I could see why, Nick Odair was exquisite and kind and such a pleaser. He was Finnick's son and I could understand after all. They didn't have the burdens we did and their hearts were free to love. It wasn't such a horrible thing. I had imagined her dead after all and married and finally happy, was better.

I wondered what Haymitch would think of it all. I spent hours laughing at all the shocking truths. Haymitch and Finn had been lovers. Annie had graduated from Haymitch's victor training camp. Finnick and I had been so full of passion at one time. How could I fault the children for having the same taste as their parents? There was a certain justice to the outcome. Peeta, Finn, Annie, Jo and I, settled with the idea and made private jokes about magnetic gene pools and how fates were written in the stars, not the capitol any longer.

She was going to be an adult soon and I couldn't have postponed it for long. I had given her a lot more years of childhood than I had ever had. I felt bad, about Not-Hawthorne, back in twelve. Hazelle confessed that the boy was inconsolable for months when he found out she was never coming home to him. I spoke with him once, after he recovered. I offered deeply heartfelt apologies. He harbored about the same feelings for me, because I sent her away, as Gale had felt for the capitol, when they stole me away from him. He was a handsome striking boy; his eyes fell on me just like some other gray eyes had fallen on me once. I smiled and thought to myself, be careful Not-Hawthorne, I have other daughters and I will be watching you. I smiled and sat between Gale's black granite stone and Haymitch's twenty foot tall white obelisk telling them the whole story.

I lay in the sun between them imagining for the first time, grandchildren who would make trips someday to this spot and tell their children about a girl who had to be a Mockingjay and a great man who had lost everything for winning and almost drank his life away, until he made a Mockingjay sing and became a rebel and then went on to be president. It was a story of hope and I hoped for those long future children. I hoped that one day the Mockingjay could rest here and watch the loved ones, with the loved ones. I chastised myself for not asking more questions. For not demanding more information of that dreamed up Jamie from long ago.

I had included names on Haymitch's monument. He was not just a lonely man. He was the son of Lauralee and Lockland Abernathy. He was the brother of Jamison Abernathy and Myrtle who died as a baby. Haymitch had begun life as loved and cherished as my Rue, and they took years of happy moments from him, but they never took the hearts that those names identified from him. He held them inside until it was safe to let them fly. Just as he'd done with a little seam girl named Shayhan and twenty five years later with one named Katniss. He was a good father. He was my greatest love, not my first and not my last, but my greatest. He was the man who loved a Mockingjay enough.

Rue had not had enough of him. She would have fared better in the world if he'd been there to be a conductor for her. She needed him, so someone would be a couple of steps ahead of her to guide her and give her wisdom to go along with her pure brilliance. I was too blind to see that she had been so unhappy. I was surprised by what Finn revealed, but if I think on it in honesty, I am not surprised.

I knew the answers all, except one. I could not imagine why. Why would she do this evil thing to her Uncle Finn? How had she not killed a man that would raise a hand to her? Haymitch and I didn't count in that category. He never hit a woman. I didn't count sometimes. If we came to fisticuffs, I initiated it. There was something wrong with me and we all knew it. I needed battle like some people needed sweets. Finnick had a terrible sweet tooth. I had a terrible battle tooth. Johanna and I shared that deep repulsive need to feel pain and deliver it as well. She out grew it, but I never did. My mother is right. I am too old for this, but I need it still. Did Rue inherit it as a need to hurt people in a different way? Was it my fault? I drank every drop of Mother's stupid brandy. It was my fault. It is my fault. I never loved her enough. I was not a good enough mother to her. But the others turned out well? Didn't they? Hay Two is a congressman and Cinna has sat in the senate now for four terms. Thresh is more famous for his sculptures than even Peeta was for his Hunger Games collection and his infinite paintings of me.

God I needed Haymitch or Peeta. They shouldn't have left me. I never managed very well on my own. I looked out the window of the office, and then stepped out on the little balcony. I could smell the sea. I looked up at the stars and found no guide at all. The stars hung cold and the sea was full of wonder, and I would burn again for not saving Rue. Had I doomed her by her very name, or had I damaged her with my idiotic actions while I was pregnant with her? Haymitch? Peeta? I need you? No answers magically fell from the sky.

Showered and with five hours of sleep, I headed back to my Finnick cave. He lay in the bed, looking at the sun in misery. He'd been crying. He didn't acknowledge me. I sat and waited for him to speak.

"I don't understand you," he finally says. His speech is slightly slurred.

"Only the third time I have heard that sound." I say watching him.

"What sound?"

"You mad at me." I stand up and move my chair into his line of sight.

"Good ear. They said you nearly died saving me. They said you have not left me. I wake up, shattered, broken beyond repair and have to hear that you risk your life for me to come back to this. I have to learn to walk again. I can hear what I sound like. I was where I wanted to be. I have been trying to figure out if it was because you love me or because you hate me enough to –"

"I Love you. Just love, Finn I-"

"Then you saved me for you. Selfish. I can't believe how selfish."

"I am selfish. Always was," I say loudly cutting him off. "I told you that if you needed to go I would understand."

"You should have left me to the sea, Katniss. I woke up in hell for your selfishness."

"Ok. But I would have…" I stand up and I am sick to my stomach. I breathe deep and try to calm down.

"What? You would have what?" He bellows.

My eyes widen. Finn has never really bellowed at me. I have seen his temper but this is somehow so acutely nasty that I am sweating suddenly. "Gone with you. I would have ridden you to the bottom. So you be mad at me all you want. I didn't leave you. I stayed. I stayed when my ears were screaming and I stayed when I thought I was going to die. And when I got you loose and lost all my air and I saw there was no way I could make it up that far in any hope of life with your dead ass weight in tow. I didn't let go even then. And when Annie gave me her hand and I was dying too, and knew it, felt it. I didn't let go. And the old girl and I flew you home, because even the MockingJo knew. So you be mad all you want and then we can place bets on who the selfish one is. Your fatal Games are over, Finn. If you don't want me here then just say it. And I will let you go…" I am out of breath and I stand there and look at him.

"Then go. Get out. I don't want you here."

"Look at me. You look me in the eye and tell me. You told me…"

Finn's eyes met mine cold and hard as emeralds, "Go away. I don't want you here. You have cursed me."

The water was so deep it squeezed my lungs. There was no air. I stood there for a minute and dropped my eyes to the floor. "I … Finn." I beg him not to send me away, but I can't get a word out.

"If you had an ounce of kindness in you…"

He doesn't finish and I know what he was going to say. "Well I don't. " I smile at him. "Rue was right after all. You made me a whore and threw me away. "

I walk out and head upstairs. I don't shed a tear until the door is closed. I needed to hit something. I needed a full out knock down drag out fight. I searched the office for any kind of booze. Mom had nothing to drink, but she had a medicine cabinet full of wonders. I pick two bottles of possibility and tuck them into my pocket. I open my suitcase and tuck knives into my boots.

This is a sea town and the rum flows freely here. Where there is rum, there will be a fight.

I wish I could say this is the first time I have gone looking for a fight. It isn't. I was on my third bar and enough people recognized me that they were letting me make quite a rowdy show before I found another like me. The boy was in worse shape than I was, but I egged him into trouble like the master I had become at bitter sarcastic commentary. He took the first swing, but I deserved it. I leaned sideways and waited for the moment he was off balance, yanked his arm and pulled him forward. I kicked my leg out at that moment and sent him to the floor.

"Nice try, sweetheart. That the best you got? I'm an old lady and I can still kick your ass."

Then he stood up and lunged at me. I stuck my elbow out and let it meet his face with bone crushing joy. I could breathe again. I am alive still. I didn't see the pool cue from behind. I spin and hit my attacker, wondering if my skull is split open, but not feeling it so much as hearing it. He's stronger than I am. But I still pack a pretty good wallop, it's all in the leverage. He raises the pool cue again and my head is fuzzy, not feeling so good.

That is when I am recognized. Mockingjay. The murmurs are wildfire. My fun is over. There is a flash and then in my ear, "Aunt Kat? What the hell?"

I groan. I rake my fingers through my hair and grin, "Hello Haylee. Nice weather we're having?" I say dropping pool cue man like a stone by ramming his stick into his gut, yanking it out of his hand and spinning using the extra force to knock him out with precision, rather than just banging his head.

"You're bleeding?"

I look down at my hand and pinch his cheek, with the other hand, the one not recently used to slop through my bloody hair, "It's nothing." I toss the pool cue onto the table watching it roll a bloody hand print onto the felt. I grimaced, there would be a sign up next week, and people would come to see the blood of the Mockingjay. They always loved me bloody.

He grabs me by the arm and I wave goodnight to all my new friends. My head is starting to ache as we randomly turn left and right, here and there. I can't really see where we are going, so I ask him politely, "Where the hell are we going?"

"I don't know." He stops and spins me angrily. "Aunt Kat, what in the hell do you think you are doing in a bar on that side of town… Public brawl…shameful…blah blah blah."

"Well it was just a little fun, nobody even had the knives out yet!" Then I sat down. I didn't really mean to sit, but there I was, looking up at this half-Annie Finnick-boy and I couldn't hear a word he was saying.

I felt like I was floating a little, except that I had a warm chest under my head and it was bouncy. "Your Daddy flew away. Said I should have left him to the sea," I tell the bouncing shoulder.

My head woke me up. It was about to explode. I felt in my pocket and opened the bottle of possibility. I took two, I think and find water on the table next to me. I crash back to the pillow, not really caring where I am or who put me here, all I care about is how my head is screaming. I close my eyes again.

I wake up to horrible shrieking light. I sit up. I am on the MockingJo and it reeks of paint. I open my little bottle of possibility and take four, then decide what the hell and I am just tipping the bottle to my lips when it is knocked out of my hand. I look up in justified anger at the blurry face of blah-blah-boy and growl, "You butt sniffing fart smoker, you spilled my medicine!"

"This bottle says Dr. Mezereon Everdeen. I don't believe the owner of the bottle is aware that it is missing? I don't think I would have found her half drunk in a brawl with two sailors half her age. I am still pretty shocked to find my favorite Aunt in such circumstance, though it does explain a few newspaper clippings Mom had tucked away. Now after you explain how that all took place, then you can share the overdose on painkillers you were attempting." His voice is full of calm disappointed confusion.

"Well that's easy. I'm a screw up. Always have been. A broken used up nothing and I'm done." I give him my best glaring smirk, as if to say how's that for shocking honesty.

"Done brawling, I hope," he says while fidgeting with the empty bottle.

I laugh, but it isn't the kind of sound produced by a funny occurrence, it is the sound of all the tears unshed for kids who think there is some hope in life. I had been to Hope once long ago and bathed in it and took the waters of that mythical place, but I had used it all up. It had left me and I was lost in dark water, churning, murky and full of writhing debris. "No. I came here to save him. I didn't know. Had no idea that it was a trade. I saved his body, and now all my debts are done. I like brawling. Get used to it."

"You are not making any sense. It must be these pills. "

"No, sweetheart. They are just pain killers, but they don't do a thing. Made my head stop throbbing, thank you, but they don't have a chance. They can only work if I get enough of them in me. I'm going home soon, little man. I have always known where home is. It hasn't been here for a long time." I sling myself back onto the bed. I close my eyes and I feel pulled, as if an internal wind is blowing me toward the place I want to find.

"Aunt Kat?" he moves onto the bed, next to me and I feel his hands gently pushing on my head. He leaves for a moment and when he returns, a warm cloth is carefully swabbing my injured head. It doesn't feel painful; in fact, I turn my head so he can get the rest of it toward the back. "You know I always looked up to you. I loved you more than Auntie Jo, sometimes more than even Momma in her distant days. You took this hit like it didn't matter. You were too strong to let it stop you. But he has, somehow. We warned you. But you went with him anyway, risk your life to save him, like it didn't matter. But it did, didn't it?"

"No. It didn't matter Haylee. I thought it did once, but it didn't. I didn't save the first Rue and I didn't save my Rue. And I didn't save him from me. He is right. I believe him now. Your Dad is right. Tell him I'm going home. Tell him, I will be on his welcoming committee and I forgive him, but nothing I ever did really mattered and his last lessons that he taught me, finally made me really see it all for what it is. Tell him, Thanks," I say obliquely.

"I think you need a doctor. You aren't making sense."

I open my eyes and roll onto my side, propping my head on my fist supported by my bent elbow. "You may not see it now, but I know what I am saying. He will know too. I'm telling your father good-bye, sweetheart. When a soul dies, the body follows. I don't have a lot of time left and I am done. No hospital, no doctor can help me."

"So you are committing suicide. I can call services and have them come and lock you up, get you help."

"I'd be gone before they get here. I don't have to commit anything. I'm dying. I'm not sick. I'm not blowing my head off. It is coming for me. I can feel it. That's all. It has been on the attack for years and I always won. Beat it. But I had help then. I had Haymitch, Peeta, Jo, Annie, Gale, Cinna, and Finn. I have never been more than the axis, the meeting point of those great ones. They were my shield. This time I face it alone. Haylee, it doesn't matter what I do. I don't have to seek it. I just have to slow down." I take a deep breath. I sit up.

"I don't know what to say to you. I love you?" he says, looking like he did when he was about seven and Haymitch and I had brought him a load of unusual sweets and other gifts. But this time his fear was for me.

"I love you too, little man. You were always my favorite. Pick of the litter." I bend and kiss his forehead.

He smiled at that old fondness. "Then tell me. Why. You are strong and you never needed any of them. You show up thinking you can change him? I get it. You found out you can't. But it's like he's destroyed you. I saw him this morning, awake. Hospital called me, last night. I ask him where you were. He said you were gone. He didn't give a damned did he? So he did this to you, made you want to die? " He shook his head in frustration.

I get out of the bed and stretch. I look up, gathering my thoughts. "No. I don't mean it that way. Your Daddy didn't destroy me. He just couldn't, fix me. He doesn't have it in him anymore. I destroyed him in fact. My fault. I dumped my problems on him and he died trying to fix them. Trying to keep his word to me. It has hurt you all. I just figured it all out. I came here thinking he needed me. But, I just caused it to blow up and I should have never been so stubborn. I have destroyed one of the kindest men I ever knew, and that breaks my heart. So I am doing what he's ask of me and I am leaving him alone. I have been a curse to a lot of people. I just know what I know, Haylee. I don't have any death wish and I don't want you to think that. But I guess you can say, I don't have a need to stop it either. I have a few things to do, and then, whatever is coming? I will fight, love a good fight, but this time is different. I just know, Haylee and nothing I do will change it. Can you understand that?"

"Like a premonition?"

I nod. "Yes. Foreknowledge of an event."

"So you go to a rundown bar looking for it?"

"No, that's just baggage from my old wild days. Just blowing off a little dust and cobwebs. I believe we have life paths. Decisions can bring us onto lots of winding twisting places, but that one place, the roads end, it is there for each of us. My end isn't in a bottle of pills or a bar fight. So everything I do is safe, because that thing that will happen can't be altered. It is there. I think it drew me here. I got a little sidetracked but now I am back on the path toward it."

"So you're saying if you hadn't got on the boat with him?"

"Exactly. I would have probably already found more of a direct line. It might have already happened and I wouldn't have learned to drive this beautiful girl. She's looking fair bonny since I had her hauled out, aye? I was meant to save your Dad. He hates me for it, but I brought something bad to him by showing up here. Saving him just restored his path and now our fates are split again. Mine is here. It will find me." I have searched the cabinets for liquor, and there is none in this cabin, "I'm going up to have a drink. Join me?"

"Aunt Kat, you just took those pills and its ten bells," he says with repugnance.

I turn around, amused. "Haylee Odair, you are a worry wart. If a meteor gets me at eighteen bells, I have no intent of ending up sober. I fight better with a little toast in my belly. Always did. Come on, you tell me your Odair secrets and I will tell you all about the real Mockingjay." I winked.

"I don't know. This is a bad idea."

I grin at him. "Pick up my pills you spilled, and then get your little toenails ready for a curl. Never get another chance for the unvarnished truth boy. Trust me; you'll need a little snort. One day you will cherish the burn. "

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